still trying to punish me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
still trying to punish me?
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 3:22pm

My divorce has been final for almost a year now, but I am still dealing from some residual effects.

To sum up, my ex-husband decided 10 months into our marriage that he wanted out. That day he told me he had an "emotional attachment" to a girl at work. I had him investigated and had evidence of a compromising situation - I did not use it because I did not want to go to court. There was so much back and forth that my attorney fees were too high to go any further. Anything additional I might have gotten in court would have been eaten up by the expenses.

Although the divorce was all his idea, and he was pretty much in control the entire time, I feel like he has wanted to punish me all along. Maybe it's because I didn't roll over and die - for example, he wanted to claim my shower gifts as marital property yet the wedding gift his best friend gave us the night before the wedding was supposed to be his. Most of my expenses came during this back-and-forth over the settlement.

Because I am Catholic, I intend to get the marriage annulled by the church. During negotiations, I requested he pay for it, but he refused because he had no desire to obtain one. Not long after, he told a mutual friend that he didn't care about an annulment, he'd just become Presbyterian or Methodist if the Catholic church "didn't want him." However, last summer he started contacting my father to find out the status of the annulment. Because he didn't get a satisfactory answer, I found out not long ago he contacted my diocese (I have since moved back to my home state). Today I found out he plans to file for one himself, and prove that I am nothing but a liar.

I HAVE started the process... I met with a case assessor and am working on my grounds - but have not yet formally filed. I admit to procrastinating on this, because it's still painful to look back at that period in my life. He is in a hurry to get the marriage annulled because he is marrying the girl he "didn't leave me for" in May. He just doesn't understand that this is a slow process. The church doesn't rush it just because he's in a hurry.

My life is in a pretty good place right now. I moved back to where I went to college and started coaching there. I bought a house, and have a good second part-time job that may become full-time. Money is a little tight, but my family helps the best they can. And I can't say enough about the good people in my life who've helped me through it.

But I can't totally put this all behind me. It is hard to totally forgive someone who shows no remorse for what he's done. And while I am far happier without him - I have seen him for what he really is now - I still have this lingering fear that he is trying to punish me for perceived crimes against him. My family and friends think that getting the annulment will sever the final tie and he'll be out of my life for good, but I am afraid that won't be the case. Especially since I will present to the church the evidence about his and his girlfriend/fiancee. He can't really refute that.

Anyway, I am sorry this is so long for my first post. I am just looking for some support. Like I said, my family is great but I hate getting THEIR blood pressure up over all this.