Telling the kids soon - can't sleep ....

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Registered: 09-01-2006
Telling the kids soon - can't sleep ....
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Wed, 12-27-2006 - 12:26pm

H and I agreed to split in the New Year (like many other posters on this board). Well the New Year is now days away and I cannot sleep in anticipation of breaking their little hearts. I am trying to focus on just having fun with them right now while they are oblivious to what is going on - but inside I am an absolute reck.

Everyone keeps saying kids are resiliant and I am sure that is true but bottom line we are wrecking the family unit in which they have felt so safe and secure in. The family that has helped them thrive. My stomache is in knots. I know their lives are in the palm of my hands right now. H chose to end things but at this point I agree that we just do not compliment each other for a number of reasons. His behaviour towards me is text book abuse - not physical but everything else and I just fell out of love with him a while ago I think. In the end I feel that there is a shot at a happier life for these two precious girls (4 & 2) but I know in their perfect world Mom and Dad are together forever.

They love their dad so much, but the part that will be really hard on them... and me... is being away from me. I work full time and they are both in daycare but aside from that, we are always together. My heart is aching so much... Is anyone else tormented about what the coming days will bring? I am literally sick to my stomache over this and trembling with nerves....

God I just hate this so much.... if only things could work out....

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs

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Registered: 09-01-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 12:15am
Bump - Hoping someone might have some encouraging words on this topic.....
Rosecolouredspecs
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Registered: 12-21-2006
Rose..........I am proof that staying with this abusive man even if its just verbally or emotionally is worse for your children. I stayed...in fact I couldnt get away. he was a good dad except the abuse toward me. I stayed for many many years........
and I have memories of their dad ridiculing me and making fun of me, leaving me out and all kinds of stuff. at times my kids would join in I mean they thought that was what you were spose to do.
Both my kids do have some issues stemming from this life with two parents who dont get along. They watched us fight like cats n dogs, watched us split, watched us be mean to each other, watched their dad on a daily basis treat me as a lesser person.
Rose you do not want to let your kids live the kind of life such as a bove if that is your case.
One of the most important things we need to teach our kids is what a loving marriage looks like. our kids follow us and do what we did. that is what we taught them by example.
I havent read your whole story but if this man is not good to you. if he belittles you or tells you he doesnt want you.....do not stay. Personally I think the bestest thing you can do for your kids is to get a divorce and live separately and they can then see you at your best. they wont see you treated badly, they wont suffer having to hear fights or problems. That would put so much fear in them. All this is my opinion. you have to do what you think best. but putting yourself first IS putting the kids first if it means they will not have to live with an abusive relationship!!
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Registered: 01-29-2005

Sitting down to tell our kids that we were divorcing was one of the hardest and most nerve wracking things I've ever done. The looks on their faces were just awful. This is something that is just simply not going to be fun. My ex and I sat down with the kids on the couch and just told them that mom and dad have not been getting along for quite some time and that we need to not live together anymore. It went from there. Just be sure to emphasize how much you both love them and that none of this is their fault. Tell them what will stay the same. Like you and they will all still be in the same house and they will still have their same bedrooms, but that dad won't sleep here anymore. Children fear the unknown, and divorce rocks their world so badly they need to know what will remain stable.

Take care and let us know how this goes.




Edited 12/29/2006 1:48 am ET by gwen227
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Registered: 11-28-2006

Hi!

We have shared our common ground on other posts. I have the 4 yo and 6 yo dds! And yes, I totally share your distress. May I recommend a book called "The Truth about Children and Divorce." Read it (and have your h read it) before you talk to the children. It gives very good advice and does not sugar coat the painful reality. Make sure you and H have a plan so that you can tell the children where Daddy will be, when they will see him etc. Make lots of time for them to come to you and ask questions/cry/worry etc. It won't happen all at once.

Personally, I am lobbying my h to meet with a child psychologist to make our plan. I need an objective expert to help us be honest and always put the kids' needs first (of course, if we were putting their needs first we would work harder on our marriage, but my h is not willing to do that -- selfish, self-absorbed).

If things go my way we will have several meetings with the child psych.; she will meet the kids and we will make our plan. Then we will meet with lawyers to make the finances and property division legal and separate. We met with one mediator I did not like. I want to use collaborative, but I think I mentioned that already. Anyway, I see this process taking three months at least if we are to do it right.

Don't know that that helps. I guess my point is; make sure you have a plan and don't rush the announcement until you are both clear about the kids.

That's the practical. The emotional is that I hate this; I think it is wrong; I know it will terribly wound the kids even if they do eventually survive and have adequate lives. I think the word resilient is a salve used by guilt-ridden parents and pro-divorce professionals. So, I am against it, but since I can't stop it, I am going to do everything I can to take care of them and me. It will be a huge struggle financially, emotionally and practically.

But, like you, I also know my h is very flawed and it may, in the end, be better for me to be on my own and maybe it will be better for the kids, although he is a great dad and they adore him.

Please let me know how you are doing and how "it" goes when the time comes.

So lets keep sharing and supporting!

M

Avatar for ericas_mom
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Registered: 03-30-2003

I know it's SO hard, but best to get it over with..then you won't be stewing anymore and have the knots in your stomach, etc. Man..it's so MUCH stress! When I first split with stbx, I couldn't sleep for days, and was sick to my stomach all the time. But it gets easier! I can now sleep w/out sleeping pills, and eat normally most of the time.


I have just finished a couple good books on surviving divorce and helping your kids through divorce. I can give you titles, if you like. They did help me. Also, all of the books I read advised both parents talking to the kids together at the same time. They say it's easier on them. You are fortunate if you have him availble to do that. I do not. Stbx and I are still basically not speaking.

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Hi Amy - I would love to have the names of the books that you would recommend. I am grasping at straws and want to consult as many resources as possible to figure out the best course of action under the circumstances. I am stressed to the max right now. H will want to be present when we tell the kids - I know no matter how we do it it is going to be really really hard. I can already picture my four yr old's quivering lip and look of complete devastation. H is planning on moving out on Sunday - but he has said that he doesn't want to tell the kids right away. I am ok trying to fudge things for a short while but it is going to be really hard when they are asking where is daddy and upset that he isn't at home to give them a cuddle before bedtime. I just hate this so much!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
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Registered: 10-16-2006

Reading your story, I felt that I needed to add my support to the other posters while you're dealing with this trying situation. I believe that it helps that your children are young -- I know that children are resilient and adaptable (mine are now 13 & 15).

My H & I will be telling our kids soon that we are divorcing (by mutual agreement -- we are separated but living in the same house, going through mediation). We know that our kids are very perceptive and intuitive, so it will both, not be a total shock to them, but then again, no kid 'likes' the idea that their parents are splitting up. Also, since our kids are older, there is nothing to be gained to keep 'pretending' and not tell them the truth about what's going on, even though we still have a long legal process ahead of us.

We plan to tell them together, emphasizing that we love them as parents, that it's not their fault & that H & I love each other, but not as husband & wife. In our case, no one is moving out until later in the process, but the kids will have two homes (total joint custody), so we will tell them what the 'plan' is, and advise them as things develop.

Usually the advice given by therapists is to not tell the kids until there is some 'news' that directly impacts them -- ie. someone is moving out. Like another poster said, in the end, the kids just want to know if they're going to the same school, have the same friends, the same bedrooms, etc., things that relate to their daily existence. It's not that they won't be concerned about the big issue of both parents not being there, but for your young ones, I would imagine that the concept is way too 'big' and abstract for them to 'understand' right now. Even with my kids, I don't expect them to truly 'understand' until they are older and have experienced more in their lives.

Is your H planning to spend 'special' time with the kids, regularly? This is the kind of reassurance that the kids need, in a concrete way, so they know what to expect.

For yourself, you may want to see a therapist -- you need an outlet to deal with this stress. Plus, it's always good to get advice on dealing with the kids. Just remember, keep positive -- everything will work out in the end. (No one is dying of a terminal illness or anything). I totally agree with what another poster said about setting an example for your kids -- both about healthy, loving marriages and being true to oneself and being strong. Also, we (& the kids) only know what we know & experience -- so that's how we live our lives, not someone else's idea of what life is.

Take care of yourself -- you need to be at your best and healthiest, so you can be the best parent possible! Keep strong!

Avatar for ericas_mom
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Registered: 03-30-2003

Don't tell them right away? WHY?? Did he give you any reason for that? What are you supposed to do-lie when they ask you questions? That's really hard. The first few weeks, while I was still making the decision to divorce, I had to be extremely careful what I told my daughter and how I answered her questions. That can be really stressful!


OK-the book I have on hand right now is called, "Surviving Separation and Divorce" by LoriAnn Hoff Oberlin. This is not really a "how to tell kids" book, but it is very empowering and enlightening for we moms. It has really great advice.


The best one I liked as far as the kids books was, "Helping Your Kids Cope With

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Thanks so much for the book titles.

He doesn't want to tell them anything because I think he thinks we can some how save this train wreck of a marriage. He refuses to go to counselling and he has some major issues including his complete in ability to control his anger. I want out at this point - i think we have to separate - there is no avoiding that at this point. he has our issues narrowed down to the kind o sex he wants to have that I just am not going to do. Our issues run much much deeper than that but he can't see the forrest through the trees so to speak. If he could own up to the role his horrendous behavious has played in the decline of our relationship and if he agreed to go to counselling - we might have a chance at saving this relationship - but, unfortunately, at this point I think there is too much water under the bridge. I am finished with pretending that being treated like an idiot is ok.

Thanks again Amy.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
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Registered: 12-28-2006

-----Personally, I am lobbying my h to meet with a child psychologist to make our plan. I need an objective expert to help us be honest and always put the kids' needs first (of course, if we were putting their needs first we would work harder on our marriage, but my h is not willing to do that -- selfish, self-absorbed)----

This is a great idea from a previous post. Hopefully, your H isn't as self-centered as hers, but go to a psychologist and ask for help. Don't do it alone. Also if family members --grandma, aunts, etc are around, they can be there for support too.

Also, if they have friends that have gone through divorce, it may help soften the blow to start bringing up the topic a little bit at a time. Say things like it's never the kids fault for a parent's divorce, and use a classmate/friend as an example. Or if mom and dad ever got divorced, we would always make sure we would keep you safe, etc.

Hope it helps.

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