Surviivor Needing Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Surviivor Needing Help
6
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 8:06am

I don't believe that I have ever posted hear. I'm not sure because I have trouble remembering things. I am 59 and
last year left a 30 year relationship, 24 married. I found "New Beginnings" where I found the help to go on. Life is
not getting easier. It now is the best of two evils, I believe, for me. I just wish that the lawyer I trusted would have
helped me instead of destroyed my life that I had left. It is hard to look forward, at my age, to have to start over in-
stead of going on with what should have been with all the years that I spent taking care of a home and family. I
took pride and now have nothing to show for it. There is no retirement such as one would have after better taking
care of one's self. I read the success stories of the women who tell of being better off after their divorces and am so
happy to see that women are not throwing their lives away, such as I did. The best to all and thanks for letting me
talk,

Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 9:52am
Sherry, I know it is hard to see in the future, but you can make things better. The ladies here have shown me that. The best advice I have gotten so far is look to the positives. They are there. Sometimes you have to move over all the bad crap to see. I am 4 1/2 months out from the day my husband came home and told me he didn't love me anymore. On that day he kicked me out of my house and took charge of my children. I have days where I am so scared and so lonely. I don't know how I will make it, but I will and you will too. Give it time. You are grieving. You will be sad, angry, lonely, and scared sometimes all at the same time. Give yourself time to grieve. I take antidepressants and I go to therapy. Both of which I recomend. If you haven't seen your doctor, you may want to. You are going through a tough time and I have found it is nearly impossible to do alone. I devoted my life to caring for my husband and children. I gave up everthing for them, to the point where I don't even know who I am. My ex and I had been together of 20 years and married for 15. We will survive this! You did not throw your life away and neither did I. We are in a new chapter of our lives and we just need someone to help us read the instructions. Come back and join us any time. Vent, cry, or cheer.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 9:48am

Brenda,

Thanks so much for your wonderful message. It is amazing what a new day can bring. That is why it is so important to not give up. It also helps a lot to hear from women who have gone through it as long as we did. That is why I find it
important for me to keep trying to answer "WHY" this happened and to help others to stop putting up with anyone abusing them. No one deserves to spend any part of their lives like this. Believe me and I know you feel the some,
Thanks again for being here. Have a wonderful day,

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 10:45am
Sherry, We may never get our answers to our why questions. I have a lot of them. LOL
I am determined to do my best by my boys even if it kills me. They deserve the best I can give them. Part of that is taking care of me. If I don't I am not good to anyone. I wish someone had told me that sooner because now I am struggling to figure out what that is. Take care of yourself. See you around. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 11:49am

Well I don't know if this will be of any help but you never know. My mother has been married to my father for 40 years and believe it or not my siblings and I to this day still try to encourage her to leave him. He has inflicted more emotional abuse on her more than anything, though there were incidents of physical abuse as well. Once my brothers were old enough my father knew better. He has taken every penny she has ever earned and blown it. They have no savings, and he only has a moderate pension because he works 2 days a week at a business that has actually lost money since the day he started it. I could go on about their financial situation but it's minor compared to how he has demoralized, controlled and threatened her over the years. Everytime we tried to defend or help her he would take it out on her.

The point of my story is that I was thinking how horrible it must be for her to have wasted so many years of her life with a man like that when she could have had a much better life without him. She told me she doesn't regret it for a second. She said her kids kept her going and that as tough as it was at times, she's proud of the way we have grown up and the people we have become. After all these years she is still able to see more positive things about her life to make the bad stuff more bearable. Try to find the good things and cherish those, make those your lasting memories. You will get through this and you will have more good memories to cherish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 2:24pm
I like your mother. She did the one thing I was trying to do. I am glad to hear she was successful at it. Since he filed for divorce I now have to figure out how to do it on my own. Believe me she doesn't want to be the martyr, she just wanted to do what was best for you kids. I'll say a prayer for her to find peace in the decisions she has made and one for you too. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 3:08pm

Thanks. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have worked at little harder at making my own marriage work after seeing what she went through. But she's the first to admit that the direction she took isn't necessarily the best.

It might be a struggle figuring things out on your own but I think the pay off will be worth it. The struggle makes it seem that much more satisfying when you finally find the groove. Take care.