Sunk down to her level......
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| Thu, 04-28-2005 - 1:00pm |
Hi guys,
I did something bad. Call it out of anger or whatever......
I found out that OW had some pretty nasty things posted on her site about me from back in March. Basically I am "scum" among other things to her and her cronies. It got me mad. I thought, honestly, WHAT does she know? She knows nothing about me. Anyway....
I finally stood up for myself. Although I did it the wrong way. I posted a "picture" of the 2 of them on my blogsite that OW sent me while I was pregnant with my daughter, back when H first left. I posted it online with a description stating that it was what infidelity looked like, blah blah blah. The picture had the 2 of them nude in it.
I am a HUGE advocate of getting over things and moving on and I know that everything happens for a reason. I also know that she is nothing and has no bearing on my life whatsoever, anymore. So WHY do I get SO MAD when I hear about her publicly posting "names" and judgements on me? Better yet, WHY is XH allowing her to insult the mother of his children like that?
I will admit that my XH was married when I met him. I didn't pretend to know his situation with his XW nor did I name call and make her life hell. He asked me to stay out of it, so I did! I was 21 at the time, young, but I still had enough sense to stay out of it. I let him handle things, she even called the house a few times and I was pleasant to her. WHY does this girl have SUCH a problem being civil? I was the same age as her when my X and I got together.
Anyway, I sunk to her level. I am mad and I feel like my son is old enough to read. Who's to say he won't get online and check out her website and read how mommy is a scum ( among other things ) Why can't this girl see that? ( not that what I did was any better )
So confused and so tired ladies.
Hugs,
Angelena


Can you take the pic down from your blog? If so, that would make it more of a momentary lapse to 'her level'.
Like you said to me once, OW always holds some kind of special power over you (or something to that effect). It feels like your husband chose her over you, that she's somehow "better" than you or has something you don't have. She makes you feel that you're somehow lacking. (Even though you know that's crap, sometimes those negative thoughts get through). So to hear that she's badmouthed you is especially upsetting because it reinforces the feeling that something's wrong with you, and also it ticks you off because after all she's done, she's got the nerve to be calling you names.
As for OW, it seems as though she may not be particularly mature for her age and possibly also a little mean-spirited. Also, she may feel threatened by you because you were pregnant when you split with your ex and she may have feared that he would go back to you, and she still has that little spark of fear left. Or it could be something else entirely. My point is, you'll probably never understand where she's coming from or why she acts the way she does. You can only control how you act toward her. We all have moments where we're not exactly proud of how we handled things, but if you learn from them and act differently in the future, you can be proud of that.
As for your son, if he's being raised by a mom as level-headed as you seem to be in general, I don't think he'll be affected if he were to read something like that she's written about you. If anything, I would think it would backfire on her, because most kids do not like someone saying something bad about their mom.
angelena - i am going to be blunt here (hope you don't mind). i know this is difficult for you , and i know its wrong of her, and i know its not fair ------ i know all of that, and i am still telling you tht YOU need to get a grip here and YOU need to just CUT HER OUT Of your life. now. forever. *SHE* is nothing to you - and you gotta stop letting her CONTROL YOUR LIFE this way. its just BAD! it doesn't really matter what happened in the past - it doesn't really matter any more HOW she got to be with your ex - but the fact of the matter is that she is HIS CHOICE and there isn't anything you can do about it. getting even, taking revenge, whatever - is not going to change things. in fact, it might make things worse (i am thinking that she COULD sue you for putting up nude pics of her?).
i know that you are very big on "moving on" but for some reason YOU are not able to do so. might be a good idea to discuss this with a therapist.
you KNOW that the people who love you could care less what some skank writes about you on her website. so just forget it. move on. live YOUR life.
if you can remove the pics - then just do it.
hang in there honey. things will get better.
I know you guys are right and I did take it down. I guess I was mad at myself for letting it stick up there for 2 days now. I let her get to me, again.
She is cut out of my life for the most part, except when I call XH and she yells at me or she posts things about me that I hear about ( haven't seen for my own eyes ) It's an out of sight out of mind sort of thing.
Sometimes we all need a reality check..... I guess this was the first one I have had in a long time.
I've also been up since 3am today and up at 4am yesterday and Im not sure about the day before that. It makes for a long day when it becomes multiple days in a row, when I am tired, things get to me more than when I am level headed.
Thanks for the reality check..... I know what I did was wrong and exactly what I DONT want to be. Being like her just made me feel worse.
Hugs,
Angelena
Hey there
I am proud of you for taking them down...don't blame you a bit for putting them up. What a disgusting person she is and you don't deserve to be talked about that way. I am sorry that you are having to go through this, I am sorry she sent those pics to you when you were pregnant...i can't imagine, i think i would lose my mind. you are a beautiful, caring, sweet person. i know that i have said things to my stbx since this started that I wish i hadn't said and would like to take back. but sometimes, especially when you're tired, it is just too much. if you ever feel that way again, shoot me an email before you do something or say something you know you're not going to like yourself for later. i know i've done that to you...and it helps me to get it off my chest. i dont feel like i'm going to pop if i dont do somethng to make him/OW feel as bad as they have made me feel.
my mantra lately: i can't control what he/she does, i can only control the kind of mom and the kind of person i am.
and you know you are a damned good mom and a damned good person. they can't take that away from you.
hang in there and hugs
bridget
DS might be old enough to read... but he's also old enough to see, first hand, just what kind of person that you are... and the kind of person that she is.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
How sweet are you! Thank you for all you said. It means
its ok to make a mistake - as long as we learn from it and try to mend our ways.
so here goes:
1. you know that when you get tired and cranky you might say and/or do things that are wrong, out of character, stupid. so - take care of YOU. try (i know its hard) but try to get enuf rest. if you are up all night - you may be doing something "wrong" during the day (too much caffiene, wrong foods, too much carbs, not enuf carbs, too little exercise, excerise at the wrong time of day, etc). so figure out what you need to fix in your own life - and fix it. i can tell you that ever since i have been exercisign regularly - i sleep like a baby. so do what it takes - meditate, get one of those self-help tapes - whatever, but make sure you get a good night's sleep EVERY NIGHT.
2. YOU should have NO contact with the OW at this point (maybe, someday down the line there will be room for creating a co-parenting team but its not going to happen now). so - just don't talk to her. if she pick up the phone - you hang up. if she yells at you - you hang up. if she calls you - let the machine take the messages. don't even bother discussing this with your ex - again, as soon as you start entering into discussion - things turn into ugly arguments so just don't bite the bullet.
3. if she is posting lies about you on the net - you might want to contact a lawyer about a libel suit. but then of course you might have to 'fess up about the nude pics..... maybe a letter from the right lawyer would stop her. maybe not. remember what your parents said to you about the neighborhood bully ? if you stop paying attention to her - she will find someone else to bother. don't try to understand her, don't try to be friends. just forget about her - she is not part of your life.
you are doing fine. we all have bad days/weeks - its fine. i cringe now when i remember the screaming and throwing fits i threw right before i left exH. i was a mess - it was horrible - i wasn't sleeping - i was scared. that's not an excuse, and not a justification, but that's what it was. i am not proud of the fact that i acted that way - but i AM proud of the fact that i was able to move past it and i no longer act that way. the very fact that you are ashamed of what you did just shows that you are on the right track. hang in there!
Thank you for all the great advice.
Sleep... well I have a 4 month old who is cutting teeth and a 17 month old who is cutting teeth. That's why I get up so early. The 4 month old is in our room for now and SO works so I get up to take the baby out of the room so he can sleep. This morning I was up at 3, something...lol. The excersice thing I agree with too. I have been working out everyday since my son was born 4 months ago ( lost 80 pounds!!! )
I also agree with the no contact thing. I am working on a way to get her to stop too. I will talk to my lawyer today.
Thanks for all the great advice. Hugs to you.
Angelena
Look
We all have our times when we lose it. We are human. You had the moment, now it's gone, dont beat yourself up over it however, just learn from it. My ex is on relationship #2, and I didnt even have the 1st one yet since we split up. He has lost his job and his life is literally falling apart. He's with a 20yr old now who makes it her duty to let me know she is with my son whenever my ex picks him up for a visit trying to play "mommy", she makes noise, giggles anything to let me hear she is there. It drives me crazy and for so long I hardly even let him pick him up b/c it upset me so much.
But you know what we got on the "new women", that they dont have on us: We know what liars, cheaters, and dogs are ex's are. My ex's little 20 yr old has no idea that when he comes to my house he acts as though he still belongs there, he still gets mail there, wants to lay in my bed even next to me. When he leaves he wants to hug and even give me a kiss on the lips. What wonderful behavior for someone who wants a "serious relationship" with this new girl. One week he does then the next week he wants freedom. I admit for a long while I allowed this behavior thinking he would miss me enough to come back. Then I felt good b/c I figured good for her I still have a part of his heart and she thinks she has him all to herself and doesnt. But NO. He is just milking the situation getting the comfort of two people wanting his attention. Because when he is with me and she calls he caters to her and it hurts. That's when I got hip to everyone telling me to do the no contact thing. It works b/c when I broke it I realized im not "over" me and him yet and I dont need to be used.
That woman is just insecure and the only way she can feel good about herself is to put you down so that should tell YOU something about YOU. Girl hang in there. I know it's hard because you feel this other person has something better than you. I feel that way also but its because I had lost myself in loving my ex. So We must work on us, think of us first, do things for us that we wanted them to do. I went out last week, brought myself some perfume, and flowers. I was ashamed at first but then i said what the heck for. I have a right to love myself. LOVE YOURSELF.
Hugs to you, I hope this helps.