Still Venting after 9 years...

Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003
Still Venting after 9 years...
7
Mon, 02-17-2014 - 8:26am

...since my divorce was final.  Ugh, I just learned that my ex is taking me back to court, yet again.  My divorce took over three years in the courts becaue of his arguing.  It's not enough that I pay him child support...now, he wants more.  :(  I think I just need to do what I can at any given moment, and,. then, stop thinking about it.  Yes, it is THAT EASY.  Ok, done.

Make it a great day, and thanks for letting me vent!  :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2013
Mon, 02-17-2014 - 11:16am

Omg-that makes me angry for you. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 02-17-2014 - 12:24pm
Find a good lawyer and let him/her handle it. Don't let yourself get crazy, that makes him a winner!
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 11:31am

  This is not uncommon.  Fissy's right get a good lawyer and let thhem handle it.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 9:05pm

Is there some basis for him wanting more, like you getting a higher paying job or him losing his job?  or is he just harrassing you?

Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003
Fri, 03-07-2014 - 7:54am

He argues EVERYTHING.  The divorce was final 8 years ago.  However, the QDRO was finalized by my last lawyer, and he is now arguing that, along with multiple other things.  He refused counselling for my son, after my son threatened to burn my house down multiple times and then tried to hit me (he is 6'1" and muscular and I am 5'3" and petite).  It was always my ex's dream to get ahold of my kids so that I would have to pay child support.  So, now I pay child support for a child I have not seen in two years (I told my 17 yo son that we would need counselling to repair our relationship before I would see him again.)  Oh, and you have to know that I have had two orders of protection against my ex for various reasons.  My ex was diagnosed with OCD and Anger Management problems while we were in counselling...he used to self medicate by drinking booze starting at 10 AM, so you get the picture...I don't know what he does now, because I have had only three conversations with him in 11 years, along with numerous police reports.

I have a meeting set up with my new/current lawyer, and this time, my husband is going with me because he has a much better memory of all of the crap behind each situation AND he processes things more quickly (and logically), whereas I get more emotional and have to think about everything for a few days before I get to the (usually) same logical conclusion that he gets to in a matter of seconds.  <sigh>  The court system gives the abusive personality the greatest opportunity to abuse more.  :(  Each new judge and each new lawyer gives the abuser the benefit of the doubt which just infuriates me.  I think that each court date should start with a review of the abuse charges so that there is SOME deterrent for the abuser to stop the nonsense!

There is a book, "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft that is so succinct and insightful with regards to the abusive personality.  It should be a required class for everyone in the legal system!!!

Thanks for your thoughts and well-wishes.  It really is TRULY APPRECIATED!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014
Sun, 03-16-2014 - 12:05am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2007
Tue, 03-25-2014 - 9:17am

Lundy Bancroft's book saved my sanity!  

I too have been divorced for 8 years and still struggle with my XH over a variety of issues.  We were up for a child support review last year - I spent a great deal of money and ended up in the same place even though my XH's income doubled.  Long story short, my XH is a lawyer (though not a divorce lawyer) and is very adept at working the system.  We were headed toward trial but my lawyer let me know that the cost of trial would be more than double what I could expect for a CS increase (she was clear that she thought I was do a significant increase but knowing my X, she knew the trial costs would be much higher than normal).  I decided to be practical, why spend 10K to get 5K?

Anyhow, these days, I'm gearing up for a battle with him over a summer program for our 16yo son.  He wants my son to attend a program run by a well know college that will cost $7200.  I don't have the money to pay for this - not to mention that there are a variety of local programs that cost a fraction of that.  He frequently pushes for activities/things that aren't a problem in his economic world but aren't in my budget (I'm responsible for 30% of anything the kids do).  

If say "no not in my budget"  he witholds funds that are supposed to cover things that aren't in question (like dental visits and eyeglasses).  So in effect, he forces me to pay for things I don't agree to by witholding reimbursement for things he is clearly responsible for.  This went on for years until the $ amount was at a level I thought it worth getting my attorney involved.  We took him to court and the judge (who was new to the bench) agreed that he had to reimburse me but refused to hit him with any punitive measures.  So, my XH has no motivation to follow our agreement. 

I'm so tired of this never ending battle with him.  Even if I did have the money, I'm not sure I would feel this was a worthwhile expenditure.  

I'm sorry to be so negative, but for those at the begining of their divorce process, understand that it is a process that continues for many years - especially if you have children.