Surviving a divorce with abusive ex
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| Wed, 04-19-2006 - 9:46pm |
Dear ivillage sisters,
I am turning to everyone here for an advice about my divorce that has been going on for over 2 years. I have 2 young children from my marriage of 5 years: a 6 y.o. boy and a 4 y.o. daughter. My ex was emotionally abusive, controlling man who married me hoping that my parents will make him rich. When I refused to get help from my parents, he started to ignore me, blame me for making him marry me ( because I got pregnant), then gradually it turned to physical violence and emotional abuse. When I called the police last time it happened, he left and that is when our divorce started. He keeps blaming me for calling the police on him. WE got a temporary access and child support agreement, which now he is constesting pretending that it doesn not correspond to his current income anymore. He hid his money abroad, he left the country for over a year, he does not visit his children regularly. He is very smart and knows how to speak eloquently ( he studied law, but never became a lawyer and turned to political studies- he even ran as a candidate in legislative elections once). He is self-employed and has lots of rental income, but he is hiding it on his income tax return ( has a very smart accountant). Now he joined a mens group and is putting a lot of pressure on me to abandon a child support and help him " pay his debts" -yes, he wants me to pay some of his mortagages! It is really crazy, he is writing me every day crazy letters, he is now doing a hunger strike and is all around the local media claiming that I robbed him of everything and that he is paying too much of child support. I do not know what to do: my doctor put me on anti-depressants, I am about to lose my job as my head is just not there. What should I do??? I want to run away, but I know I can't do that legally as he will claim that I kidnapped the children, but I can't live so close to him. I am tired, exhausted, I had to put a second mortgage on my house to pay my legal fees. He sues for death for everything and anything ( for example, he brought me to a small claims court for the scratches I made to his BMW while we were married, which he sold a year ago) Please help me...
Thank you all in advance,
Marina.

I don't have any good advice, but it sounds like you are in quite a situation. I really hope that someone here has something helpful to say... that's why I commented to bump the post up. Other than suggesting counseling for yourself and no contact with him (as much as is possible)... I don't know what else to say. I hope that this is all over for you soon. I'm so sorry that you going through all this. Hugs and good luck. Will be thinking of you.
Summer
Good grief, this sounds like a Lifetime movie...Or Jerry Springer!
What a situation to be in! You have my sympathy. It's really a challenge dealing with a man bent on revenge.
Just do your very best to ignore him. Eventually he'll get tired or you can get restraining orders. It's got to improve once you get an offical divorce and financial settlement. Having a police report that he hurt you is one huge asset for you in court, especially if he is not exercising visitation. Let him make himself look a fool. Do your best to not let yourself be swept up in it. Take very good care of yourself.
Thank you for your support. It really means a lot to me. I realise that my situation is really complicated, that is why I wrote here: out of despair, anger and hope. Hope that I will survive and get through this crazy, wicked situation for the sake of my children. It is really hard for me to keep my sanity and be happy for my children. I pray to God a lot, hoping that God gives me strength, wisdom and compassion so I can survive for my children, who have only me to take care of them.
God bless you all and thank you for your support.
M.
HI there.... I'm glad you're here... and vent away any time.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Karen, thanks!!!!! Wow, it really did make me feel better. I guess I was just overwhelmed by all the media that jumped on this "shocking sensation" of a hunger strike and all of a sudden I was hearing his creepy voice all over local radio stations, repeating the same nonsense he's been writing and telling me over the past 2 years. Anyway, I got over this, thanks to all of you. I do have a much bigger question though: how do you even negotiate with an uncompromising man such as my ex? DO you have any suggestions, tactics?
Until now, I was just trying to have as little contact as possible - because I am starting to shake the minute I hear/see him. I am still afraid of him, I guess.
Should I just let my lawyer to deal with him? SHould I agree for a settlement conference or should I just forget all about it and head right to the court? I am all the way for compromising - but I know that for him it is "my way or no way" - that is why I gave you an example of this hunger strike to show how stubborn he can be.
By the way, he went to courts twice about the child support, and the judge rejected his motion, saying that his income didn't change and that he is paying as much as he is supposed to according to the money he is making.
Hugs to all of you,
M.
I'd suggest that you avoid interacting with him any more than you absolutely have to as long as things seem volatile.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~