Telling the Kids Tonight

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Telling the Kids Tonight
5
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 5:52pm
Stbx and I decided to tell the kids we are separating tonight. We have a "script" that we have prepared. We have an apt. that stbx will move into over the next couple of weeks and I will spend time there so he gets to spend weekends in the house with the boys--at least temporarily....
There is SO much to work out and I want to get a separation agreement drafted before stbx signs the lease on the apt. next Saturday. Even though stbx and I are on the same page about everything, and we are "friendly" for now, I know that will change as emotions are involved, etc.
Please wish me luck and think of me, if you see this. I will post when I can to let you know how it goes. Stbx and I have only mentioned this to our very closest friends (separately) and I am going to call my family this evening--but they all live in different states and I am not that close with them. Still, I know this is destined to be one of the most difficult days of my life.
Yesterday, I felt like "myself" for the first time in a VERY long time now that it looks as if we are finally going forward, this time. (We have been at this place off and on for over 4 years and could never get over the "telling the children" hurdle). Someday, I want to write my story as I think it would be beneficial for my boys to really understand what was the relationship between me and their father. We really got married to have kids and we have done a great job with them--and I know that will continue. We just have not done a great job with our M.
Fingers crossed.
-L
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2007
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 6:08pm
GL. This is going to be tough on everyone, including you. I hope you have a good support system, because it is so emotional. How old are your boys? My son is 14 and my daughter is 11. He hasn't dealt with any of this very well. My daughter tho is much happier, she hated the fighting. My divorce was final June 15 after 2 years of separation. We were married 16 years. I still have good and bad days, but I can say I am much happier.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 9:27pm

I hope that it goes as well as can be expected.

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 10:17pm

Hugs and prayers to you.

We told our children last weekend.

It was rough, but went much better, ultimately, than I ever expected. Still, we are only one week into it. He moves out next weekend while I take the girls out of town for a few days.

I hope it goes as best as can be. Maybe, like us, you will be fortunate, because you have both parented your boys well and you are doing this in a way that is as thoughtful of the boys as possible. I think you are the person who said you would try nesting; way to go!

I also wanted a separation agreement and parenting plan in place before stbx moved out. Didn't happen. Hope you can pull it off. We are still working on ours (I hate mediation; makes it drag on and on and on).

Please do tell us how it went and how ALL of you are doing.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 11:38pm
I survived!! The first of many hurdles....
Thanks to all of you for your responses, and M, sounds like we may have a parallell existence right now??
The oldest boy and youngest boy cried. My very articulate 17 year old, said, "WTF??" And, he knows he isn't supposed to curse! My middle boy sat there, emotionless. We hugged them all and told them over and over how much we both love them. We sat with them for about 30 minutes, mostly in silence except for some bursts from my oldest. Then, he said he had to get sick (we told them right after dinner--not a good idea....). Once #1 son left, the other boys retreated into their rooms. I went out to call my family and stbx stayed and talked with each of the boys.
We wrote a script that I will share here, when the dust settles since it might help others. Who knows?
The boys are downstairs watching Blood Diamond with my stbx. A totally inappropriate movie for my 11 year-old, but I am conceding for tonight. (I know, I know, I ought not make a habit of it....!). I don't feel like I need to be watching the movie with them. This is part of us "separating" and I am glad they are having the male-bonding time.
Today was hard, and the anticipation of today was almost as difficult, but I feel okay. Not good, mind you, and a little guilty for not being able to love my stbx the way that would allow us to go forward, but as good as possible.
Thanks for all of your support.
I will be back....And will look forward to all the wisdom of those of you on this board.
Thanks, again,
L
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 9:00am

Glad you made it through. It IS remarkably hard. I, too, felt the anticipation was grinding me down. The reality was brutal, but at least we knew what we were dealing with then. Phew, you have four to help; four unique personalities with unique relationships with you and your stbx. Wow! God bless you all! Hopefully, you and your stbx will have built in lots of time over this summer to allow for conversations as the kids need to have them.

Again, I commend you on the nesting approach and not disrupting the boys' lives -- this is a great approach.

It is interesting, too--I wrote up a "script" as well--called it that. I guess I could share mine -- it is pretty good, although, frankly, we didn't get too many paragraphs into it before we just had to scoop up two crying kids.

For other readers of these posts, who are thinking of their kids, may I recommend two really practical books that are helping me at this stage (early separation): Schneider. "Difficult questions kids ask about divorce" and "Helping your children cope with divorce"

Just last night I read a bit from the former title and realized my elder dd is "the child who acts as if it is the same as it always was" which means I need to help her find a way to express the bottled up feelings ...

Very very helpful stuff.

So, L -- hugs to you and your family. I will be thinking of you as your stbx and mine are both moving out (Well, I hope my stbx can get it together and actually *do* it).

M