STUCK

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
STUCK
11
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 4:09pm
I am not divorcing but think about it all the time. The only reason I stay is because I have to young children, a small income, and a LOT of guilt. I too cheated and am still cheating with someone I am very much in love with. My husband knows I cheated (doesn't know I am still) and still wants to try. I am not in love with my husband although he is a wonderful father and a "good husband", etc. He is a fine man, I'm just not in love with him. He mostly just gets on my nerves, and we fight a lot. I have no desire for sex with him. I come to bed late and get up early to avoid his advances and subsequent pouting. I could deal with it if he would stop having expectations I can't meet - that is, feeling for him what he feels for me. I just don't! But is that a sufficient reason to break up a family and destroy my kids? Am I completely selfish? He really does not deserve at all to be going through what I'm putting him through, and he is understandably miserable. I have no idea whatsoever what I should do or how this situation will be resolved. Another thing is that I am terrified that if we got divorced, I would realize later that I had something great and that I did love him after all, but it will be too late and I'll be a lonely, late 30s, single mother and divorcee. On 2/18 we will have been married 9 years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
In reply to: lulapace
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 9:22pm
go to marriage counseling and try to work on your marriage. stop seeing the guy you are cheating on your husband with! If you work on your marriage wholeheartedly and still can't find a spark then get a divorce...then call up the other guy. cheating is a really crappy thing to do. sorry I can't we warm and fuzzy for you. I'd say good luck to you but, I think we make our own luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
In reply to: lulapace
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 1:02am

I recommend counseling as well. My STBX went for a short 4 sessions and what we learned about was helpful. I really feel like if we had continued to go we would not be going through this divorce. I also think you should stop seeing you guy. It is not fair to pretend to try when you are still breaking your vows. I think that my stbx has had an affair but can not prove it. But if he did I would be much more likely to forgive him if he stopped, severed ties and went to counseling. I know how it is to be a single mom and it also scares me to death. I would have stayed with my husband forever, just to keep my babies from being from a "broken" home but I am the one being left. I know how the rejection that your husband must feel because it does hurt to be left and to be lied to. I am not trying to be preachy but I think you should figure out what is causing the feelings you are having. I know that I have had a lot of built up resentment for my H and that has driven a wedge between us that we can not move. I hope everything works out for you. Do what makes you happy and if that means moving on do so but dont keep dragging him down with you.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2007
In reply to: lulapace
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 1:53am
After my divorce a good friend of mine talked to me about what they had gone through when their ex had cheated on them and how they worked things out until their children were old enough to understand that dad was out with another woman instead of mom. She told me what made her mind up even though she wanted to work things out because there were children involved was when her daughter came to her one nite and asked mom so who is dad sleeping with tonite. Thats what made her dicide it was time to get a divorce she was just hurting her children more by staying with their father bacause they had known for along time. I know its hard on children I have two of my own along with four step-children. My children took it hard at first but they have come to terms with it now and understand that mom and I are both better off the way we are today. But what ever you do remember that if your not happy your children are going to see that and suffer from it at the same time. I wish you the best and hope all works out for you and yours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2007
In reply to: lulapace
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 8:45pm
Probably not what you want to hear, but you are not being fair to yourself, your guy, your husband or your kids. Kids do have an idea of what is happening & they pick up on the tension. It's not good behavior to model. Your guy doesn't have all of you or you of him so you have no way of knowing if it's real. Your husband is being cheated of giving his marriage a real chance because you are only pretending to really be in it. You have someone else - let your husband find someone to love him as he deserves too. You are actually hurting everyone & only protecting yourself from having to make it on your own. It is hard. It is scary. However, you can do it. You will have to make sacrifices & adjustments like working more & having less, but you can do it. In the long run it's best for everyone. If you guy on the side is true love you will end up together. If not you will survive. Think carefully and I agree - try counseling. I wish you all the best, it's a tough road.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
In reply to: lulapace
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 8:57am

Thanks everyone for your honesty - but it's too late now. My husband accessed my email account and saw notice of replies to my post, read my post, and now rightfully hates my guts. I have done an incredible amount of damage to him, I have lied and lied, I have been completely centered on myself. I don't know what I've become. And I can't take any of it back.

Let this be a cautionary tale for anyone who thinks they may want to have an affair. If you have even the mildest attraction to someone other than your spouse, RUN LIKE HELL. Because it will get to a point where you can't walk away from that person. That's what happened to me. For more than 2 years I have been powerless over my feelings for this "other person," and now he wants none of it. I have destroyed my husband, my family, myself. And for what? For someone who used me and only cared up to the point where it threatened his status quo.

It's all over for me now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
In reply to: lulapace
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 1:35pm
I find myself in a similar situation, on 2/25 it will be our 10 year anniversary, and I'm married to a man that many women would feel lucky to be with. A couple years ago, I began individual therapy to deal with some of my own issues with regard to my own family, and was in weekly sessions for a year. I grew so much, and the entire time, completely oblivious to how much the change in me affected my relationship with him. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for almost two years, it started b/c of his sleep apnea and weight gain, the result, we've grown further and further apart emotionally. Sex is just for him got get off now, as I'm completely uninterested and not turned on by him. I am so lonely, and we have had several discussions about what is wrong with our marriage, but nothing ever changes. I finally spoke up on Sunday, explaining just how miserable I am, and he feels as though this has come out of left field. I'm angry and resentful that he's not been more in tune with what has been going on...seems to be avoiding it...he tells me he does not want a divorce, but I'm afraid to 'pull the trigger' so to speak. I'm COMPLETELY financially dependent upon him, and I know it's not fair to him to prolong this...I'm only 31, we were married very young, and I hate where my life has come to at this point. He wants to try counseling, but I'm not sure it will work. I'm not sure I want to continue to live like this, as I'm not convinced he is able to be the husband that I need him to be. And to make matters worse, our life together seems to be looked at by friends and family as 'the' definition of a stable marriage. Things couldn't be further from the truth. I don't want to marry again, and I yearn to find a way to gain my independence back...this rollercoaster of emotions that i've been on for the past few weeks is taking a toll on my, not sleeping, crying all the time, and being afraid to share what I'm feeling with my friends and family is making it worse. Someone, please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
In reply to: lulapace
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 2:55pm
Yikes! I am so sorry it has come to this. Any hope for counciling?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
In reply to: lulapace
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 6:39pm
I'm not sure it's even useful anymore. I've been through IC, he has always been resistent to see someone, now he wants to go...all I could commit to was seeing someone tomorrow...no further committment. I'm ready to go, have been for a while...I really feel like it's too broke to fix...and after numerous attempts to get him to really hear my cries, I have no tears left for him. I'm sad, but I'm ready to move on and start anew. I wish it was with less guilt. but whatever, I know it won't be easy, but these last few months have been so very difficult and i've made it through them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: lulapace
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 9:51am

I am sorry you are in such pain. I commend you for working on yourself through counseling. I guess I would suggest putting at least as much effort into your marriage and into honoring the person you married by working *with* him through counseling. You may come to the same conclusion to end it and with good reason, but at least your spouse has been part of a dialogue.

My stbx kept it all to himself, though he claims (and I have heard many others claim the same about their situations) that he told me how he was feeling, and in addition to all my feelings about the impending divorce is my feeling he kept and continues to keep secrets and he is putting himself waaaay ahead of everyone else affected by his decision (2 young children and me).

Gl.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
In reply to: lulapace
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 10:39am
Please, please give marriage therapy a chance. It can really help you see eachother in a different light, and make you see and appreciate things about your spouse that you forgot were ever there and that you really do love. It's so worth the try. If it doesn't work, it may at least bring you two to feel closer, therefore a more amicable departure from marriage.

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