Teenage Daughter HATES her Father
Find a Conversation
|Thu, 03-03-2005 - 2:57am|
My teenage daughter has an EXTREME amount of anger built up towards her father, my STBX husband, and I don't know what to do.
My 15 year old daughter is constantly telling me she is SO happy I finally decided to "get rid" of my STBX. My husband and I were together for 18 years, and married for 16 years. For reasons I won't go into right now, we had a "role reversal" type situation. I went to work outside of the home, and he stayed home and has been the care giver to our daughter since she was 6 months old.
My STBX suffers from depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder, and is on Social Security disabilty for it. He also has severe back problems, so he is in constant pain. This is not a new issue, it's been going on for the majority of our relationship. I have been unhappy in my marriage for many years, but wanted to try and make it work, so I've been living a lie for quite a while. I did have several conversations with my STBX about how his behavior was affecting me, but he never heard me.
My daughter would always talk to me about how "dad is this, and dad acts like that", and I would always try to smooth things over between the two of them. Because of my STBX's emotional problems, he would yell and scream A LOT. My daughter was very affected by the yelling - but she does realize now that when he was yelling at her, it was not because she had done anything wrong.
Since my husband and I have separated, my daughter has not wanted to see him or talk to him for any reason. There have been a couple of times, where she had to see him, and when she did, she was extremely nervous and just said things he wanted to hear, so that he would get mad, sad, angry, or depressed. I had been encouraging her to talk to her father, and let him know how she felt. I have not been "bad mouthing" my STBX or anything - in fact, my daughter has told me she doesn't understand why I'm not expressing more anger towards him when we do talk about him, and she can't understand why filing divorce papers, and getting my court date, isn't making me smile from ear to ear, and jump up and down with excitement. She did finally, about a month ago, email him and very bluntly expressed what she was feeling. She used several four letter words, told him she "hated him", and called him a "rotten bastard". She said she used this kind of language (which is not something she normally does) because she wanted him to understand how upset she was, and she figured that swearing at him would be the only way he would get it (my husband has a mouth like a sewer).
Anyway, her anger is not getting much better. She has told me that she does still love him, because he is her dad, but she doesn't want anything to do with him. I have suggested that maybe she talk to someone (either a psychologist, or her school guidance counselor) but she refuses. She says that no one is going to understand what she went through with her dad, because they don't know him. Before you even think it.....I've already asked and addressed the unthinkable about why she is so angry at her father - and she says that no, nothing "wrong" happened. She and I are very close, so I do trust her answer on that.
I don't want to force her into therapy with a professional, if it's only going to cause her more pain, and aggravation, and yes ultimately, resentment towards me for making her do it. I have thought about forcing her to see her dad, and hopefully they can work things out, but I don't know if I should do that either. My STBX isn't much help in this, because he is obviously devastated because she wants nothing to do with him. I don't see him being able to put his emotions aside long enough to actually act like a parent with her.....he's never been able to do that.
I'm wondering if anyone else out there has had a similar situation, where the teenager is so angry at their father/mother that they want nothing to do with them.
Any advice would be appreciated.