Struggling with self

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2008
Struggling with self
5
Thu, 03-27-2008 - 7:14pm

My divorce was final 3 weeks ago. I have been having a hard time for the last 6 weeks. I have been calling my now ex once a week on average, just to see how he acts, since I am struggling with things. I was doing fine up until 6 weeks ago and then the world started crashing.


My ex says that I'm welcome to come back, and I miss home, my pets and most of him. He's a drinker. Not falling down drunk but as the folks of AA and Al-anon call him a 'functioning drunk'. Daily drinker, not sure how much since he always hid it and the occasional falling down episodes. He never hit me but because of the falling down episodes and the drinking behind my back I was always waiting for the other shoe to hit the floor. Also, his mother tops the list instead of me.


What I am struggling with is I have met a wonderful man. Sweet to me, doesn't drink and likes to do things outdoors like fishing and hunting and has nice friends and family. His financial position isn't what my ex's is and I am focused so much on that that I feel stupid and feel free to call me that.


Why can't I see the great in him and stop the co-depending with the ex? Please, offer any comments, even harsh ones, maybe reality will help me.


Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 03-27-2008 - 9:50pm

Goddess,


First, I will tell you this: STOP CONTACTING your EX! It's not doing you any good! So he says "come back." That might be what you want to hear, but the reality of what you lived with is telling you, "Are you kidding?" Unless you both entered counseling, him rehab and AA, and you remained apart during this time, I wouldn't even consider returning to him. (He's not going to change dear. He's an alcoholic. If his drink came first then, it will come first now and all the income in the world isn't going to suddenly make him sober.)


Second, I encourage you to get into a support group and individual therapy. If you still think you're codependent - you are. You're not going to "save" him for yourself or from himself. A good therapist will help you identify your issues and why you can't seem to let go and help you get going.


Third, take any new relationship slow. It's easy to run away from heartache by starting a new relationship, but if you're not done with the previous one you are giving yourself or the other person the best shot.


Good luck...and get going!


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 10:24am

I think that you probably can't appreciate the wonderfulness of the new guy cause it's too soon after the divorce and you haven't gotten over it yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 11:34pm

First of all - DETACHMENT IS A MUST!


My stbx is also an alcoholic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2008
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 12:15am

From one newly divorced person to another...stop calling him.

Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2008 - 10:13am

Until you get rid of the codependency issues with your X, you will be of no use to the new man in your life.