STUCK
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STUCK
| Fri, 02-09-2007 - 4:09pm |
I am not divorcing but think about it all the time. The only reason I stay is because I have to young children, a small income, and a LOT of guilt. I too cheated and am still cheating with someone I am very much in love with. My husband knows I cheated (doesn't know I am still) and still wants to try. I am not in love with my husband although he is a wonderful father and a "good husband", etc. He is a fine man, I'm just not in love with him. He mostly just gets on my nerves, and we fight a lot. I have no desire for sex with him. I come to bed late and get up early to avoid his advances and subsequent pouting. I could deal with it if he would stop having expectations I can't meet - that is, feeling for him what he feels for me. I just don't! But is that a sufficient reason to break up a family and destroy my kids? Am I completely selfish? He really does not deserve at all to be going through what I'm putting him through, and he is understandably miserable. I have no idea whatsoever what I should do or how this situation will be resolved. Another thing is that I am terrified that if we got divorced, I would realize later that I had something great and that I did love him after all, but it will be too late and I'll be a lonely, late 30s, single mother and divorcee. On 2/18 we will have been married 9 years.

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I recommend counseling as well. My STBX went for a short 4 sessions and what we learned about was helpful. I really feel like if we had continued to go we would not be going through this divorce. I also think you should stop seeing you guy. It is not fair to pretend to try when you are still breaking your vows. I think that my stbx has had an affair but can not prove it. But if he did I would be much more likely to forgive him if he stopped, severed ties and went to counseling. I know how it is to be a single mom and it also scares me to death. I would have stayed with my husband forever, just to keep my babies from being from a "broken" home but I am the one being left. I know how the rejection that your husband must feel because it does hurt to be left and to be lied to. I am not trying to be preachy but I think you should figure out what is causing the feelings you are having. I know that I have had a lot of built up resentment for my H and that has driven a wedge between us that we can not move. I hope everything works out for you. Do what makes you happy and if that means moving on do so but dont keep dragging him down with you.
Mary
Thanks everyone for your honesty - but it's too late now. My husband accessed my email account and saw notice of replies to my post, read my post, and now rightfully hates my guts. I have done an incredible amount of damage to him, I have lied and lied, I have been completely centered on myself. I don't know what I've become. And I can't take any of it back.
Let this be a cautionary tale for anyone who thinks they may want to have an affair. If you have even the mildest attraction to someone other than your spouse, RUN LIKE HELL. Because it will get to a point where you can't walk away from that person. That's what happened to me. For more than 2 years I have been powerless over my feelings for this "other person," and now he wants none of it. I have destroyed my husband, my family, myself. And for what? For someone who used me and only cared up to the point where it threatened his status quo.
It's all over for me now.
I am sorry you are in such pain. I commend you for working on yourself through counseling. I guess I would suggest putting at least as much effort into your marriage and into honoring the person you married by working *with* him through counseling. You may come to the same conclusion to end it and with good reason, but at least your spouse has been part of a dialogue.
My stbx kept it all to himself, though he claims (and I have heard many others claim the same about their situations) that he told me how he was feeling, and in addition to all my feelings about the impending divorce is my feeling he kept and continues to keep secrets and he is putting himself waaaay ahead of everyone else affected by his decision (2 young children and me).
Gl.
M
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