Subtle manipulation

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Subtle manipulation
3
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 11:06am

Just venting....I'll try to summarize & appreciate simple validation & support

After 9 yrs of dealing w/his drinking & anger (many police calls made) he quit good paying job 2 start computer biz - instead drank @ bars daily & became p-t bartender. Finally had enough & filed for divorce 5 years ago.

P-t bartending is no way 2 support yourself/kids & but he pursues this lifestyle living in cheap places. Rarely sees/calls kids - 3xp/yr @ most & is 2 minutes away. I urge him 2 call bcuz kids miss him & are hurt he has no time for them. He babbles on how he loves his kids & wants to see them daily & I took that away from him - but still won't make time for them.

2 ys ago he moved 10 hrs away 2 live w/mom bcuz hes no place to live. Suddenly he wants kids 2 spend 1 summer month w/him yet still can't call on reg basis. Kids say they don't want 2 & wish he'd come here to visit them. When I tell him he gets angry - I prevent him from seeing kids, blah, blah, blah. No plans are made due to finances (neither of us can afford travel arrangements). He carries on calling 3xp/yr @ most - kids carry on feeling hurt.

Now, kids are 12 & 14 & ready 2 spend a week w/him. I'm all for it bcuz they miss him so & it's important to them - I even drive them 1/2 way to meet him. My daughter was extremely homesick, calling daily in tears & not eating due 2 nerves. I tried my best 2 coax her 2 make the most her time w/her dad but wanted to jump in car 2 pick her up. At one time when she told me in in tears how she wanted 2 come home but didn't want 2 hurt dad's feelings I hear him in the background say "2 late for that", making her feel worse. Ughhh! She managed to make it through the week - mostly by me talking to her for hours on end daily - we watched tv together over the phone nightly.

Anyway, kids are back & tell me some of dad's subtle manipulative comments like:

"kids can decide which parent they want to live with - if you like being with me you can come live with me instead." & "Your mother didn't want you to come here & spend time with me.".

Further, He & gradnma couldn't fathom dd's homesickness & made her feel uneasy with comments like "Next year we want you 2 come here for longer - maybe a month - we can't have you acting like this".

When dd suggested dad move back to spend time w/them, or travel back 2 our state for visits he said "I have 2 stay here to take care of grandma." Hello? What about taking care of your kids? FYI - grandma is able bodied & surrounded by caring family members - I think he chooses to stay there because it's a cheap place to live.

I'm outraged at his nerve? How dare he make such comments when he's never displayed an active role in their lives to begin with - even when we were together he'd rather be @ a bar than spend time with his kids. I've been the only parent here for all their lives. How dare he suggest that they can go live with him if "they want to see him"? He's the one who allowed himself to get into such a financial rut that the only option he had was to go back to mom's house 10 hours away from his kids.

The most fruestrating thing? I can't say anything to my ex about his comments. My kids don't want me to and I won't betray them. And also - my ex had a heart-attack 6 months ago and I wouldn't want to start a fight with him - he can't handle stress.

All I can do is vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 2:15pm
Hey, I just wanted to say I kinda know what you mean about not being able to talk to your ex about anything. It is frustrating isn't it? I just keep doing what I know is right. I figure, eventually those around me, kids, friends, whoever, will see by my actions versus his talk what the truth really is. It sounds like your kids see. It's sad for them to go through the pain, but at least they know the truth. They have at least one parent who does what they say, who really loves and takes care of them, not just says it. I just wanted to encourage you to keep on doing what you're doing. Keep on keeping on. Vent received. lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 10:58am

If he's in "that mode" saying anything to him would be pointless.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 3:42pm

I know of what you speak. The alcohol, the joblessness, the SELF PITY. If i hear ONE MORE TIME that i "took dd away from him" when he knows DAMN WELL he can have her ANY day of the week, in addition to his ordered visitation, which he uses MAYBE 20% of, I will vomit.


You, umfortuanlty, can do nothing but support your kids & let them vent to you & be sure they know who the safe, sane, there for them parent is.


(((hugs)))

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