Surviving...What's That????

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Surviving...What's That????
8
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 3:17pm

I'm new to this board...I just don't know where else to turn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2008
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 5:49pm

Queen,


Don't really have any advice but do know that there are people here who understand and can relate to what you are going thru. Bottom line, you need to do what is best for your life and your children's and no one can tell you what that is but you and perhaps your Higher Power, and I don't mean religion here, ok. There are a lot of people on this board who have had to make tough decisions just like you so just wanted you to know you are in the right place and can find support here even if

Phoenix Firebird 08
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 11:16am

I really sympathize that your family isn't being supportive of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 7:09pm

My mother does know of the abuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 07-29-2008 - 8:04am

Queen,


Hi. I'm sorry your family is being difficult. It is hard enough to go through the loss of a marriage without being judged by others who haven't lived in your skin.


I am a Christian and a divorcee who remarried. What your parents/family fail to remember first and foremost is what the Bible commands of husbands: To love their wives as God so loved the church. English translation: Your husband should be willing to DIE for you. Your husband has obviously failed by Biblical standards. Or he's misunderstood Ephesians Chapter 5 and believes he lords over you like some kind of master.


Here's from a Christian whose lived this nightmare and survived:
1)You are not going to Hell for seeking peace and safety for yourself and your children.


2)You are not condemned to a life of singleness because your husband failed to live up to his end of the bargain.


3)Your family is more afraid of what "other people" think about your situation and how it reflects on THEM than whether you are happy.


Here's my advice:


1)Get support. Join a divorce support group. Many churches and mental health centers offer groups for a nominal fee or for free. You need to hear that you're not alone.


2)Get legal advice. You may qualify for Legal Aid. Check the blue pages in the phonebook under "United States" and call the office. If you don't qualify or can afford an attorney, find a competent divorce attorney (one who has a lot of experience dealing with children in a divorce) and make an appointment. Be prepared to ask about LEGAL issues, i.e. child support, custody, visitation, division of debts and assets, etc.


3)You've been abused so don't be shy about reaching out to the domestic violence victim network in the area or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). The people on the other end can help you find support, and provide direction on how to cope.


4)If reunion with your husband were possible I'd advise it only under the following circumstances: 1)You keep separate residences (it takes the pressure off both of you and gives you space), 2)You enter JOINT marriage counseling and individual counseling, 3)You don't move back in together unless there is significant progress on your husband's part to admit his contribution to the failure of the marriage and he agrees to take responsibility for that.


Too often - way to often - people who profess some kind of "religious" righteousness about your situation forget that Jesus didn't put up with legalism. He told the pharisees to chill out when he picked corn on a Sunday to feed the hungry. And, oddly enough, he was protecting women of his time when he forebade divorce except in cases of adultery. You see, at that time, a man could divorce his wife for ANY reason. By laying down the edict he did about divorce being allowed only for adultery, he short-circuited a terrible wrong against the women of his day.


Your parents need to remember that no one should be abused and that children deserve to be raised in a peaceful home. You need not explain or aplogize to anyone about your decision to protect yourself and your kids. I just hope your husband stops being an idiot and realizes he has a lot to lose.


Good luck!

CL-Wisdomtooth2020


Some commonly misspelled words on this board:


You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-29-2008 - 11:35am

People who haven't experienced it don't understand that emotional abuse can be just as devastating as physical abuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Tue, 07-29-2008 - 11:53am

Queen...


My only question about this whole matter of abuse is...why in the world would your parents want him to be around them, you or your children if he was such a horrible monster? Truly, if my husband were abusive in

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Tue, 07-29-2008 - 2:16pm

My mother doesn't see it that way...and I can't make her understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Tue, 07-29-2008 - 2:19pm
I don't think anyone really understands unless they have lived it.