surprises and self discovery.....Advice?
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surprises and self discovery.....Advice?
| Sun, 12-17-2006 - 10:47am |
I have posted here a few times before thru my ordeal...I initiated a divorce last september after 12 years of marriage He moved out shortly after I told him. I have 3 kids, one of which is disabled. Im a full time college student,Living on loans and getting ready to apply to nursing school if i make it thru the next 6 months of Anatomy. I was elated, over joyed and ready to take on the world the first few weeks after he left. I had energy abound....Then depression hit, i was confused, not expecting it at all, posted on here and got some good advice. Well the depression hasnt lifted, gotten alittle worse, some days i dont get dressed at all, but being in between quarters in school, i try to see that as a little luxury. What is slowly creeping over me now, is alot of self discovery and anger....yet another thing i was not expecting. It started with me being angry at not being able to have my STBX the way he is without me...motivated, strong, healthy, connected to his emotions, driven and focused. After 3 separations and this being second filing for divorce, I know now that every time I try to reconcile with him, that gos away. he becomes a slug. It slowly slips away and back to what it was. There is something about our interactions and/or chemistry that changes us and how we act. It is so sad because we are good people and good parents, but its almost toxic, our chemisty. (and there being no romantic chemistry doesnt help either) Realizing I was "angry" about something opened a huge can of worms. One thing lead to another. I am angry about so much, I cant go too much into it because none of you have that much time. But there are a few big ones, and i realized i have been so wrapped up in a failing marriage and disabled son that I have shoved this down and its a big reason I emotionally shut down and my heart has been so icy...My anger gos way back to my childhood as most of ours does i guess, I had an abusive severly mentally ill mother, who still when given the opportunity will be as emotionally and mentally cruel and abusive as she can...I havent spoken to her in 4 months, after casually mentioning something to my sister about my mothers financial situation, she went off on me, saying i was trying to destroy her and left 20 minutes of the most foul messages on my machine. called me every name in the book and wished me every ill and harm you could on someone. I tell myself that it is the mental illness not her saying and doing these things, but regardless, she messed up my childhood I dont have a mom to talk to and depend on and im angry about that.
Im angry at the fact that i got handed a mentally ill/diabled child.....Im angry that i got married so young to force a family that i grew up without and wanted so desperatly to create. Im angry that i didnt go to college till i was 31...im angry that i cant feel what i should be able to feel for my STBX...Im angry at him for losing his focus and drive the minute we are under the same roof. Im angry that I struggle financially and always have while things work out so beautifully for my friends. Im angry that I had to experience poverty and shame growing up. Im angry my dad took off, my step dad, tho a good guy, is emotionally disconnected, my uncle is a mean drunk (thats it for male figures growing up) I could go on and on.....I guess the other times we seperated, It was like a "break" for me, i could shut down, decompress and it gave me enough mental energy to keep going. This time is different. There are truths i know now about my marriage that make it impossible to go back no matter how much i miss having a "normal" nuclear family. And being angry is new. I mean I always was angry, i just never let myself admit it, or think about why.....this divorce is so much more than i expected it to be. But its no wonder i couldnt make this work with the baggage i am carrying. sometimes i am astounded at the weight of it. I realized that it has been so long since i felt good, i dont remember what thats like...and sometimes i wonder if Ill ever feel it again.
Im angry at the fact that i got handed a mentally ill/diabled child.....Im angry that i got married so young to force a family that i grew up without and wanted so desperatly to create. Im angry that i didnt go to college till i was 31...im angry that i cant feel what i should be able to feel for my STBX...Im angry at him for losing his focus and drive the minute we are under the same roof. Im angry that I struggle financially and always have while things work out so beautifully for my friends. Im angry that I had to experience poverty and shame growing up. Im angry my dad took off, my step dad, tho a good guy, is emotionally disconnected, my uncle is a mean drunk (thats it for male figures growing up) I could go on and on.....I guess the other times we seperated, It was like a "break" for me, i could shut down, decompress and it gave me enough mental energy to keep going. This time is different. There are truths i know now about my marriage that make it impossible to go back no matter how much i miss having a "normal" nuclear family. And being angry is new. I mean I always was angry, i just never let myself admit it, or think about why.....this divorce is so much more than i expected it to be. But its no wonder i couldnt make this work with the baggage i am carrying. sometimes i am astounded at the weight of it. I realized that it has been so long since i felt good, i dont remember what thats like...and sometimes i wonder if Ill ever feel it again.

Hi nursmolly,
I, for one, and impressed that you found the courage to go to college at age 31. Don't beat yourself up so much about that-- sometimes our lives take a different than "normal" course.
The self-discovery and unexpected feelings part sounds very familiar. My divorce was final recently, and I'm still discovering new things about myself, and there are feelings of anger remaining. Even now my X is trying to re-write our marriage into something that was a partnership (it certainly WASN'T!), and that he was Mr. Wonderful (he wasn't!), and this does anger me, but I know he's an idiot, so it's not so bad. It's taken me a while to get to this point. You have a right to explore your anger-- anger for your marriage, anger for your family... it takes a lot of fortitude to care for a disabled person, and sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves... we suck up a lot to keep the peace in the family, and it affects us negatively-- we get depressed, angry, sad... Are you in counseling? It helped me tremendously to have someone in that capacity to be supportive, yet neutral. They can help you sort through your anger-- to me, it sounds like you have a great deal of insight into yourself, and counseling is more beneficial to those who have the capability of looking into ourselves.
You'll get through this-- I wish you health and peace.
Hi molly ~~ We have a great deal in common. Your post struck a nerve (a good one) and decided to answer. Sorry, this is going to be long!
Warning: May cause boredom and sleepiness. Key imprints from falling asleep at the computer across your forehead will cause laughter among co-workers and friends, be sure to remove before public viewing.
First of all Molly, you are very young to go to college at 31. I wish I had started college at 31, however, I started at 40, got my associates degree at 42 and have been pursuing my bachelors degree part-time losing 36 hours in a transfer between the jr. college and university in the same field (am 48 now and will be 50 when I finally finish). Going full-time starting next semester to finish up.
My husband did not give me a choice of sticking around. He left me for the OW and cleaned out our joint accounts and cancelled my credit cards (without telling me first). Now in lieu of sending me money (and he is in the military so it is a must) he has been choosing which bills he will and won't pay and I have no recourse until we go for our first hearing next month (which is three months after I filed for divorce and it will be at least another three months before we can go back to court to get the final decree).
I am ill with spinal stenois and early kidney disease which leaves me in constant pain and with limited mobility. Am under a doctor's note not to work full-time indefinately. HE wants me to quit school (even though I helped him earn an associates degree, a bachelor's degree and finally his MBA) and go to back to work full-time. I was working a full-time job and a part-time job plus school until my illness brought me literally to my knees at the beginning of this year. Now just have the part-time job. However, as you know, you must start paying back student loans if you quit or drop below half time and without a degree, that is just foolish to quit school.
Role models growing up...my father left my blind mother, my two younger brothers and I. I was severly beaten with a leather strap on a regular basis from the neck to my knees leaving welts and bruises for weeks and weeks. He walked out one day and never came home...was with another woman who had seven children and never sent my mother a dime. We did not have a television, a telephone, or an automobile when I was growing up. She attended college with the help of Services for the Blind and earned three college degrees and went on to be very successful.
I have four children, three of whom are grown (in their mid-late 20s) and a ten-year old who is developmentally delayed, has a learning disability, and suffers for multiple allergies and other maladies including a kidney/bladder problem and a hearing loss. But she has the most beautiful positive and wonderful spirit always with a smile on her face.
My ten year old daughter and I are also Hurricane Katrina survivors and live in a storm damaged home (minor now as I have made many repairs alone without him helping) in an infrastructure that is still broken. I cannot afford to make the remaining repairs as he took the OW gambling with the last of the insurance proceeds that was in the joint account.
I'm angry with myself for getting married the first time so young and having so many children so quickly. I'm angry that my first husband was a wife beater and around whom I walked on eggshells fearful for my life as well as that of the children but was finally able to escape.
I am also angry because I realize how emotionally distant that my husband was the last few years of our marriage. Angry that he took very little time when home to be a parent and develop a relationship with his only child. Angry that I didn't forsee the financial withdrawal from my STBX before it happened and prepared myself much better to handle the financial stresses. Particularly angry that in this divorce I have lost my best friend, confidant, and life-time partner; will lose medical benefits when I am so ill; may lose the our home; and very angry that I may struggle in poverty even after graduating because I may not be able to work full-time and no guarantees that anyone will hire a 50 year old single parent who needs to attend to her child's medical needs. Most of all very angry that I will be court ordered to share time with our precious child on holidays and special times with a usurper into our family life when he has been such a distant parent and has done very little of the parenting. With sadness it the realization that at my age, health, and with a minor child it will be more likely that I am struck by lightening than to find another lifetime partner. I'm very angry that I am left with the responsibility of raising our daughter, struggling constantly to make ends meet; however, he will be allowed to continue along with his happy life never having to pay a penality for his crime of murdering our marriage other than a few dollars of child support.
Molly, I share this with you not so that you will feel sorry or that it will depress you even more...but to show that we each have our challenges. There is no normalcy, there is no "perfect" American family. We are led to believe this by the media and we at our lowest ebb believe that everyone else has a secert to happiness. It's a myth of smoke and mirrors, no one has good luck all the time, no one is happy all the time. You look at your life as a lousy life and I see how lucky you really are from my point of view.
I KNOW it is hard right now. I KNOW how the tears come and how your heart breaks wide open and how difficult it is to take on the role of both parents (being married twice to military members and left for months at a time I've played that role most of my adult life). You are carrying around a lot of baggage right now and you need help. Please seek help from a therapist. You may be able to find someone through a referral at the student health center and check into what the school has available. (I'm still waiting to see mine -- broken infrastructure -- will see him 10 weeks after my doctor recommended one and sent me to see one). Be extra kind to yourself...pat yourself on the back every day for all the small things you do right and forget about those thing that you can't accomplish because you are not superwoman (she is a myth too). Take care of your health, play with your children during this semester break, and take your vitimins and get as much sleep as you can (I know that too is difficult), and eat right, skip the junk food (except ok, maybe chocolate) and drink plenty of water. I know everyone tells you that...but it REALLY DOES HELP!
The secert to happiness lies within ourselves. We alone are responsible for our happiness. We alone are responsible for our attitude and the way that we handle our downs as well as our ups. We can look at things from a positive spin. We CHOOSE our attitude! You CAN CHOOSE to wake up each day and realize that it is a new day on which to begin a new portrait and a new time each day. You can choose to make that a positive day. I start each day with the passage, "God grant me peace this day and love in my heart to do and say the right things to bring joy to others." This helps me set the tone for the day. It doesn't mean that the day is perfect, but it does help! Good luck to you...see a counselor, surround your self with supportive friends, and always try to find something positive about the day. Keep posting to let us know how you are doing and don't forget that you have people who care dearly about you...your children most of all. Be a positive role model for them. >>>HUGS<<< for you to find the strength and courage that is there within yourself!! There will be days when things will get better.
--Joy
Edited 12/17/2006 5:02 pm ET by jojoke