Such a mess!

Avatar for rainbowbrite_14
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Such a mess!
12
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 4:57pm
I have been lurking everyday but, haven't had much to contribute so I've been quiet for the last couple of months. I feel a little guilty just showing up for advice but, here I go anyway! Long story short (hopefully!) I was the one who asked stbx to move out a year ago and he did. He immediatly started seeing a girl "friend" of his and it really bothered me but, I had been there done that before and didn't take the bait. He knows that I am a jealous person and have taken him back before when he started dating someone else. Then she moved out of state and guess who comes knocking on my door again. A month later he needs a place to live because he is evicted and threatens to move out of state with her so I let him move in. I kept things distant but, a few times we did have sex. The whole time he was on the phone with her and even went to visit her but, kept telling me they were just friends, whatever. I did kind of believe him but, the reason we separated is because he is a big fat liar! So, I really didn't know what to think or feel. He lived with me for 2 months and then announced that he found a roomate to move in with and he moved out. I had a breakdown before the day before he moved out and told him it made me sad for him to leave again but, I thought it would be good for me to see him act independent for a change. We talked a lot and he told me he still loved me and only me and that he wanted us to get back together. I agreed but, told him I still needed time and needed to see him support himself. So, he moved out the next day. Things seemed a little wierd to me when he moved out and I found out through some detective work that his "friend" had moved back and he moved in with her. I even confronted him in her apartment and he still denied it. Finally, after our fight came to blows he did admit it but, said it wasn't a romantic relationship. OK this is getting long, sorry!! Anyway, after 2 months of craziness he moved out of her house and back in with me and back into marriage. The jealousy, and betrayal had such an opposite affect on me and made me so vunerable I could barely keep myself from being fired from work. We've been back together for 2 1/2 months and the first month was good but the rest has been business as usual. I'm miserable. Not to mention he has not stopped talking to the "friend" after I asked him to. He owes her money and she is p*ssed about him lying to her too so she's become somewhat of a stalker. Before you say anything I am in therapy, EVERY week, lol! I am going to ask him to leave soon but, I feel so freaking guilty for my son. I can't believe I'm going to do this to him again. Am I the worst mother in the world? I just can't believe I was so emotional and stupid. Why did I think I could be with someone who has treated me so crappy for the last year. I guess I just was looking to vent. I don't know if anyone else has been through this before. I just feel so stupid that I am going to have to go through another year of turmoil. Thanks for making it this far!
Jessica
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Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 5:05pm

I'm sending lots of hugs your way... its seems like you've been through the ringer these past several months... while your stbx is having his cake and eating it too... falling back on you when he needs to, etc...

I'm glad to hear you're in therapy... it can really help. As for your son, while I understand why you feel guilty, as I was there at one point... feeling guilty about the divorce even though I wasn't the one who wanted it (at first)... But he will do better with you happy as a single mom, than he will with you as a miserable married mom... I want to ask you if this is the model that you want your son to see as far as how he should treat women when he's older? I would think not...

It's never easy... and we're here for you... Keep posting and let us know how you're doing!

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 8:49pm

Hey Jessica.... you


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 1:21am

I am glad you decided to speak up, it always feels better to vent and get feedback. You should not feel guilty for the fact that you made many attempts to make things right for your family, that is very noble and you should be proud to know that you gave it your all.

But now it's ok do what is right for you and for your son. Let your husband go and figure out what he needs for his life, but begin to make a life for yourself, and be happy. If you choose to go forward with seperating then be glad that you are strong enough to make a positive decision for your family.

Good luck we will all be thinking of you. And don't lurk, you will feel better the more you talk to people going through the same as you.

Many many hugs to you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 12:46pm
well jessica, having been thru two very volatile and abusive relationships, i totally understand your feelings of guilt...but you should look at this as a learning part of your life...you should learn that you are a very stong woman and can handle just about anything that life can throw your way, if you can survive a short life with someone who's clearly emotionally and psycologically messed up..as long as you allow him to treat you and your child in such a cold and degrading way, he will continue to do so...my advice to you would be to move on, get a restraining order, because you will clearly need one, once he realizes you are done with him...protect yourself and your child...do not allow him to dictate your emotions....the fact that he has treated you and this other woman both as slaves to his desires only shows how immature, childish, and selfish he will always be...get a court order for child support and enforce it by any means necessary...if you are married, file for divorce....if you are not married to him, let the anger and disappointment go and move on....don't allow someone to treat you like you are nothing...you are a very important and vital part of life....and no one should ever treat you like this man has treated several women...i'm sure he has a long history of this kind of behavior if you knew the truth...and learn how to recognize behaviors like this in other relationships...and learn what you can do to make yourself happy and more important what you can do to make the life of your children happy....and for god's sake, do not ever get into another relationship where you clearly do not know the man well enough...and when he treats you like this...for god's sake do not allow him to live with you and your children...because you are enabling him to treat you in such a disgraceful manner...anyway, i wish you the best of luck and i hope that everything goes better for you
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 12:48pm
Hey... don't think I've seen ya around here before.... Welcome to the board!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for rainbowbrite_14
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 2:29pm

Will you marry me, lol! I think I'm going to print this and tape it to my computer. That is exactly what I needed hear. Thank you!

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Avatar for rainbowbrite_14
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 2:30pm
Thank you I needed a hug!
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 3:04pm

Tape it to the bathroom mirror and the refrigerator, too!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 10:34pm

Don't forget your computer monitor too... I've got one of my favorite quotes taped to mine... even at work... when I was first separated, I cried so much at work, it was truly pathetic... my managers weren't sure if I would make it through... but like you, Karen, I just had to give it all until I was certain about what needed to be done, so there would be no questions, but only peace regarding the decision...

And the words that are taped to my monitor...

No man is worth tears and the ONE who is would never make you cry.

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 8:09am

Jessica, HUGS!!! You are NOT the worst mother in the world. I went through a similar situation for YEARS with my STBX. We separated over three years ago, living in different households, and then filed for divorce. We ended up reconciling, it didn't work, and here we are again....but DEFINITELY getting a divorce this time. My poor 11 year old son!

In the end, YOU KNOW you gave your marriage every possible chance. There's nothing wrong with that. You are now doing the right thing by leaving this marriage. Yes, it will be painful for your child, but that is better that having an unhappy, mistreated parent.

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