Still in limbo, trying to lose the guilt
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| Mon, 02-05-2007 - 1:18pm |
As some of you may recall, I told my H (wayward husband) that I didn't want to be with him anymore. This was last summer. I was convinced he felt the same way; yet, he said he didn't want the marriage to break up. He started IC very shortly after and is now taking an anti-depressant.
Problem is, it just feels way too late. I'm very sure he cheated with at least a coworker, but I don't have solid proof, just a ton of red flags. My IC pushes my guilt buttons, too, by talking about how my WH is "just depressed" and bringing up how I mentioned the "in sickness and in health" part of the vow.
I so want a sign (proof or him leaving) so that I don't feel guilty. We have a 3 yo DD and 2 dogs. If I could move out and protect my access to DD and the dogs and my stuff and get my half of assets, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
I don't want him touching me. I wish the OW would show up and take him. He's been emotionally abusive, and my IC just thinks it's his depression. It's taken a toll on me; I just don't want to have anything to do with him. He said he won't do MC until he fixes his issues, whatever those are. He is EXTREMELY secretive; I don't know who I am married to.
How did you lose the guilt? I daydream about my own place, free of his criticalness. I hate being home with him. I'm thinking of getting a storage unit and putting my stuff in there. Ugh, I pray every day for that external sign.

If I could give him away, I would! Auction him off on e-Bay!
I don't know how to start it. Last time, what got me saying "I don't want to be with you anymore" was turning down his wanting to be intimate and then he asked why.
I guess I need to make good on my threat. Maybe I'll start invoking the "I'm not good enough for you" argument (never mind that he cheated!).
I just want him to move onto the OW or someone else. Just deal with me in terms of DD and the dogs and finances!
Crafty,
Just a thought here, but why are you waiting for your him to give you permission to make decisions?
Do what you need to do to protect your daughter first, yourself second, and your assets third. The dog can be temporarily turned over to a friend or neighbor in the meantime.
See a lawyer to learn your rights and responsiblities, rent that storage unit and find another place to live. Then move. Period.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
I don't know why I am waiting for "permission" - it's not like my mind changed in the last five months! I have a hard time doing what *I* want and not feeling guilty about it.
I did find two apartment complexes nearby that allow two dogs, so I will be able to get an apartment there if need be (I can't be without my dogs; they are my security system in addition to my furry children, and DD LOVES them too!).
So I get the storage unit and start putting my stuff in there. Meanwhile, I want to tell my H to move on, go on to someone else, I won't hold it against you.
Crafty,
I'm so sorry that you're going through this!! I'm glad that you took the time to post, though. Just remember, that no matter what you're going through, we're here!!
"I'm very sure he cheated with at least a coworker", "bringing up how I mentioned the "in sickness and in health" part of the vow", The statement that "a woman always knows" is true. The signs that you're waiting for, from your post, are already there. My suggestion is that you look over the things that have been bothering you, and take an objective look at what is going on, and what has gone on. As for the comment that the counselor said, that's hooey. Yes, we all make the same vow when we get married. At the time that we make it, and even after, we mean it. BUT!! Abuse of any kind, isn't within the context of that vow, no matter who is doing it! No one, and I mean NO ONE!, should have to take it. I know this, because I did for 23 years! I signed my final divorce papers yesterday, and I can tell you that I did this, all of this for me first. My kids didn't deserve to live in that kind of environment anymore. Neither does your dd.
"If I could move out and protect my access to DD and the dogs and my stuff and get my half of assets, I'd do it in a heartbeat." Are you concerned that you would not be able to take your dd with you? These are questions that only an atty can answer for you. Have you been looking for one? I know that the decision to see an atty, and file the papers is a huge one, but you have to ask yourself how much longer can I take this? Do you feel as though you do not deserve to be happy? You don't have to answer that question for me, I'm just trying to get you to think, not that you haven't been doing enough of that!
The guilt eases in time. Even now, 9 months after I filed, weeks after the final hearing, and only a day after I signed the final papers, it comes to the surface every now and then. I learned early on though, that I deserve to be happy, healthy and safe. Divorce, and the emotions that come with it, are a process. It's much like dealing with the death of a loved one. You have your good days, you have your bad days. Being able to accept that all of the things that you're feeling are "normal", and giving yourself time, and patience to deal with them, is key. Do you have a support system built up? Having people around you that know what's going on, and are helping you deal with it will help.
Just remember this, we're here, and you're not alone!!
Take care,
Laurene
Thanks. I have visited a lawyer, last summer, and took a lot of notes. It was a free consultation, and I decided I would go with that attorney when I do file.
The comment about DD and the dogs refers to my wanting to move out right now, but knowing that I can't just up and move out, or else that could be considered abandonment and H might not let back in or see DD and the dogs. My IC can't believe that I think like that about my H, but seeing how his family is, they do whatever they can to have their way, no matter what, and I don't want to chance that. Filing, however, just seems like it will bring up more drama and H getting upset.
I just want to be in my own place so badly. H is so miserable and angry all the time; he expects things a certain way, and I don't care; it's a vicious cycle. He hasn't shown me any sign that I'm NOT right in my thinking. He is making me physically and mentally ill. The abuse is enough to make me lose my love for him, and then add in the highly suspected cheating (even the PI I hired believed me, but H was unable to be caught, probably because he knew I was on to him and he is very sneaky). I don't trust H and I don't respect him for the way he has been treating DD and I. I don't care anymore that he is in IC, too; it would be less guilt provoking if he weren't, but at least that's good for DD's sake.
I just want to run away so badly some days. If there were no DD and dogs, I'd take a day off and just move my stuff out right away, I so want to be done with him. He makes my skin crawl. I wish he'd go be with his OW or something.
"Meanwhile, I want to tell my H to move on, go on to someone else, I won't hold it against you."
Crafty,
What you mean is you want HIM to leave so you won't have to feel guilty about wanting out of the relationship. You're still waiting for him to give YOU permission to go on with your life. You can wait a long time and still be stuck right where you are. You're co-dependent on this guy. You feel responsible for his feelings. You can't be responsible for his feelings. Their his. Not yours.
If you find you can't make your own choices based on your needs rather than his, I suggest you find a counselor who specializes in co-dependency. They can help you identify why are co-dependent and help you get the tools you need to free yourself from this type of relationship.
Good luck,
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
So that's codependency! I know, I need to do what I feel is right for ME.
I just have a hard time not feeling guilty because he's in IC now after I said I didn't want to be with him. But he hasn't shown me anything that would change my mind. I just don't want to deal with him anymore than I need to. Nothing I do is right for him.
I just think that if I can get the whole process started, I will feel a HUGE sense of relief. I tried to do that last summer and got guilted into staying. I feel like I'm going crazy.
Edited 2/7/2007 3:13 pm ET by crafty1985