taking back your maiden name?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
taking back your maiden name?????
9
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 4:30pm

I am trying to decide whether or not to take back my maiden name.
My ex was unfaithful; his best friend and wife began a divorce and soon after my ex decided on a divorce he is now with the wife of his now former best friend (yes this is a soap opera LOL)

I am thoroughly disgusted by this, humiliated.
I gave up grad school to marry and move for his job.
I then gave up career advancement for family (yup another stupid move)
I am going back to grad school and just don't want the married name on the diploma or announcement. And the married name still gives me that 'connection'

I don't think my adult child will care, he just wants mom to be happy (he's a good son)

Has anyone else dealt with this? Gone back to your maiden name?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 4:52pm

I chose to keep my married name... I wasn't exactly proud of my father or the history or my maiden name... when my parents divorced (once I was an adult), I asked mom if she was going to change her name--I knew she wasn't very proud of the married name (my maiden name) either...


She hadn't even considered it because she had been married for more than half her life and she had had her married last name for longer than she had had her maiden name... but... once I suggested it she agreed that it would be nice to have a name she was proud of (her father was a great man)... so after 29 years of marriage to a man that betrayed her on a number of levels, she changed her name back.


You need to do what is right for you--but if you are seriously considering doing it, I would encourage you do so--my Mom hasn't regretted the decision at all.


Good Luck!


Julie

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 5:03pm
I wrestle with this issue too. I also want to go back to my maiden name but I feel as though I have to wait until my children are through high school. Like you I want to banish the married name but with children in school the awkward moments when single moms have different last names are really trying sometimes. Everyone just assumes you are Mrs. so and so and when you have to correct them it can be, as I said, awkward. My children have been really good about us getting divorced (it hasn't been finalized yet) and I don't want to have the constant reminder for them every time someone calls me Ms. Maiden name instead of Mrs. so and so.
My mother is so mad at my soon to be ex she keeps telling me to change the children's names! LOL!!!! Of course I have to remind her that is not an option!
Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 6:07pm

that's it! Everyone assumes that an older woman is Mrs. So n so, and I'm still referred to as Mrs. - but I'm not, I'm Ms. Not really miss, not mrs, but a proud Ms.

I can see where with children at home one would wait; with former neighbors and people here in town seeing his antics, I wonder if going back to my maiden name would relieve some of the pain and anger?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 8:58pm

Haven't dealt with it. Would do it in a heartbeat. I want nothing to do with his last name. I took it as a sign of unity and so our whole family would have the same name. Well, nevermind that, I guess. Problem for me is I have two very young children. I fear it would hurt them if I did it. Still, seriously considering it. It would be such a relief!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 9:36pm
It absolutely would make you feel better! Why should you carry a name that only causes you embarassment and pain? I think it is great step towards breaking free of all the "chains that bind" you to your marriage. I know right now I cannot branch out into my own business as I would like to do with this last name because he made such a mess of his life/business that I would be connected to the last name and my chances of getting business would be nil!
When I first got married (24 years ago) women were really just starting to keep their maiden names and I for one was dead set against it. I bought in to that whole thing of taking his name, etc. As the years progressed I began to rethink the whole thing and while it can be confusing once there are children, with so many women today keeping their name, their children just accept that "mommy's name is different" from the get-go. Now, of course, I wish I had not changed my name, but in about 6 years I'll be heading off to court to do so! Who knows, in a couple of months maybe I'll feel really brave and go right ahead and change my name back to my maiden name and let the children "adjust". We always make a "big deal" out of how we think they will feel and isn't it a hoot when we are the only ones that are fretting about something and they are off playing like it never happened!
Be strong!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 10:10pm

'We always make a "big deal" out of how we think they will feel and isn't it a hoot when we are the only ones that are fretting about something and they are off playing like it never happened!'

You are so right! I did make my maiden name my middle name (I had no middle name to begin with)and as ex was a PK (preacher's kid) I too thought 'we are family..."
in the state where I live I may be able to amend the divorce decree to restore my name.

thanks so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 10:20pm
Hi, My divorce will be final soon and I am going back to my maiden name. During mediation it came up and I was told that if I decided then to change it back it wouldn't cost anything so I agreed immediately. I do not have kids, so it may be easier on me, but I am expecting many questions from co-workers as to why my name changed, but it is something I want to do for me. I am going to be out of the marriage so in my opinion I shouldn't have his last name. Good luck making your decision. Karen
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 10:30pm
The positive responses have been overwhelming and so many seem to see right into me...
Karen, did you have any problems with social security or other agencies. Any tips or hints?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 12:37am

My divorce was final in April and I went back to my maiden name. I had thought about it quite a bit and felt that with kids (9 & 5) I shouldn't change it. I am back in school and will be going into nursing school and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted a fresh start. I didn't want people that I saw while I worked, to say 'oh, are you married to so and so?' I just wanted a complete break from my Xh and his family. I don't respect him or his family and didn't want to share their last name. I couldn't be happier that I switched my name. It's been a breeze as far as my sons' school is concerned and the kids are fine with it. I just explained that they have their dad's last name and since I wouldn't be married to their dad anymore, I wanted to go back to the (last) name my dad gave me.

The day after my divorce was final, I changed my driver's license, my social security card and my bank info. It was a very free-ing thing to do, I think it gave me a bit of closure on the whole thing because it was like claiming ME back!

Good luck with whatever you choose to do!
Jen