Still have feelings for EX!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2005
Still have feelings for EX!
4
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 12:00am
Wow! I've had prob-ly the worst 2 wks since my divorce. My xh and I started talking and trying to be friends. It was my suggestion to try. He started hanging around, we did things with 3 kids. There was the old chemistry again and flirting, lots of unresolved feelings. We admitted we still had feelings to each other. He flirted back, paid attention to me, initiated sex and whammo!! I'm right back where I started. He now says, he regrets it, wants to forget it, oh, and he has a girlfriend, loves her and doesn't want anything to wreck his wonderful relationship with her. He's happy. Was it just me, nope, he was right there, participating too. We talked about it and I just honestly wanted to put all my feelings away. It was a mistake. He is still a big jerk who doesn't have time for anyone but himself. How do I deal with him now? Has this happened to anyone else? I got sucked right back in and believed everything he said. I feel like a fool and humiliated on top of it. We have loved each other since the age of 16 and I originally left him because of his anger problem, he had kicked me. I feel so low right now, I want to deal with this and move on but I don't know how. Anyone got any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 8:19am

Hugs, dragonfly. Don't feel bad about yourself for this happening - this has happened to many people. It's easy to fall back into the old 'married' pattern when you spend time with your ex like that. Instead you can use it as a learning experience - you found out that it didn't work for you, so protect yourself from having it happen again. You & your ex may be able to become friends and spend time together eventually, but as long as you still have those feelings, spending 'family' type time together is risking something like this happening. Until you've healed and truly moved on with your life (not necessarily dating, but no longer having a part of you still want your ex), I believe that keeping some distance is one of the best ways to help yourself in the healing process. You need time and distance to build your own life before you're able to accept him in your life and not try to rekindle his old role. Hang in there - you'll get through this.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 9:50am

Oh boy.... hugs to you honey.


It is SO EASY to have this happen. I think for me, once I start feeling even a little "friend" with XH I start a fight, just to get it over with and remember that I loathe this person who did what he did to us.


I guess just take it one step at a time. You shouldn't feel low nor sad, chalk it up as experience and keep living the life you created since the divorce.


Hugs to you and good luck!


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 11:37am

I agree with Sang. But you are not alone at all. I have made that mistake three times and each time it destroyed me. I have cut it out, its been 3 1/2 months that I havent slept with him and that feels good. But Ive noticed a pattern with him. When he sees that Im "slipping away" trying to create distance between us he says the right things to pull me back in. I've been getting better but he got to me a little over the last couple of days and when I cried and felt dumb it wasnt for as long b/c I see what's happening. Im finally learning. Right now he has no job and doesnt even spend time with his son on a regular basis. Said he would get him yesterday, I called him to ask him about it, he says he cant get to it. Foolishly I asked him why not and I could hear giggling in the background. I was so upset I just hung up the phone on him. That hurts me the most, him not even being responsible enough to spend time with our son but has all the time in the world for "his women" Its disgusting.

But I cant do anything about it. Ive been waiting for over a year for him to "wake up". Its not happening. But he tells me that he doesnt know what he's doing and he's just blowing in the wind. He has so many regrets and has so many things to be sorry for. Yeah right. With all that talk why is he still doing the same thing. Why is he still with this 21 yr old girl? Why is he not being a responsible father. What's worse is he has twins with the ow and he even left her. He's not worth it but somehow my heart still at times wishes he would change. See he cant deal with the hard issues, he runs all the time. He has a problem handling responsibility, or pressure. He even admitted that he will run from "dealing with his feelings,issues between us" for as long as he can. I told him he cant run from "us" forever. He says he knows but isnt "ready" now. He's 29 yrs old. Since I kicked him out he has had twins, lost his job, then his truck and he's still immature. What will it take? Only God knows.

No Contact is best. I noticed a complete difference in myself when I dont see or talk to him. It's when Im around him that the wound re-opens and therefore I dont heal properly. Think of it like with any cut you have. At first it hurts like hell, you clean it, bandage it and LEAVE IT ALONE and before you know it the wound heals and it doesnt hurt al all anymore. But as long as you keep picking at it, it wont heal. Im struggling with that now, but im getting better at it. You can do it. One day at a time. What helps me alot are the recovery toolboxes on other boards as well, reading, and quotes of inspiration. Check out the boards: Codependents & Love Addicts, Breaking Up is Hard to do, Toxic Relationships. You'll find strength and ideas in other people's stories.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 12:02pm

It is so difficult to let go of someone you have knkown forever and had babies with. You can do it, though.

"You & your ex may be able to become friends and spend time together eventually"

This is true, but give yourself five years of healing first.