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this sucks. new here.
| Wed, 08-08-2007 - 3:36pm |
Hi,
I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Been married 6 years. Started having major issues 6 months in. Almost left in year 2. H agreed to counseling and we did that for 2 more years. Things were great during therapy and for 6 months afterward. Then terrible again. Told H I was ready to leave. We talked it out. 6 months later back in the same place. Except now we are both looking outside the marriage for things. Not cheating really, but both have friends that are a little bit more than friends I guess. I told H 2 weeks ago that I didn't think it was working and that we needed to call it what it was and move on. Since then he's been busting his a$$ to make me happy. Make me dinner, go to restaurants I love, movies I want to see, the other day he even suggested we go buy curtains for the bedroom for crying out loud. I don't believe its going to stay like this - its unnatural and thus impossible. I'm telling him tonight that its not working for me. I'm just sick about it. He loves me, we are just not compatible. Prior to all the "making me happy" stuff, all he did was sit in the basement and play video games. I really mean that is ALL he did. We ate seperately, barely spoke, we never could do anything with other couples bc he didn't want to, etc. etc.
Anyways, I've already made the decision, but don't really know exactly what the next steps are. I figure after tonight one of us will move into the spare bedroom. Neither of us can really afford the house on our own so I guess we'll be "room mates" until it sells. I figure I'll have alot of questions moving forward so wanted to come here and intro myself.
Thanks for reading.
C
I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Been married 6 years. Started having major issues 6 months in. Almost left in year 2. H agreed to counseling and we did that for 2 more years. Things were great during therapy and for 6 months afterward. Then terrible again. Told H I was ready to leave. We talked it out. 6 months later back in the same place. Except now we are both looking outside the marriage for things. Not cheating really, but both have friends that are a little bit more than friends I guess. I told H 2 weeks ago that I didn't think it was working and that we needed to call it what it was and move on. Since then he's been busting his a$$ to make me happy. Make me dinner, go to restaurants I love, movies I want to see, the other day he even suggested we go buy curtains for the bedroom for crying out loud. I don't believe its going to stay like this - its unnatural and thus impossible. I'm telling him tonight that its not working for me. I'm just sick about it. He loves me, we are just not compatible. Prior to all the "making me happy" stuff, all he did was sit in the basement and play video games. I really mean that is ALL he did. We ate seperately, barely spoke, we never could do anything with other couples bc he didn't want to, etc. etc.
Anyways, I've already made the decision, but don't really know exactly what the next steps are. I figure after tonight one of us will move into the spare bedroom. Neither of us can really afford the house on our own so I guess we'll be "room mates" until it sells. I figure I'll have alot of questions moving forward so wanted to come here and intro myself.
Thanks for reading.
C

Welcome. You'll find plenty of company here, in all stages of this process. I left my h 5 mos. ago, after 30 years and one son, 15 yrs. old. He's controlling, manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive, and drinks too much, I had to get out. My son stayed with him, he was too mad at me to go with me and also too manipulated by his dad. That's the only thing that's been hard, is not seeing him as much, and knowing that he's in pain because of this. But I don't regret it for a minute, and know it was best for me and for him in the long run. I take it fromyour post that you don't have kids, and that should make it a bit less painful than if you did. I don't know if that came out right, it's just that hard as it is to hurt your h, its 100 times worse to think you've hurt your kids.
That being said, everyones situation is different, and they are all painful. So take it one day at a time and try to plan for the future, figuring out what you want to take with you, where you will go, get your support system in place. Good luck, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Hi Fashen2007:
I'm new here too, & my circumstances are so similar to yours, except my husband would never, ever go to counseling. He's way too "private" for that.....way too secretive. He has led his own life for way too long.....bowling, darts, NASCAR, golf, poker, etc.... Oh, & don't let me forget: Playstation, & computer games. I've been an after thought for at least 2 yrs. I finally left him on: 7-8-07, after a hellish week of being treated like I didn't exist. It was very, very hard, & he was absolutely stunned. It took all of 11 days for me to find another woman in my house. There had been signs of a possible affair, but I guess I just tried to ignor it....stupid me.
I have been so devastated that I didn't think I would live thru this, but it's been 30 days now & I'm doing OK. I'm back in my house & he's now living in a 1 BR apt w/our black Lab. I guess I thought my leaving would be a wake-up call for him, but not so. All I did was open the door & give him a reason to end our marriage.
I have a great therapist who is really helping me. I wouldn't suggest the "roommate" living arrangement, if you can do anything else. I had suggested that, & he balked at it immediately. We will have to sell our house & I so hate that, but not until I say so. Let him struggle trying to keep-up 2 households. There's no way he can do this. But, that was his decision. He already knows he made a huge mistake, even admitted it to me. It's his loss.
I know this is so hard for you. I agonized over it, but now, I'm glad I left. Now, I can get on with "my" life & eventually find someone who will appreciate me for the really good person that I am. I know you will get to this place too. It will just take sometime.
You hang-in there.
Aleta
Aleta,
Thanks for the reply. I know that the room mate situation isn't the best, but I don't see any other options for us. You say that you are now living in your house and your H has to support 2 households... Why does he "have" to? Is it because both your names are on the mortgage? I guess that would make sense. We only bought our house 2 years ago, so I'm not sure how all of that works...
Anyway, thank you again for the welcome. Good to have a place to vent full of people in similar situations.
Take Care,
C
Hi Fashen:
Both our names are on the mortgage, so like it or not, he will be paying 1/2 the mortgage payment, or it will damage his credit. He's already seeing how this is going to suck for him financially, but he told me on Monday, that he got himself into this mess, & he certainly did. I'll decide when we sell this house, not him. I secretly hope it buries him in debt...he deserves whatever he gets. If I play the adultery card, possibly, I can get ALL the proceeds from the sale of the house. I wish I could keep it, but the mortgage is too much for me to carry alone. I've been really upset about this aspect of the impending divorce, but I know what has to be done. I just never thought I would in this position. Luckily, we do not have small children. I have a 22 yr old son in his senior year of college, getting a double major. At least that's one good thing in my life. I also have great friends and wonderful family, so I've had a tremendous amount of support. My H on the other hand, has only one real ally...his sister. His parents are even on my side....what a shocker there.
You're so recent into this & have many things to sort thru, but just remember to take your time & do one thing at a time. Once your living arrangement is set, try not to make any other major decisions in the next 30 days. I had an amazing amount of crap dumped-on me in less than 2 weeks & I almost cracked-up. So, go slow. These are the biggest decisions you will ever make in your life.
Feel free to e-mail whenever you want. I don't mind listening.
Aleta
Fashen
Your marriage is still so young. Personally if I could go back to 6 years and know what I know now. I'd talk more. I'd listen more. I'd give his few little changes a chance to see if any of them are actually going to stick.
I didn't have time to read all the messages, as I am at work, but your first message tells me you still might make it.
Just a thought.
find a good therapist - and learn how to listen and talk to each other!! Not just you learning, but both of you learning and growing together - at the same time.
good luck!!!
Suzi
We did marriage counseling for 2 full years and things still deteriorated within months of stopping therapy. I have been in this same position 3 times in our 6 year marriage. Both previous times I believed he could change I gave him a second chance and then a third chance. Something inside of me won't let me do it again. I feel like its this cycle that I can't stop because I can't force him to really change, only to appease me for a few months. I don't want to wake up 6 years from now and find myself in the same cycle, only perhaps then with small children. I really wish I could trust him this time that his changes are going to stick - it would be so much easier to live happily ever after. I just don't think I can do it again.
C
fashen,
Certainly only you can know that. I understand completely, but my first reaction is to try. I tried for many years, and am now, at 40 yrs with 3 kids (17, 18, 20) getting a separatino. It is very hard, but I too do not trust the changes that my H has been showing. He has done this before, and unfortunately I don't have enough faith in him that he really has grown to the degree he wants me to believe.
We are going to work on the financial part of the separation and the separation papers this Sunday. It is a bit scary - I think because I know I want this, but in the same token, it is such a hard thing to do.
I wish you the best of luck, keep us posted.
S
I understand how you feel, I have been there to for 13years with mine. But my problem was all he wanted to do was hang out with his friends and drink, not including me in any of his plans, he was the eternal teenager. Quitting his job, without thinking and always just expecting me to pick up the slack. We have 4 children, 2 are his, 2 from a previous marriage ( you would think, I would have learned the first time), anyway, never helping out with them, but yet I tried. We would get into fights, I would throw him out, then he would come back begging, he said he wanted us to work. Well for 3months, usually he would, he would cook supper, come home, we would do things together as a couple, but then just like overnight, he would go to his friends house, no call, and just not come home, til the next day with some lame excuse. I tried the living in the same house as room-mates with him, because I needed help with the bills, but I started hating him. He treated me like a room-mate coming and going as he pleased, eating the food I bought, expecting me to pickup his laundry, and ignoring me like I didn't exist, til one day, he just left and didn't return for 3months. Stated the stress was killing him. The communication was no longer there, and trust was gone. We tried to get counseling, but the fact is, I just don't see him ever growing up. I had never cheated or went out on the marriage, ? him, too many times he hadn't come home.
My advice is if you want this to work, and he really wants it to, and you know in your heart this is the man you want to be with still in say 5 years, then try to become friends again, tell him to do activities with you, get rid of the video games, unless your playing also, and go from there. He is trying it sounds like, maybe he just needs to be kept on the right track. The fact that the man offers to buy you curtains, says alot.
Hang in there, and give your decision alot of thought.