Telling 4yo that daddy is moving far...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Telling 4yo that daddy is moving far...
3
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 9:34am

15 months ago, STBX walked out on the marriage to be with a woman who was also walking out on her marriage. On Saturday, he'll be moving about 6 hours away to pursue another life (I mean...job). He still hasn't told our 4yo DS. DSs birthday is tomorrow (he'll be 4 tomorrow), so we don't want to tell him today or tomorrow. We've decided that we'll tell DS together on Tuesday; DS will see his daddy for a normal visit on Friday, and then STBX is gone.

So, how's the best way to handle this? STBX hasn't even established how or when he'll be visiting DS once he moves. (BTW, we are currently negotiating the divorce settlement.)

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 1:47pm

Unfortunately if you don't know specifics of what visitation will be after the move, it's going to be hard for you to prepare him.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 3:55pm

I've been lurking here for a while, but wanted to respond to your message as my situation relates (in an odd way) to yours.

My husband and I have recently separated (maritally, that is) though he's been on active duty in the US Army for the last 11 years. During the last 4 years (since Sept 2001) he's been deployed overseas 2 times for 11-12 months each time and is in his 3rd 12 month deployment. We have three children: dd1 will be 15 next month, dd2 is 7.5, and ds will be 5 in January. If you put the dates of his deployments with our son's age, you can see that my husband has lived in another country for almost 3 of ds's almost 5 years. You wouldn't be able to tell that from seeing them together, however.

We focus on the fact that dad's job is somewhere far away so that it will be a long time before they see him again. While he's away the kids draw him pictures/write letters and mail them to him. Each child has their own supply of address lables for themselves and their dad. I also keep a supply of large envelopes (for sending the multiple pictures that young kids always seem to draw) and stamps on hand to facilitate mailing the letters/pictures. I've set up an email address that is just for the kids (though I obviously have to help the younger ones to use it). He's also recently gotten a cell phone at his current location and they know that I can send him text messages on their behalf. He always responds to them.

You can't make your stbx respond to your child, obviously, but you can facilitate your child ability to reach out to his father until physical visitation becomes established.

It isn't easy when one parent lives away from the child, but their relationship doesn't have to be harmed by it. Best of luck to you all.

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 10:03am

Our situations are very similar. Ex just moved five hours away for a "job" and to be near OW. Our dd is 3 1/2 and hasn't really caught on that her daddy lives in another state. She talks to him just about everyday. He calls her at my sister's house because thats where she is during the day and she will talk on the phone better in the morning. Too sleepy at night. This has worked out well. Our visitation schedule is still a work in progress. Right now, he sees her every three weeks. This is a little bit rough on me because I don't ever get a break. It is also rough on dd because she really misses her dad. I gave up having her for Thanksgiving so that she could spend more time with him. We still don't have Christmas worked out and even when we do weather could change the whole plan.

While this works for us for right now, I wouldn't suggest it for long. DD is noticing that daddy isn't around and she can't see him very often so we will have to revisit the visits. As far as telling your ds, tell him the truth and that daddy will still see him and still loves him. That was all dd really needed. I still think she has no real idea what is happening but at least she is going with the flow.