Temp Custody order horrible...
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| Sun, 05-15-2005 - 11:49am |
Stbx and I had our Temporary Custody hearing this past week. I am so numb. I am not sure what I expected, but something very different than what was ordered. The lawyer I had, friends and acquaintances...all said I would probably be able to get a one week for each visitation schedule or something like that, a reasonable amount of child support, and perhaps spousal support since we had been married 15 years. That along with my starting back to work would allow me to take care of the children, and the kids would have a healthier two parents sharing life with them, rather than two living together in an unhealthy marriage. I have been at home for over 12 years 5 great children, 4 to 15. We have always homeschooled; and was 'asked' by the judge one month into the divorce process to continue hsing them until the Temporary Custody hearing, which I have. I have funded the lawyer I had with cc's mainly. A temporary child support order was put in place two months ago; stbx has paid it, but in small increments and two to three weeks behind. It would have to be a full 30 days behind before I can get the DA's office to begin enforcement on that. I found an apartment for the children and I and it has been very close financially as you can imagine trying to pay everything.
Stbx has family business and his parents owned our home. He did not want the divorce, forbid it and his parents have/are helping him of course through all this. He wanted me to sign full custody to him right away, but I said no, that I would try my best to be fair, and that I think the children need both of us in their life. His parents sold the house in a distress sale, and I had temporary physical custody of the children so we were evicted on March 9th. His parents initially thought I would just give the children to him at that point I think. He changed our divorce case from what I had filed which was: No Fault, and offering him 50-50 or as near to it as possible in a parenting plan, and a very fair distribution of current property and debts, which are both minimal. Stbx fired his first lawyer after 5 weeks of the process, and also used his option of having the judge we had assigned to us 'recused'. He said she was showing bias and was a feminist. Getting a judge recused is legal I guess, I was told both sides have the option of doing it once. The lawyer I had at the time said he had very rarely seen it done though. Stbx changed the case to suing me for full Custody, and says he needs to move/relocate the family business to another state. So now it is headed to a trial for full physical custody/joint legal as a Move Away case. A 730 Family Psychological Eval was completed on all of us. The psychologist was very professional, seemed kind and was really great with our children. Both stbx and I came out with 'norm' levels on the testing aspects of it, and it was stated that the children are bonded to and love us both. Basically it said we are both good parents, and the main thing noted by the psychologist is that stbx has family resources as well as a strong financial position, and I have no living family members and have been out of the workforce for a long time.
I love my kids so much, but I am not sure anymore what I am putting them through is the best choice. I know there is nothing in divorce that is good for them. But I have wanted to make whatever best choices there are in their behalf. I did not want his or his family's money, or to take the children away from him. (*A little background on it: Our relationship fractured after the diagnosis of our next-to-youngest son with an onset of Regressive Autism at the age of 14 months. We could not agree on counseling even: I wanted a certified/licensed psychologist or family counselor, he wanted specifically a preacher or pastor from a church to counsel us.) I tried to stay til our youngest was old enough for school. This past year was so tough. I know it sounds weak, but I just couldn't take his strict, controlling, judgementalism anymore. I wanted to get the divorce, and find out why I allowed myself to be 'erased' so I could get myself healthy again, but to help the children through it and help them to have as much of both their father and mother as possible. I know a decision about divorce when you have children is mostly selfish. I don't believe any longer though that a bad marriage relationship is great for the children to live in or model after either.
I had a good lawyer to begin with; he only charged me half the price of his normal fees and retainer, but he decided he could not continue, primarily because it turned into a full custody case and I was paying with CC's (so far almost $9k) and would not be able to continue much longer with the payments I think. I have called dozens of attorney offices; no one will take my case. There are some really super people out there who are lawyers, they have asked questions, and listened to my case history, but they are trying to earn a living too I guess, and a full custody case is very time consuming. I went to the Temporary Custody Hearing without representation, as I had still not found anyone to represent us (*with the former child support order, we could not qualify for the County Legal Aid program, because we made 'too much' money in those two months, *sigh.) Paralegals here can fill out forms etc, but not represent you in court in anyway, and that is about all I could possibly afford right now.
Since I filed, I have had physical custody with joint legal, and stbx had the children on every other weekend, and every Tuesday and Thursday also. The following is the official Temporary Custody order:
-Joint legal, joint physical.
-Mother has children Monday through Friday, 7:30 pm through overnight and until 4 pm the next weekday.
-Father picks children up at 4 pm and has visitation til 7:00 pm every weeknight.
-If the friday is an even numbered date, father has that full weekend visitation from 4 pm on Friday until 7 pm that Sunday.
-If the friday is an odd numbered date, the father has the children from Friday at 4 pm until Saturday evening at 7 pm.
-Mother has children on the alternate of above described days/evenings.
-The minor children have had a lawyer appointed to their case, who will exclusively represent their interests. He has full legal access to the children at any time, and full legal right to request any and all records related to the children in the possession of the parents, or any institution/organization, including but not limited to medical records, school information, and recreational-related activities,etc.
-The amount of child support was set for $1200 per month for the five children and a stipend spousal support was allowed of $100. If child care is necessary, each parent shall pay for half, as well as half of all non-insurance covered medical and dental care necessary for children.
-Both parents are ordered within 10 days to enroll in a local extended parenting program at their own cost.
-Both parents are ordered within 30 days to begin individual counseling with a fully credentialed psychologist at their own cost.
-Children must be enrolled within 30 days in a program of therapy for children of divorce.
I know I am being emotional right now. I understand the judge/courts are trying to do what is best for the children, not the parents. But I just can't grasp this judgement. I also know for many of you moms the amount of child support I have may seem like a lot. But there are five children, one of which is Autistic, and only one of whom does not need child care, and it is summer time. Obviously I have been out of the job market for a long time. While I am sure I can get a waitress or entry level administrative job fairly quickly, that will not be anywhere near sufficient to take care of the children with, pay rent (live in southern California), basic utilities and half of child care, or to make payments on my legal debt of course. With the way the judge set up the visitation, I cannot see how I could get to and from a day job, get the children from daycare and get to a second evening job to help make additional money with him only having them from 4 pm to 7:30. If he keeps them longer, he will pay even less child support of course.
His lawyer (who is from a very prestigious firm in this area, and whose fees are in the $400.00 an hour range) is very high pressure with me, and very condescending of course. He called three times Friday and stbx twice; they want me to meet with them to 'work out a few things'. I don't want to. I know I have to now though. I so hate the idea that I am giving up; but I literally don't know what else, if anything, I can do. I cannot even think. I am in a lease until November 30th at this apartment, so I cannot move out. I took over a month looking for a place for us, and non-lease apartments are far and few between and cost a lot more than the same apartment at market cost in our area. We are not living the high life, just rent, basic utilities and we do have cable t.v., and an internet connection, but - everything is just so expensive here of course.
The way this order is set up, it does not in anyway cut into stbx's ability to continue at his business, he has flexibility anyhow, since he manages his parents business...he can basically set his own hours, or make up lost hours as he sees fit, and this judge is quite aware of our whole case thus far.
I guess I am at the brick wall now. I will have to give in to stbx's demands for signing over custody. I don't want them to feel like I quit, that I gave them up or deserted them. They will though. They love him, but want to have both of us of course. He does love them. I know that. His family has never had divorce in it, he is an ultra-conservative and doesn't believe in it, and does not want the kids to have very much of a connection with me because I have chosen a path that is not pleasing to God, (divorce is supposedly never an alternative etc.)
I can't do much more now. If I go to sign up for government assistance here, and get public housing, half-subsidy for child care etc., the usual process is to take any child support and give it to the county to off-set their assistance to us, which is understandable. How will I provide for five children on an entry level job and county aid? I know many moms do it, but I somehow can't quite figure it out with five children. Then how will I afford to pay my half for the ordered psychologist, the ordered parenting class or the children's counseling for divorced kids?
I know I have to keep finding my own voice. But also,to keep making the best decisions I can for the kids, not myself. But I don't see anymore good answers. Though I know if I had to choose all over again, I still could not have kept on in my marriage, I was at the end of all I could take. But some of you may be stronger, perhaps some of you moms out there trying to decide about leaving would want to know that the 'system' is not always really fair, or to put it another way, even if the way it plays out is fair, it may just not be doable. In seeking a divorce, the cost might very well be too high a personal cost. Be blessed in your circumstances, and thanks for the tips and suggestions you gave to me over these months. Anna

ITA with firstamendment. Please don't give up, hon. Your kids need you to help preserve their sanity - heaven knows your stbx won't. He wants dominance, or else he would be working with you, not trying to torture you into submission. In hhis mind, he is god.
Keep looking for every resource available. Energy assistance, fuel assistance, food stamps (you should be very eligible for that). If you're thinking about school, there might be money available for living expenses. Have you applied for Section 8 (housing subsidy) yet? There may be a domestic abuse preference, and I'm sure you're rent-burdened. Look into every legal assistance agency that serves your area. Call a domestic abuse shelter and ask to meet with an advocate. They have a wealth of information.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, but remember these are temporary orders. Those can be amended both before and during the finalization. He doesn't have to support you and it is difficult and risky for us as single parents, but give this fight your all. You have done so much by just getting out. Be very proud of yourself.
I just want to SPIT i am SO MAD for you!
I'm spittin' too!!!!
I agree with your other responders, DON'T GIVE UP!!!
Remember, your temporary custody order is just that, TEMPORARY. I agree with rlch-splitting the day like that is nutso--especially for an autistic child. And you don't have to agree with your ex or his attorney just to keep the peace. Trust your gut instinct. If you give up custody, you run a huge risk of parental alienation, given your ex's attitude. Can your minister help? I can't believe even a priest would tell a loving involved mother to walk away from her children.
Keep looking for resources. Is there a media hungry attorney looking for pro bono work (advertising)? In my state the ex can be forced to pay for an unemployed spouse's legal fees. You can represent yourself...the judges in family court are experienced, they usually see the real truth.
You have my sympathy--I'm currently in a custody battle with my rich, control-freak ex. If it weren't for my Mom's generosity and financial wherewithal, I'd be so sunk! I found explanations in a book called Controlling People by Patricia Evans.
Are your kids worth fighting for?
You may be stronger than you give yourself credit for...
Hugs from
Cupcake