Still suffering??? Anyone else?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Still suffering??? Anyone else?
4
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 4:31pm
So i am three years out of my divorce and i thought i was doing great...moved to a new city, new great job and even a new boyfriend. Well the new bf and i have been together for over a year now and we have started talking about moving in together...he is also divorced and has kids from a previous marriage and has partial custody...so now all of a sudden i am having anxiety and panic attacks and i think it is because of the idea of committing to this relationship by moving in together...i love him very much and he is absolutely wonderful to me...but something is holding me back and i am afraid of a fear of this one not working too...has anyone else experienced this? We spend all of our free time together and even stay at each others places at least 4 nights a week...so it would seem like the next step...to move in but i am afraid of the leap...and how do i know if it is the leap with him or the leap with anyone...he is wonderful and i do not want this relationship to be over, but i have to admit that i am scared as all he!! here. I have started to see a therapist about the anxiety and panic attacks and she is the one that has hinted that it could be because of the damage from the marriage that i have not recovered from...and here i was thinking i was so far past all of this...is it better to just take the leap? Even though now, we know what it really feels like when it ends??? I am just not sure what to do...if i need more time or it is something that i need to push through...any thoughts out there?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 6:10pm

Vb,


It sounds like you're just not ready to make the commitment to live with someone else right now. So don't. It's natural to have some doubts or concerns when making a commitment, but if it's anxiety attacks and depression, you still have work to do.


Continue to see your therapist. Ask your BF to be patient. If he wants to have a deeper commitment with you he'll wait.


Good luck and let us know how you're doing.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

Avatar for julie364
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 10:00pm
I have suffered from depression and anxiety. The anxiety gets to me sometimes. A little too much to deal with. And for me yes it comes from my STBX devastating me. When someone's behavior changes so much and you are made to feel like you are not worth much, it takes its toll. I will definitely have to go back to therapy. I called my STBX today to talk about one of our children. It took me back to when he was trying to hide things from me and his new life adventure was making him not so rational. I did not feel well so it was probably not a good time to call him ( I am needy when I feel like crap) He sounded on the phone like he was too busy to talk, with someone, very disinterested. I thought we would always be able to talk about our children.
I'm glad you have a relationship with someone. I have not dated at all. Not too healthy for me but I am not ready.
I hope your therapy helps you. Maybe you should just keep things the way they are and not move in together. You said you spend all your free time together. Do you spend anytime apart or are separated because of a business trip or other ventures?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 7:43am

Hi vb,


Just take your time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 10:46am

My BF has been great and he has not put any pressure on me at all about when we should move in together, especially since it was originally my idea. He seemed a little hesitant about it at first when we started talking about it a couple of months ago and now he is the one that is ready for it and i am the one putting on the breaks. I am just not sure how these relationship things work...with my ex, we met and were moved in together within 6 months of meeting and engaged a couple of months after that...so it was a whirlwind. I have never dated someone for more than a year...in college i dated a guy for just under a year and then I was in grad school when i met my ex and it went from there. I have dated a couple of people since my ex and before my current BF so i am confident that it is not a rebound thing. And i love him dearly and he is absolutely wonderful to me...and i hate the fact that i am this damaged...in my family, I have always been the strong one and in control of my life and i am now realizing that i am still putting up the charade and did not even know i was doing it...until the anxiety and panic hit...the added pressure is his kids...he has them every other weekend and one night a week and i am nervous about that...the relationship that he has with his daughter is already rocky and she has now said that she does not want to be around if i am there...so what would moving in together do to all of this?

So we have pushed off the move in date to April (was supposed to be Dec.) and he says that if that is too soon, we can push it off again...he is no hurry to pressure me and that means a lot, but confuses me as a person since i am the go-getting, hard charging individual and like to have things accomplished and here i am all messed up...

Thanks for listening...it helps to know that others have been there...i just feel bad that each day i am a little different, i do not know if i am going to wake up and be in a good mood or an anxiety mood...the meds can only help so much, ya know? I also am a person that likes to fix things now and have immediate answers (what i do for a living too) so this is way out of my comfort zone...ugh!