Telling the kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Telling the kids
4
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 2:15pm

Some time ago I posted here about when to tell the kids. I am now here to post a warning.

I felt it was time to tell the children (11, 9, and 6) after the holidays. My STBX wanted to wait 'till we were closer to a physical separation. He quoted experts left and right and even when the mediator told him to his face that it was time to tell the children, he refused. Finally, he agreed to tell them but he wanted a couple of weeks to consult with his psychologist about creating a "script".

Fast forward, last night my 9 year old confronted me about what was going on - he had figured it out. The scene was ugly and painful for all involved (of course my stbx accused me of telling them).

The reality is that kids are smart and notice a lot more than we give them credit for. Don't do what I did!!!! If you're thinking about telling the kids - it's time. Waiting will just delay the inevitable and they will figure it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 1:12pm
actually hon, Im glad I told my kids (7 and 10)latr not sooner because whats wrong with delaying them from inevitable and painful reality. "ugly, pain,& tears" would have all still happenned just way sooner and hey, they would have had more of them by now plus more time of not being able to "fix" mom and dad. maybe they noticed stuff and were confused but wondring whats going on doesnt hurt half as bad as knowing your whole world is chnging when you dont want it to (no kid wants their family to change). nothing wrong with protecting them a littl longer. think about it.... the guy deserves some credit for thinking about whats best for his kids (mine is an idiot and had no input thankgod). he did them no harm,probably did good by them. also,if kids know too soon and things stay the same and mom & dad still live in the same house kids start thinking "things will work out". just different opinions i guess on whats best for kids. not jsut my opinion-- many child psychs agree and later is my advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 1:11pm

I actually told our kids.... EX wasn't involved, and I knew that he'd just be a basket of mess and make a difficult situation even tougher.


You're right.... kids are smart, and we can't lose sight of everything that's going on.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 3:44pm
My kids knew from the get go. (It took me a month from time of finding out about the other woman to filing for divorce) I told my kids right away. No tears or hoping or blaming. 11 year old, I think is hoping things will be better off. My STBX and I weren't getting along that great for the past 4 years. (we would have good moments and really bad moments) I called the school counselor to speak with him because he tends to hold things in. She said he was fine with everything. The five year old was so use to Dad not being around and as long as he has his brother, he is none the wiser. I had my kids involved in the house selection process and they are very excited about the impending move. I think you know your own kids and should go with your gut instinct with decisions affecting yourself and your children. I'm so sorry the scene was so ugly. Good Luck
Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2007
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 6:00pm

Hi there

I read this post thinking that I'd give you my details of what happened with my DD 2 nights ago. Just for background, I think a lot of the reason I've been postponing the inevitable is that I thought it would devastate my 10 year old DD. She is very attached to her dad and I thought she would hate me for breaking up the family. Since I've made the decision and told my STBX a month or so ago that I want to proceed with divorce, I've also been researching left and right on how to tell my DD. I've also got a 3 1/2 year old DS but am not that concerned about him.

Well, the other night I couldn't sleep, it turns out neither could my DD and she snuck into my room at 1am. I can't even remember how the conversation started but pretty much she asked me whether my H and I might get D. I didn't want to lie to her face even though my STBX wasn't there and so I sort of admitted we were thinking about it. She shed a few tears and then said that she hadn't wanted to say anything to me because she was worried I'd be upset but she's been thinking for ages that all of us would be happier if my H and I split. 2 hours later and we'd covered pretty much everything. I admitted that we would have to sell the house and that both her dad and I would be in small house but that I was going to make sure she stayed at her school and that her dad and I would share custody for them etc.

In the end, she was practically jumping out of her skin from excitment about our new lives with no fighting and what she only sees as happiness for us all in the future. She admitted that for months she's spent at least part of her lunch-time crying in the toilet at school worrying about our situation and also daydreaming at school worrying about it. She said she's wanted to talk to me for so long about these problems. I offered to get her a counsellor for her to talk through things with and then spoke to her after school carer yesterday afternoon because my DD had said she had spoken to her before about problems at home.

Last night my DD came home from school and said to me that she feels so much happier and closer to me and for the first time in a long time she had played with a friend all lunch-time instead of getting upset and going into the toilets to cry. Instead of feeling confused and scared she now has some hope and dreams for the future with happiness in store.

I am shocked but so happy that we had our talk and I'm feeling so much better about the whole thing too. I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes your kids will surprise you in how well-balanced and understanding of situations they are. And also, yes, they see and hear a lot more than what we think....

Good luck Greenlady and I hope that your children are able to reach a better place soon. I'm sorry they've taken the whole things so hard.

Hugs
Gayle