Surprised i am doing this
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| Fri, 01-19-2007 - 1:16pm |
1/18/07 From Los Angelas, California
OK - I can't believe I am writing on a message board. I have never done this before. I have been reading these posts for about a week and it is pretty interesting to see that I am not the only person in the world having troubles. I must first state that I am a male. I thought I would post on this site because I would like to get a womens perspective.
I have been married for 10 years with 3 children. I am 40 and she is 41. I am a very hard worker as I always thought my role was to provide financially for my family. My STBX and my children have always had what they wanted both materialistic and time together. My STBX, since we got together has not worked and has been able to raise the kids. I insisted on this. I was very happy that she didn't have to work and that I could provide for my family; like I think a man should. Over a year ago my STBX stated she simply wasn't happy anymore and wanted a divorce. NOTE: Never any abuse, never any cheating, etc.)
I worked hard all day and then everynight came home to my family. I never went to bars, happy hour and most of the time never hung out with friends because I found great joy in being with my wife and kids. My enjoyment was being a family man above everything else in the world.
I was told, and it seems to be a new fad these days to divorce for the reason "I am just not happy anymore". Our divorce will be over in a couple of months. We have been seperated for about 19 months but there were back and forths as my STBX couldn't make up her mind. I had previously moved out at her request ( I moved out because she wasn't happy and I wanted her to be happy) After getting my own place for about 11 months she asked me to come home and work things out. About 2 weeks after I went back home she decided she wanted me to go again.
I see the kids whenever I want to which I want to all the time. I am fixing to move about 15 miles away from them so I can see them even more. My kids are 5, 9 and 11.
Everyone tells me that they can't imagine why this is happening except that my wife is trying to live out her youth again and thinks it will be more fun being single than married. She is beautiful and has many men persuing her. Her family loves me, our friends love me...and everyone feels I am getting screwed. Not in the divorce negotiations - I agreed to give her everything. The house, the furniture - everything. Frankly all of that was apart of our marriage and if our marriage isn't going to be, I don't want it. I can start over - with materials, etc. What I can't imagine doing is starting over in life. She was my everything. I was hers at some point.
Like I said, it has been almost 2 years and I don't feel like dating. I feel like every women I meet I look at her and think, "Have you seen my wife? It seems no one will compare to her beauty, to her knowing me, etc.
I don't know if I have really asked any questions for anyone to give advice to - I just thought people could read this and what ever comes to mind, jot it down for me.
Thanks!

Just sending (((HUGS))) (if you don't mind :-)). It hurts alot and it isn't fair and for many of us it isn't right. Some divorces need to happen, but lots happen because someone isn't willing to work hard enough or thinks the grass is greener or is too selfish or not mature enough to handle the responsibilities ... it's those divorces that really suck and especially if there are innocent children involved.
From my perspective my divorce fits into the latter category. Sounds like yours does too. So, I feel your pain.
Hang out. It is good to have another perspective regardless of gender.
I hope your children overcome the pain of the divorce and you can nuture them and take care of yourself.
M
It sounds like you are a great guy and were a great husband and father. As much as it hurts to hear, there was obviously some void you were not filling for her. She may not even know what it is.
I know we all often wonder, "Why me?" "Why must I go through this suffering?". Later down the line you will know. The answer is not always immediate. I have been through many terrible experiences and they have either, 1) made me a stronger person, or 2) brought me to a place I needed to be and couldn't have had I not suffered some.
I bet you will meet the girl of your dreams, one even more beautiful and wonderful than your STBX. She will appreciate you and you will have a mutually beneficial relationship. That is the best feeling in the world. At that point you will know why you went through all of this - to find your sole mate that you didn't know existed. The woman who is really perfect for you am compliments you and your lifestyle.
STBX will be jealous and will realize that maybe she made a mistake. Just keep being a good dad and a supportive friend to XW and you will find true happiness someday. For now, I recommend investing in yourself and keeping busy. Take a class just for fun or catch up on your reading list.
Good luck and I wish you much happiness in the future. Time heals all.
I am sorry to hear about your situation.
I also live in CA, and you are entitled to 50% of the marital assets. You don't owe her all of it. If she has the kids then you do want to provide support, but she doesn't get everything. Giving her everything is not going to win her back!!
You deserve someone who really loves you, don't forget that.
Mary
I am a nurse and working at a new job. In my job I have to communicate with doctors everyday. We've sort of been taught traditionally that we should get what we want, but make the doctor think it was his/her idea. Well, it ain't that world anymore!!! My boss told me yesterday to "Grow some nurse balls and tell the doctor what I want, instead of asking them to "please advise". I have found her advice to be very inspiring...not just at work, but at home. It IS time to ask for what you want, but be careful what you ask for.....
Xbrite,
You're welcome to visit here at Surviving Divorce. I'm sorry about your situation. It's never an easy thing to deal with but we hope you find some common ground here with others men and women.
Your wife says she wasn't happy in your marriage. That's pretty broad. Have the two of you sought marriage counseling, even now? If not, I suggest you go. It may seem like the "11th hour" for your marriage but it may prove helpful even if your divorce proceeds as planned.
I do have one observation based on the contents of your post. Has it occured to you that perhaps your wife isn't happy being at home because she hasn't been able to grow and develop outside of her role as wife and mother? Everyone grows at different rates and different ways within a marriage. You have enjoyed the opportunity to interact with others every day at a job, perhaps had recognition, training or other learning opportunities, and the opportunity to advance. Frankly, I'm wondering if your wife feels like she's in stasis being at home and her "unhappiness" is really about feeling stalled in life.
I strongly encourage you to think about that possibility. Do seek counseling before the divorce is final and be prepared to both be honest with her and allow her to be honest with you. If there's a chance of saving your marriage, it may take a lot of adjusting on both your parts to go forward together.
Best wishes,
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Hugs, Brenda