Still crying 5 years later

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Still crying 5 years later
3
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 11:21pm
My ex husband of 22 years suddenly left me and my three children for his much younger, rich coworker. Moved straight in with her and swore up and down (so did she), that they were "just friends". Pretended that for about two years, made everyone believe I was just a bitch and she was giving him a place to stay so he wouldn't have to "live in his car". I begged him to stay, he was gone so fast and pushed the divorce through fast. Because I had three children I refused to leave our home but eventually had to sell.
The year after that my youngest son (13) died of cancer after a 6 month battle. Things got even worse between us during that time believe it or not. The grief nearly destroyed me and I lived on for my two kids, who needed me.
He hasn't been there during their adolescence, the troubles, the financial difficulties. His girlfriend (soon to be wife I assume) is worth millions but my ex pleads poverty, filed for bankruptcy, and doesn't spend a dime or any time with his kids. He blames me and even them for the estrangement but the fact is he created animosity with all the lying.
I married this man with all my heart. My vows were true. I still love him, but also hate him. It's so confusing and painful. They live in luxury and we barely get by. Yes he pays child support but not much. I was just abandoned and after 22 years meant nothing.
His GF has no children, is 34 (he's 54). He (and she) basically alienated me from his family by saying I was crazy and a bitch, and that they were just friends. They bought it. He said I had a contract out on his life, and other bizarre untrue things. Filed a restraining order so I couldn't call him (this was while my son was ill), I couldn't even go to court to defend myself I was too messed up with my son's illness.
I am more miserable than ever. I haven't healed at all. Launching my children on my own has taken so much out of me, I can't tell you. My daughter is still with me but will go to college next year. I'm not afraid to be alone. I am shocked at the way my "nest" was emptied by betrayal, death, and financial problems.
My mother offered us a trip to visit her this summer and I accepted. It's good to get the family together, we live so far apart. The ex's mom lives in the same city and since she hasn't seen them in almost 10 years (previously we'd visit every summer so they got to know their cousins etc) I delicately approached the subject of us visiting her and he tells me he and his GF are planning a massive antique-hunting trip and will be there just before we arrive. He didn't even tell his kids he was going to visit her, didn't invite them, it's all about shopping with the GF. I feel so abandoned and worthless, used and tossed away. My poor kids. All the attention and time he gives her but none to them. Needless to say they have issues as well but no one is as hurt as me.
There was nothing I ever wanted more than to have a happy family. I'm an only child of a broken home with estranged aunts and uncles and craved family support, tried to create it for my own. Now we're just all broken up and separated and the dad and GF are just DINKS with TONS of money (yes, I'm bitter and jealous).
I was a good wife. I'm attractive. I was a good mother. I contributed financially. But along comes a younger, richer woman and we are thrown out. Does anyone know how that feels? I later found out the GF is rich because of an affair with a 70 year old married man, who left her half his fortune.
I should be happy if I thought they contributed and cared about the kids. But she sees the kids as a threat and a bother, and he's just plain heartless, is all I can figure out from his behavior. A rich stepmom would be great but they are sickeningly cheap with my kids when they do see them. I could go on and on about the horrible way they have both treated me, lied, ignored the kids.
I honestly wish I weren't alive. I have no plans or suicidal intentions. But the emotional pain, the nightmares, the strain (emotional and financial) are just bitingly painful. I've been to therapy, take meds, work full time, seem happy to people. I cry alot when I'm alone. I had two relationships that didn't work out but were nice distractions. Those breakups were nothing compared to the pain I carry from my ex's leaving. He flaunts his trophy GF and even made a webpage with her on the beach, etc.
I know losing my son magnifies everything but is a separate (and more painful) issue that's actually easier to deal with than my ex's intentional abandonment.
I lost my ex, my son, my ex's family, my financial stability. I am faithful but I tell God I honestly don't want to take anymore. The feeling of being harshly abandoned and (still) treated cruelly is unbearable to me. I had so looked forward to spending my later years with this man, finally with the kids grown. Now he's partying it up and I'm alone trying to mend my childrens' hearts while mine is broken.
Does anyone have similar stories, that can explain how and why a man can abandon his family and treat them like trash, flaunt his "best friend" in front of the world and neglect his children? I have alot of pent up anger for her. And him. Ugh, thanks for reading.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 4:49am
<<<>>> You have been through so much heartache. My heart breaks for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 9:00am

I know this may sound redundant since you have done therapy, but I would look into DivorceCare which is very specific about divorce and very directed -- giving steps to work through etc. The one meeting I attended had people who had been divorced several years. It takes along time especially if the wounds keep re-opening.

After 22 years wouldn't he owe you permanent spousal support? And surely you got 1/2 his retirement? I hope so.

As for being bitter and angry -- sounds like you have good cause. Sounds like you may need to make a big change once the kids are out of the nest -- like move to another city and take yourself away from the reminders. Rebuild a new life. As they say "living well is the best revenge."

I am so sorry for your losses and your pain, but I hope you can find a way to re-build. It will inspire your children as well.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 10:23am

Hi Annie,

I was married for 27 years when my world was turned upside down. It' been about 3 1/2 years and I've really just started come back to a nice reality. I did not have a loss of a child and that had to be horrible, especially having to provide all the support yourself and no one to support you.

I too was bitter because my X had the audacity to destroy the life I dreamed I would have and instead of abandoning his children, he used them in attempt to destroy me and all I had work for. Just this past Christmas my son and I had a huge fight which brought me to reality. Sure, I was moving on in alot of ways. What I wasn't doing was letting it go. I was still holding anger for him of what had happened and there was alot. Because of that I was robbing myself of being really happy.

None of the people he works with will talk with me because I am a "crackhead." His family just completely cut me out of the picture. That on still baffles me, but I guess if there was any real relationship prior to this, they would have come through.

Anyway, when I let go, my life went from good to happy and peaceful. Whatever is going on in the X's life I could care less. I'm building a new relationship with my children where I will make memories of the three of us special.

Maybe you should seek some counseling just to get yourself back on track. I got some and it helped immensely. So what if he is with some girl with tons of money. Money can't buy all the memories and times with your children that you have and he doesn't.

Hang in there,

Terry