taking the high road for LOW lives ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
taking the high road for LOW lives ...
4
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 10:15pm

ok ... HOW do you get to abandon your twin sons for, what day 18 now, and not see them, not provide financial support, not return their phone calls, yet, go out of town for father's day weekend & lay up with skank GF and NOT spend the weekend with your sons, then when you do decide to finally initiate a phone call to your sons, you proceed to BAD MOUTH their mother the ENTIRE time???

DSs get off the phone; we're set to go for pizza, fun night & one starts CRYING!! uh, DS1, what is wrong? "daddy said that the reason why we can't see him is because you took us and told him that you could do a better job at raising us. he said you don't respect him and wanted the divorce, and should have listened to him and just seen us on the weekends. he said he tried to tell you that we didn't need counseling and that men can only raise boys into men" ... i kid you not, i think i literally turned blue!! ... he said WHAT??? WTH!!!

those of us going through a separation or divorce are constantly told to NEVER speak poorly of the other parent to our children & throughout this ENTIRE ordeal, i have said NOTHING damaging about their Dud (in fact, i've been saying things to the contrary to cover his cheatin' tail), then, he just tears me down like that to our sons, who now probably are sooo angry at me or something. oh, this is JUST what they needed amid their confusion and disappointment regarding what's going on!

i couldn't even respond to DS1 i hurt so much for both of them; i still haven't. all i could do is grab DS1 and hold him & told him he'd feel better after he had his favorite pizza. the night was quiet and sons were reserved. only after they got on the playstation that they "pepped" up.

i have NO idea what to say, which i'll have to answer and explain their Dud's poor behavior, why is that?? maybe i should just reverse this & let their dad raise them. he appears to the be the "champion" parent 'n all. i'm sooo at a loss & going insane. this emotional ride has gotta stop. he's soooo beyond a jerk, i absolutely cannot believe his nerve. he's a sociopath, i'm CONVINCED!

the gods must be crazy & they must be clones of my STBX!!!

need help & hugs ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 8:41am
You need to go to counseling yourself and get some help on how to deal with this. I would be reeling too if I had to deal with all of this. A family therapist can help the boys and help you help the boys. I know this is hard but that man shouldn't raise these boys because the last thing they would become is a man! In the meantime just reassure the boys that you both love them and you would never keep them from their father. Maybe you can just tell them that their dad is mad at you and said those things in anger. Those boys will definitely need some therapy in order to be ok at the end of all of this. I wish you much luck and hugs. You can be the parent they need so feel good about that!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 8:58am


It is truly unbelievable that your STBX would say something like that to his children. You mentioned you've been covering for him. I used to do the same thing with my 11yo DS

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 9:39am

hugs...

its really tuff when grown ups act so irresponsibly. i agree that therapy will help you and your kids.

one bit of advice that i can give you: my ex and i got divorced when my son was three. his father had a bit of relationship with him until areound age five (no money, but he did visit more or less regularly). then he just cut off all ties. for a while i tried to keep things going - i thought the most important thing was that my son would see his dad, even if it meant ME travelling with him to see his fathe, make the phone calls, etc. i also tried to cover my ex's behind, made up excuses, never said anything 'bad' about him. but i realized at some point that that was just making things worse. it was just a continuaiton of my enabling him so i stopped.

that's the advice i wanted to give you- you can't keep covering up for him. your kids are going to see pretty soon what's what. they are not stupid. i am not saying that you should say BAD things about him, just don't say anything and don't try to 'smooth things over'. also - do not encourage your kids to be "tattling" from one parent to the other. I know that you didn't encourage your son to tell you this - and i know that you didn't mean for this to turn out that way, but its not a healthy habit to develop. again - this is where therapy would work for you all - so that your kids will learn what is appropriate and what isn't.

and one more thing - when your ex says to you (either directly or thru the kids) that you are a terrible mom and its all your fault ------ take a nice deep breath and DO NOT respond. don't get angry, don't get mad, don't take it personally. your ex is just saying these things to get a rise out of you.

hugs....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 11:57am

I'm glad that I'm not the only one who stopped covering for the XH.

I refuse to cover his lies. I did it for the first years of our separation and I'm done. He has to live with the consequences of his actions or statements.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie