Still confused, mostly due to IC
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| Mon, 09-25-2006 - 12:57pm |
Went to my IC Friday, and just when I think I'm making progress, she starts talking about how I should encourage WH (wayward husband) to attend MC with our pastor, never mind I suggested before to WH that we should see someone and he never responded, I guess I didn't ask forcefully enough. So if he doesn't agree, then I can leave, but if he goes, then I drill him on the unfaithful part and get answers. So if he denies still, I guess he didn't do it, right??? I think he would want to protect his secret and wonder if he would still lie in MC.
And then the IC goes on about how it could have been a mistake on WH's part, a mid life crisis on his part and how all marriages have rough patches. I don't know, I think what he's done and how he's treated me is more than a rough patch.
All I know is that I don't even want WH trying to be intimate with me, which is what I used to complain about (his not wanting to be with me) in IC, and now the tables are turned. Since I'm not getting any affection elsewhere and don't want to stoop to WH's level, I'm feeling very alone.
I'm tired of everyone acting as if my entire existence depends on WH. We have a DD together, so of course I'm second guessing myself all the time. But the pain of what he has put me through (and still no official d-day) turns me off to him.
Arrrrgggggghhhhhh!!

Real life is really complicated, messy and hard! Don't you agree? In the years since my then-husband became a WH, I have done a lot of reading on fixing the marriage. But sometimes it can be difficult to find your motivation to fix it at all. If I were married to a good husband who was a good father to our child, he probably would never have started straying. If your WH hads been un-employed or under-employed for 15 years, is selfish in the bedroom and hardly ever sees his kid... why struggle to save the marriage, right? And knowing that he has been with someone else... you want to spit when they tell you that you have to give him sex, lots of it, and whenever he desires it.
I'm not saying they are wrong. In fact, I think they may be right. But it's just so difficult.
Well, for DD's sake, and out of the fear of being alone I did give it my best try. It didn't work and we are divorced, but I can look back and see that I did give it the best that I could. That really counts, just for my own sense of self-respect. So, Crafty, 5 years from now when your DD says, "I wish Daddy could move back home," how much guilt do you want to feel? Do you want to know that you gave it your very best try?
(My own DD is just moving into the teens, and they say that is when the girls need their fathers the most. I have not yet survived through all the consequences of my past actions. Good luck to us both.)
Thanks for the words of wisdom! He's emotionally abusive and I don't know if that came before his A or his A is due to his emotionally abusive self. Either way, I have endured a few years of feeling like his anger and depression was completely my fault, just because I'm not the most organized housekeeper (I work full time, have a toddler and two dogs, etc., etc.), and I feel like I've lost a lot of myself during this time. He gets bent out of shape if the house isn't perfect, and because of that I just shut down and don't really do anything, and I hate that I'm like that.
I hate to be home on the weekends. I'm in a much better mood on Monday mornings. I don't know anymore what to feel, I'm just depressed and confused. I was glad my parents divorced when I was young because of my dad's issues that made him very difficult to deal with.
Edited 9/25/2006 1:26 pm ET by crafty1985
Dear Crafty1985,
I cannot advise you on your marriage, but I will just tell you my experience that may give you some insight. I have been married for 40 years and am in the process of divorce. Last year, my husband, who has been a wonderful husband in almost every way, announced to me that he had been having an affair for the last year with a woman he works with who is 17 years younger than he is. She is also married and has one teenage son. In questioning him, I discovered that he has been having affairs off and on for the LAST 30 YEARS and many of them have been with married women! I was floored to say the least as my husband came home every night and was a caring and loving husband and father! Obviously, he was having his affairs during the day when I thought he was at work. No one who knows him can believe this about him. He had everyone fooled, especially me.
My point in this is that if your husband is cheating on you, don't automatically think that this is probably the only woman he has cheated with or will cheat with in the future. My psychologist told me that many cheaters cheat with more than one woman over their lifetimes. Cheating seems to get easier for them each time they do it and get away with it. If you have an abusive relationship anyway with your husband, NOW IS THE TIME TO GET OUT. The mentally abusive relationship ALONE is reason enough to leave. You and your children deserve more than that. If not for yourself, you should leave for your children's sake as being raised in a home where there is abuse, physical or mental, is harmful to children psychologically.