Tell me the ending...
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 10-09-2007 - 1:31pm |
Oops! Posted this in the housing section below -- should have been here...sorry!
I'm new here, married almost 15 years -- most of them at varying degrees of miserable -- and I am considering divorce more seriously than I ever have. But, I am scared. I want someone to tell me the ending. Would I regret it? Would it hurt my children? Or will we be happier and more peaceful, relieved to come home to a place where there's no fighting and anger.
My husband has always been nasty, controlling and belittling. He believes that the way he thinks is always right, and that no one should enjoy activities that he finds distasteful. He is antisocial and believes that having friends is a waste of time. He is a perfectionist in all aspects of his life, and will criticize me if I eat foods he does not believe should be eaten, if the scissors were not returned to the exact spot in the exact drawer they belong, if the children leave a game out on the playroom floor or a light turned on when they leave a room, etc. This is not just a critical mention, either; he will call me excessively throughout the day to ask me if I have found the lost scissors. He railed at me for an hour the other day for chatting with another mom at our daughters' soccer game rather than standing like a statue next to him while he sat silently

Joywriter,
There is no crystal ball to gaze into the future. What you need is
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Everyone has these same questions when contemplating divorce. There are no guarantees, and I'm sure you know this. I will say that I think growing up with an abusive father who is psychotically controlling (calling throughout the day to see if you found the scissors????) isn't healthy for your children, and it certainly isn't healthy for you. Why would you leave school because he "decided" something? Why do you not think for yourself and make decisions on your own? Why do you allow him to belittle you and control you?
Yes, it will be hard for you financially based on your circumstances. Your children will undoubtedly not want to move. In my experience with divorces, the kids don't mind the housing switch as much as they mind leaving their friends. But sometimes as parents we have to make decisions in the best interest of our children, even if it causes them to be disgruntled initially. Why do you worry so much about pleasing everyone else rather than standing up for yourself and making good parenting decisions for your children? If your husband is the wage earner, courts will often make him pay for both lawyers, his and yours. Your lawyer will be able to advise you on that. Be prepared for your husband to be enraged. You've obviously allowed him to be in control throughout your marriage or he wouldn't behave as he is. This act of disobedience will infuriate him. Be prepared.
You need counseling yourself. We all have had to do a lot of work before we were ready for new relationships following a divorce. We have to discover what our contribution to the break up of our marriages was, and how to be whole people ourselves before we try to offer anything to anyone else. Your children will probably need counseling if they've witnessed these interactions between you and your husband, or if he treated them similarly. One of the most important factors related to self esteem in girls is the way they experience their relationships with their fathers. You have to undo this damage
Cat
Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7
Hi Joy,
I'm sorry you are living this kind of life. This life is not a dress rehearsal. Yes, I will admit I have anxieties when I think of my future. I was married for 30 years. The man that I was married to (if I can call him a man) was very much the same. If I could do it again, I would have left him a long time ago. I wasted the time being with him - the time that I can not get back. Go out there and claim your Joy back! I actually do not believe in divorce but I don't believe in abuse. What are you teaching your children? Try every effort possible to get help together and salvage your marriage. But remember a marriage involves 2 people. First and for most PRAY for guidance. Listen for the answer. Accept it and move on.
Cristyfaith
Joywriter -
I began reading other's posts trying to find solace, since i'm in a similar situation, and I had to reach out since yours sounds a LOT like mine, and I am also in NJ. If you'd like to just commiserate with someone in your area who's going through the same thing, feel free to email me through my profile. I haven't been married as long as you have, but I too am afraid of the unknown - will it be better or worse than what we're dealing with now? I can't help but think it has to be better.
Hang in there.
mrs.till