In such shock and sadness~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2006
In such shock and sadness~
7
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 5:08pm
Hello,
As I sit here I am in complete shock that my husband and I are getting a divorce (did I really write that!) The very short of it is, we have been married for almost 9 years...tried to have children for 4+ of those years, did every fertility treatment/surgery under the sun, lost our beloved twins at 19+ weeks preterm after our 1st IVF, amazingly had our miracle son 2nd IVF (now 4) and another m/c and then amazingly our miracle daughter 3rd IVF (now 2)... so after all that, we were in an up-swing or so I thought...apparently NOT, in August he said that we need counseling (both big believers in it) b/c he has been unhappy for so long and I make him uncomfortable & anxious, that I took him for granted and always put him last...fast forward to now, after 2 therapists trying to work it out, me trying everything in my power to change & make it better, him actually moving into an apt. more than 3 months ago (he saw the kids almost everyday), meds for him (depression history) and now he says with 100% clarity, that he wants a divorce. He said he doesn't love me, I make him completely uncomfortable, he can't talk to me, and he feels so anxious around me. I literally tried everything in my power to stop it... said & did everything I could but it just wasn't enough. We tried for so long to have a family and now ironically enough, he is leaving it! He says that his whole life is the kids (which I truly believe) b/c he is a great father. Everyone, including me , all family & friends are in complete disbelief! Everyone thought we were the perfect family! It's as if he's a different person altogether, someone I don't know at all! It scares me so much to think that your life can change so drastically without having any control over it! I can't imagine what tomorrow will bring if today I already feel as if I am drowning, only able to keep afloat b/c of my kids! I can't imagine having to tell the kids...my son only thinks that he is at work very early b/c he puts him to bed most nights and normally leaves very early for work anyway and doesn't see them in the am. Since I truly thought the seperation was just a temporary thing (as did the therapist) that's the way it worked out best without hurting my 4 year old(my biggest fear). And now he will be completely devestated...his whole life is mommy & daddy & sister. For me, just the thought of never going on a family outing to the mall, the beach, the park or anywhere, makes me feel so sick to my stomach and so very sad. I feel deceived and lied to b/c my husband promised to never lever leave me and up until this summer, I thought he was as happy as I was...how wrong I was! So here I am with a husband who wants a divorce although I do not, with our two babies that we fought so hard to have, knowing the fact that I still love the man I thought was my husband for 9 years and having such a horrible feeling that life as I knew it will never be the same and I will have to struggle everyday from this moment on with sadness, pain and loss. And the most important things, my kids....having to devestate them with this for the rest of their lives...kills me inside! I know that I have taken him for granted in so many ways and for so long, but it was just the way the cards played out...he is very passive and non-confrontational, while I am demanding and a go getter. Hence, the way we both became even more after all the fertility issues and losses. I became the one in charge and he the took the other role. So, now I sit here thinking back to all I could have done to not be where I am today and yet I had very little to go on that he was so unbelievably miserable. I guess all of the signs I chose to ignore and I just went with the positives...and there were plenty. I have dozens of recent cards saying that these are the best years of his life and how I am his true soul mate & best friend. Can I be that clueless? I have to now think about if we can still afford to live in our house and a million of the unknowns...not too mention, that I love him more than anything in the world! This is truly my biggest fears coming true! And so often I am thinking about him meeting someone someone and how truly sick it will make me feel and how I won't be able to deal with that at all! Not too mention that we have to live parallel lives at all the kids birthdays/activities/school events etc. How can I do that when I still love him so? I truly thought that the worst was behind us, how wrong I was! Sorry that this is all over the place, I can't seem to focus and everything just spills out.
Thank you so much to anyone who reads this and I wish you all a peaceful journey ahead~
JNSMOM
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 6:29pm
JNSMOM, Hello, I am glad you found us. I was in much the same place a year ago when my husband of nearly 15year came home and told me to get out he had filed for divorce and had papers evicting me from my home and taking my children. I was in such shock. Unlike you, I had no clue. We hadn't done counseling. I didn't know we needed it. I didn't know he was unhappy. I am here to tell you, you are going to live through this. Take it day by day, minute by minute if that's all you can handle. Also start taking care of yourself. A year ago i thought I would die. Guess what, I didn't. I am not great (yet), but I am definitely better. I still love my ex even more than the day I married him. I still wish, dream, and pray he will change his mind and come home. It will be hard on your children, but they too will adjust. Mine seem to be doing it at a slower pace than I, but they are adjusting. I wish they had never had to go through this, but I have no control over this. If I have learned anything in the last year it is that It takes two people to marry, but only one to divorce. I do not know if you have faith or not, but God has really taken care of me in the last year. All of my needs have been met. I thank him everyday. Pray to him. It will help. Give him the control that you feel you have lost and let him steer. I have a 50/50 custody arrangement with my ex. I see him nearly everday. We are basically parenting the same only out of two homes. It is possible. I do everything I can to make this as painless as possible for my children. We have celebrated nearly every holiday together. I will continue to do this forever. Someday I assume it will be he and another wife who will sit at my table for Thanksgiving dinner. It's not easy. It breaks my heart, but better mine than my childrens'.
Come and join us again. There are many lovely people here with lots of good advice. I wouldn't have made it without them. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 9:02pm

I want to start by sending lots of hugs your way... it sounds like you've been through a lot, with everything you've gone through in your marriage, with the ivf and the miscarriages... I am so sorry that you're having to go through all of this...

I know what you mean about ignoring signs and believing all was all right and then one day being in total shock... I was right there with you in a lot of ways a couple of years ago...

I would start preparing... make copies of financial records... talk to some attorneys to try to find one you're comfortable with... talk to your doctor if you're having issues eating or sleeping or having a lot of anxiety... sometimes medication can be a blessing in times like these...

Take care of yourself and your precious little ones... focus on them... when my xh announced he wanted a divorce, I threw myself into my son... forcing myself to find one thing each day that he did to focus on that would make me smile regardless of what else I was going through... children are miracles (as you well know)... bask in their love...

In addition, know that you'll be feeling a lot of different things, sometimes all at the same time... journaling can be a great way to get things out when you need to... and it can also help you remember some things you need to do sometimes when it feels as if your world is breaking apart...

You'll get through this... just take it one day at a time... Keep us posted!

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 7:13am

JNSMOM, welcome! I know you're in a tremendous amount of pain right now, and that is to be expected. The best thing you can do right now is take care of your needs. By doing that, you'll have more energy and resources to care for your children. Make sure you get enough rest, eat well, take time out for relaxation and exercise...etc.


And remember, it is never all one person's fault that a divorce is happening. Try to be kind to yourself. And take the steps you need in order to protect yourself

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 10:22am
You have made a tremendous start, right here! You expressed yourself, and the pain you are feeling, from your heart. Hold on to this posting, and reread it in one year...you will surprise yourself. A book I recommend is The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. My husband of 37 years left six weeks ago, after handing me a proposed financial settlement. He too was 'not happy' with me or the marriage. The shock lasts several weeks, but the pain lasts longer. Stay in the present, as the past cannot be brought back and the future is too scary. Take it one hour, one minute at a time if necessary. But, you have to keep saying, this kind of pain cannot last forever. A terrific support group can be found at www.divorcecare.org, and you can find a group near you in most metropolitan cities. You will not die from this, and you can come out of it a stronger, wiser person more in tune with other people and with yourself. Also, take care of yourself physically. Get meds for sleep and for depression, drink water, and eat protein even when you are not hungry. If you don't you will get lightheaded, and dizzy. When trying to plan for your financial future, attempt to take off your emotion hat, and put on your business hat. You have to focus. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to see him each day, but you are being brave and kind to put your children first. Our children are grown, obviously, and I will have to deal with him when we share grandparenting as we have 3 under 3, and we are both attached to them. Each person's story is different, but the pain is similar. Good luck, and as I have said, you have made a great start. You can do this, for your kids....you can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you react. Do not idealize the leaver; it sounds as though you were the glue, and will be again at another time. Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 8:40pm
Oh my god. I feel like I stabbed myself reading your post....as it could have been the one I just wrote. I don't know what to say except that I feel every bit of the pain in your post and I know exactly what you are feeling....
I hope you are still here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 4:53am

Telling a 4 yr old ... Its so hard. I had to do it, 4 days b4 my dd's 5th bday. I *can* tell you that my dd is an only child & we too, her FAMILY, was very important to her & she is very very close to her Dad. she was devestated. but she did FINE. EVERYONE said "kids are resiliant" .... & they were right.


I talked a LOT to therapists about how to tell her & what to say. My situation was different as there was abuse involved - but this happend last year, Feb 2005, appx Feb 3rd or 4th. You may want to go back in the archives & read abou it .... my name may have been Rebecca911 at the time, or the Rlch that it is now. Maybe some of the things i learned back them, will help you.


I am so sorry for you pain - but you will, & your kids will, get thru it. Promise!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 10:06am

It's nice to hear you say that..... and believe it because you've seen it happen.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~