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| Tue, 10-31-2006 - 7:09pm |
For the last 10 months I have been trying to swallow anger, frustration and resentment with my STBX's gf. My ex has allowed her to be right in the middle of things, almost as a third parent. I have asked him to have her back off but he refuses. Until last Friday it was to the point where she refused to speak to me, but had the nerve to walk up my front door with my ex to pick up or drop off the kids. She'd just refuse to acknowledge my existence. This was annoying to no end. Wouldn't a rational person just wait in the damn car if she felt so strongly about avoiding me?
Well...last Friday I made a huge mistake, but the results have turned out rather well. I went to drop my daughter off at her dad's and asked his gf if I could speak to her for a minute. She mumbled okay, and then came outside and stood in front of me with her arms folded across her chest and a stern look on her face. I had wanted to try to clear the air, but I knew as soon as I saw her face that this was not going to work. I tried to talk to her, and she informed me that my ex had told her that I said she wasn't "allowed" to talk to me. There was more, and we even brought him out to clear it up and he admitted I hadn't exactly said that. He went back inside, and she and I continued to talk, but it went from bad to worse. It was just a fight. She assaulted my character, told me I was crazy and a liar, and blah blah blah. The fight ended with her saying I tried to control what she wore in front of my kids. (I haven't, but have stated I think she dresses like a skank and am horrified my ex has my kids around her) I said "Pff, no I haven't. It's a lost cause since we all know you can't keep your tits to yourself." (I know, HORRIBLE! but true...) She said "Are you saying this because you're unattractive?" I responded with "That's funny, I have had several people tell me you look like a man."
Although I'm not proud of saying what I did, I am happy with the results. On Sunday when they dropped the kids off, she said a quick goodbye to the kids AT THE CAR and got back inside. Monday she did the same. This is what I wanted all along. I'm so happy she's backed the hell off of me.

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Congratulations on your victory in this department. I imagine it makes everything feel much easier. I can relate... my xh used to think it was appropriate to visit with Joey in my house, whenever he wanted... but his being here felt like such an invasion. Now that he's out of state it isn't as much of an issue, but I can relate, just in the my space your space thing... it can really make a difference!
Julie
good for you. i don't think its a "mistake" really - you had something that you wanted/needed to say to her, you did your best to do so in a 'normal' way, it didn't work, so you tried something a little more.... shall we say... creative.
sometimes just letting go and letting the other side KNOW that THIS is the boundary and they may NOT cross it, is just SO empowering. (yes, of course, there are more mature ways of doing it than saying "we all know you can't keep your tits to yourself" but.... whatever!)
gwen227,
You rock!!! I laughed out loud when I read your story (and I can use all the laughs I can get these days). Good for you for standing up for yourself! I am glad the she has backed off - I hope it sticks. She'll probably be out of the picture one of these days anyway. Thanks for sharing!
Rebecca
I kept making the mistake of trying to smooth things over. Trying to "be friends" or something when really what I wanted was to tell her how skanky she is and to stay the hell away from my kids. That if their father has lost his mind, then fine, but the kids shouldn't pay the price for it.
While I can't do anything about her being around my kids, and do wish this could have happened in a better way, I honestly think this was it. She was clueless about boundaries, doing things like standing right next to STBX when I needed to discuss something private with him, not getting that SHE has nothing to do with it and needed to back off. The few times I told her I needed to speak with STBX alone, she'd walk away pissy, and not make a habit out of walking away out of courtesy the next time.
Now she thinks I'm horrible for saying what I did, but I will have some peace and at this point I could care less about her feelings. God knows she's shown me little consideration.
I feel your pain. It just makes me sick that my X shoves his skanky GF (who was the OW contributing factor in our divorce) into our kids lives. She's someone I would not have trusted to care for my dog, much less my kids- even before I knew about their affair. Although she tried to involve herself in our custody arrangements, I never gave an inch. It helps that our sons have made it clear to her that they don't like her. It is actually written in the decree that she cannot provide transportation for our sons. She now avoids all contact with me- thank God!- but it still tears my heart out that I can't protect my daughter from her influence. I don't want to know how I'd react if she started showing up at my door. As it is now, if she is in the car when he picks up the kids, he parks so I can't see her- not out of any kind of courtesy, he still has some need to feel he's getting away with something! Obviously, since your X is aware how you feel about this person, he is getting his own jollies at torturing you through her. Really try to not react at all to her, ignore her as much as she ignores you. Let her become a total complaining b**ch to him about the situation, and he'll have to try to keep you two apart for his own peaceful existance.
Now, I also have the shoe on the other foot in that my BF's X has totally freaked that I exist in his life. We have never met, I plan to keep it that way as long as possible. My BF & I don't involve ourselves too much w/one another's kids, and I never make demands about his custody schedule. She strikes me as someone who is very controlling, yet very insecure. She can have all the space she wants, I don't need additional drama in my life. At least I know that the few acquaintences we have in common will say I am a very responsible and nice person; hopefully, that will give her some peace of mind eventually.
Best of luck to you, and have strength, she isn't worth getting upset about.
Tee he he... and the funniest part of it all is that you brought EX out to confirm to her that HE LIED TO HER---LOL!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I'm trying not to do what your gf's ex is doing. I honestly do not care that he has a gf. I have also gotten used to the kids being around her and do not in any way try to stop it. They live together so it'd be impossible anyway. I just want my ex or her to realize how inappropriate it is to have her included in all things regarding the kids. When I asked my ex to please not bring her to class meeting night, so that both of us could peacefully be there, he refused. He said that she is is girlfriend and is important to him. I said she's not their parent. It went from there, with the end result being the two of them showing up and making a spectacle of themselves. They even walked out the front door of the school with her hand on his butt.
I may be slow at letting go, but I do realize he won't change and she would never drop her "status" with him and butt out. What I have done this week in the effort to save my sanity is conatct the teacher with whom we have to do a parent teacher conference with to see what we can do to head off any situation at the meeting. She said she'd check to see if non-parents are allowed and if they are she'd just schedule two meetings.
I know! It's ridiculous. The man has a bad habit of retelling things in a skewed manor which is why I said bring him on out, sister! What had happened is that I had previously told him I was sick of always talking to her about the kids and how he and I need to deal with their issues, not her and I.
The moron took this convo and told her I said she was "not allowed to talk to me" and that she was "not allowed to answer the door AT THEIR HOUSE when I came to pick up or drop off the kids". Umm, okay...that doesn't even make sense. I yelled at him right in front of her that I did not say that. He responded with I "implied" that.
What a moron. Seriously.
But I like how she had to still rip me apart, dredging up things that happened at the beginning of the year. One of the highlights is how she was still angry I had waaaay back said she couldn't come in my house. Nevermind this was back when my ex hadn't even moved out and I was angry he was having a new gf stop by when I was at work and his sorry unemployed butt was at home. We smoothed this over about 5 months ago. I have no idea how she can't see where what they did was inappropriate at that time.
ROFLOBO! <------- That is just too funny, Karen. You are a silly silly woman. :-)
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