stress before and after

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
stress before and after
4
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 2:31am
is life better now or before? I am unhappy now and I was unhappy before the seperation.. Now my stresses are money and guilt, before my stresses where him and unhappiness...
this is the 1st time i have reached out, so can I share my story? thanks in advance for helping~
I asked my husb of 23 years for a divorce 15 months ago. He didnt even try to talk me out of it.. It had been coming for some time. We sold our house, we both rented separate places, and the very next weekend he says he doesnt want a divorce. It took 6 months to separate and he never mentioned anything until we moved apart. I had a list of reasons I asked for a divorce, i shared it with him and he said he would work on meeting my "list" issues. He said he would draft me a list too, that was 6 months ago, Ive never seen one. One of the list items were for him to go to therapy for his OCD, and once he did that I would go too with him for our relationship. He hasnt done this... He IS very nice to me each time I see him, which is totally unlike our marriage when he was mentally abusive. He now is presuring me to get back together. Since our only child is moving away to college in 4 months, my "husband" wants me to find a new job, that makes more money, and discusses this with me everytime I see him (which is often)Yet I like the job I have (actually hate the job, love the flexibility as I am a self employed housekeeper and only want to work 3/4 time if at all possible)and college expenses are an issue but not a huge problem, we can make the tuitions with our current job situations. I actually applied for a job I didnt want just to please him..Thank god i didnt get it. ANyway, he is a good provider,He has been nice to me more since our seperation then ever when we were married, which means possibly he is changing?? He is not a very involved dad, but does show love for his son occasionally.. Our sex life was awful, in fact almost non-existant, which of course he claims was ONLY my fault. he calls me 3 times a day, i rarely call him. 2 nights ago he called when my son and I were driving to go out to dinner, he wanted to go too but couldnt make it for 1.5 hours and we didnt want to wait as we were so hungry and didnt want to wait til 8pm. So I said no... He then calls back 15 minutes later,when he knew we were in the restaurant eating and said "tell me how you really feel about me, do u have any feelings at all for me" I said "uh, i am in the middle of a restaurant with our son, I cant talk about this" he hung up on me. The next morning I called him, he said "I am too busy, just like you, I cant talk about it" and hung up on me again. I called back and got his ans machine so I left a stern (but not mean) message about the call the night before, about how he hasnt done my list items, and that I cant see a future with him without changes, But I also said lets go away for a weekend (platonically) and discuss our options..He never called me back....anyways.. he really wants me to move back in with him after my lease is up here and our son moves away to college. He lives 25 miles from me in a large city, in a one bedroom place. When we owned our house, i wasnt allowed to sleep in our bedroom because I snore (5 years this went on!) & he wouldnt use earplugs which he now says was a mistake. so whats the draw to even consider moving back in with him? well he didnt cheat on me, he provided well, we traveled alot, and life was easier then it is now. he is very self centered, i had to fib alot about things like money, thecosts of things, where I was (he didnt like me to go out to lunch or things like that) I never have cheated on him, never ever would. I always supported him during many trying times, and injuries (he races motocycles and I hate it) i love his family, (except his mom who i hate, and she hates everyone she has ever met). oh i just dont know what to do, if i do give him another chance, will i regret it and have to start this all over again? We have been together for 28 years and married for almost 24 of those years & this is the 1st time we have ever separated.. i miss certain things, like financial stability mostly, like not being lonely (yet he was gone all the time) i miss "couple" things, i miss having someone to vent to, even tho I often regreted all of his advice. i am thinking it would be silly to go back, yet why am i questioning it?? life is stressful now.. I am having a hard time making ends meet, even though I now work 2 jobs. I do get lonely, but actually not as much as I will in a few months when my son moves.. I volunteer alot (something my stbx hated) I have a close sister and great friends. I even had a previous christian counselor (whom I knew as a friend but not as my counselor) suggest divorce. ugh ugh ugh
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 12:35pm

WOW you sure are going through a lot on your end it sounds that he has not been supportive of you and controlling you of when to go out and how to spend YOUR money although I know when you get married its "OUR" now my X Hub he would do the same crap to me and we had no kids but he would tell me how much I could spend when he was the one with the gambling problem ( addict to Lottery tickets and scracth offs) you sound like a responisble person but no man should treat you as if you were a child and not a grown women it sounds like if he really did respect you then he would make an effort to go to counseling and he sounds immature I mean come on to hang up on you for you were eating with your son and not wanting to make your son feel uncomfortable about talking about divorcing his dad you were respecting your son's feelings you think your stbx would get that and not be immature the next day " Since you were busy now I am " that is absurd your stbx needs to grow up it sounds like he misses controlling you and knowing that you are gaining independence is not a good sign for him for who is he going to control now that you are gone ? Do not be with someone out of loneliness for its best to be alone then be with a jerk for the rest of your life something I once heard on a radio station as a teen ager boy was that lady right !

I have moved on to a much nicer man then my X and I hope someday your stbx grows up goes to counseling and starts to show you the respect that you deserve that is JMHO !

Peace

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 1:25pm

I totally understand where you're coming from because I have had those struggles too. That's why so many people stay in a painful situation rather than take a risk for the unknown. I agree with the other posting that it's better to be alone and single than lonely in a marriage.

It hasn't been easy for me and it hurt seeing other couples doing things while I was alone, especially at my kids' school functions. But then I would tell myself that if the divorce rate is as high as they say it is then half the couples I see are not happy anyway.

I also want to tell you that I have now found someone, someone that I want to share my life with in the future, and it feels good to be alive again. There is life beyond the person you were married to. I know because I was in a long term marriage (which is supposed to end April 4 after nearly two years) for over 20 years. I am so happy I took the risk to get out of a dead end situation with a mean and self centered person -- who by the way has hung up on me several times.

My life is not as financially secure these days, but I can wake up and know it's going to be a good day and that someone else is not going to ruin it. I say give it time, get a good therapist, do things with friends, do the things you were never able to do during the marriage, EXPLORE! This is your opportunity - seize it. :)

Belinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 2:00pm

It's mostly better for me now. Financially it's more difficult living on one salary, but with him it would have been difficult anyway given he's self employed and doesn't always have work. I'm fortunate that I have a good paying, stable job. Just hard raising 4 growing kids and owning a house on that one income. I've had to learn to suck it up and work overtime in order to make ends meet some weeks. But it's been ok and I've done it on my own. It's just so discouraging to be making $25 an hour and still struggling. And I don't buy luxury items either!!

It's been two years since the divorce so alot of the growing pains have subsided. The kids have adjusted to it and I've been able to get a set schedule at work so that my ex and I can have a set joint custody schedule. Of course he's still on my back about things and seems to always manage to come up with something to call me and harrass me about. I've been hanging up on him so he's taken to letter writing. The letters are so upsetting that I just simply return them unopened and go back to my regularly scheduled life!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 6:08pm

Eno,


Welcome to the board. I hope you find help and support here as you work through your divorce. Please come as often as you like.


Based on your post I have a couple of observations. First, divorce is a major rejection for both the person who leaves and the person who is left. Yes, even the person who WANTS the divorce and gets it can have regrets about it. It's a tough transition.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020