still wants his cake!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2008
still wants his cake!!!
11
Thu, 07-10-2008 - 10:48pm

I have lurking here for a couple months now and Im just so lost....


I caught my stbx having an affair in Oct 07 and he left me for the OW. They have been living together now since he left and I have been so hurt and lonely. Lately he has been coming around more often. (he says to see the kids yet he shows up after thier bedtime) He says he misses me and made a mistake, he trys to be lovey with me, wanting sex..... But he is still living with her!


My head wants to proceed with the divorce but my heart wants him back..... It would just be so easy if he stayed away, if he just stopped playing these games. Hasnt he hurt me enough?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
Fri, 07-11-2008 - 6:46am

I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot poll until the OW was out of the picture, he was living on his own and you both were in marriage counseling. History has a way of repeating itself. Looks like he may be starting to realize the grass isn't always greener....


GL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 07-11-2008 - 7:27am

Hi devastated,


My blunt advice: DO NOT give him sex. Period. I wouldn't even allow him in the house without a friend or family member present and then only to visit your children (well before their bedtime).


He's trying to have it both ways. (Imagine, he cheated on you and now he's cheating on the OW.)


He's trying to keep you hopeful so he has a fall back if the GF dumps him. (A real possibility since their not married and she could move on any time.) It's also critical for your coping ability. If you have sex with him but nothing else you'll just wind up feeling used. It will also be very difficult to make decisions that are best for you. It's like giving a starving animal a few crumbs. Limit your contact to child issues only and again, be "unavailable" when he comes to see the kids.


You want to find out if he's serious about getting back together? Here's my program:


1)He dumps the GF.


2)You keep separate residences. (NO SEX).


3)You go to marriage counseling.


Present that to him next time he says he misses you and see if he accepts the terms. If he's immediate reaction is "no way" then you'll know. He's just looking for nooky and not a serious relationship with you.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020


Some commonly misspelled words on this board:


You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2008
Fri, 07-11-2008 - 10:47am

I know exactly how you feel!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-11-2008 - 11:00am
I do think that these kind of guys want to have the fling but still keep their wives available just in case it doesn't work out which of course is totally selfish.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2008
Fri, 07-11-2008 - 11:19am

I totally agree!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 4:21pm
Ok, well if you have already messed up and had sex with your soon to be ex-husband.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2005
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 11:41pm

Forgive yourself!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 7:30am
Thanks for responding! It's amazing how quickly one's life can get out of control.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 10:33am

The next time you are tempted, try thinking about him & the young girlfriend and maybe that will make you angry enough not to do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 6:37pm

Yea, maybe on the young BF part. Thanks.

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