Temp order--They get to go to school!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Temp order--They get to go to school!!
5
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 9:58am

Oh my gosh - I cannot tell ya'll how very encouraging it has been to be able to read here and learn some tips, and get emails and posts from people who don't know me, but who have such compassion.

The idea that some of you would offer a little money to help is so overwhelming. I know there are momma's in our ivillage community who are facing really big mountains too. I don't really know how to set up a paypal account...and it wouldn't be appropriate. I do know I have to accept help if I can find any here in my city; but what neighbors or friends can do for you if you have five sweet and rowdy children is a little different than helping out a mom with two great kiddo's. The kind of help you all have already given has been really, really core deep. Thanks so very much - Big hugs.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I got the temp order in the mail; I was so nervous I didn't even open it last night. This morning I just read it: The Judge INCLUDED IN IT: THE NEW WEEK ON, WEEK OFF AGREEMENT AND THAT THE KIDS ARE TO BE ENROLLED IN THE SPECIFIC PUBLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL THAT IS NEAR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the judge specifically wrote the 50-50 arrangement is to be one full week alternating at each parents home and with one three hour visit mid-week with the other parent. The wording does highlight this is temp to the trial and in no way should be construed to mean what the eventual custody will be, but I am SO very thankful to have just one or two things go the right way for the kids.

Unfortunately he included that while daycare has to be paid for/split between the two of us, the wording also says I must have the joint approval for the daycare with other parent. My youngest is 4, turning 5 the last week of this month. The ex refuses to agree to any childcare provider I have submitted. What can I do? How have those of you who had to change to a different daycare or begin a new one - how did you get the other parent to work with you on the hours/arrangement/approval? I think this part is impossible.

I want to work on each issue and challenge and not let the fear take over; but I can not figure everything out. I think my little four year old can actually be placed into kindergarten because the rule is they just must be 5 by Dec of that school year; but I am not sure how they would address him coming in mid year like this; and kindergarten is only half day here also. So my daycare difficulty with him is how ex is going to keep hassling me. In addition, the kids have half days only every single Wednesday. I guess its because of funding/teacher inservice days or something, anyhow they get out at 1:35 every Wednesday. I have no idea how single moms can get that much daycare for their children...I guess though I am forgetting that some momma's have family nearby that can help keep the children or pick up and drop off etc.

I went to my department head at work and submitted a written request to have shortened work hours for a finite period so that I could take the kids to school and be there after school because I can't get after care without the ex approving that either. There is a playground program at each elementary, but my special needs child could not be included and there is one full academic year waiting list to get into that. My company hasn't answered yet about whether they will work with me on this and let me work three-fourths time or something. I don't think they will approve it; it would cause problems with other employees who also have difficulties and would like to rearrange their hours but, I thought it was worth a try.

I will have to resign so that I can care for my 4 year old for these next weeks through the actual court trial which is January 9. I guess I will tell my boss I have to quit, go to Social Services and try to get all that paperwork going if I can qualify for anything like food stamps or welfare if I do not have a job - but since I have them only 50% legal/physical, do not think I will get the norm assistance.

I have asked a couple of former neighbors if I could store some boxes of our kitchen stuff and clothes in their garage, so I am going to start packing and moving some stuff over so we won't lose everything. They don't have much space but will keep some stuff for us. I have to try and find a shelter that allows children over 12 which is proving to be hard so far. His lawyer said during the hearing that they are in the 'process' of contacting my apt management to ascertain whether my lease can be broken since I will have the children 100% of the time for 7 days at a time, and its only a two bedroom apartment. The management knew when I moved in that I had five children and was going through a divorce and custody suit, but that they weren't here 100% of the time, so that was all they asked and I got approved. I am sure that its sort of like as long as its not brought up they don't care, but it is a huge complex, corporate-owned, and its most likely if his lawyer calls and makes it an issue that they will tell me I have to move.

The ex's parents have submitted pay stubs/checks back to May that 'prove' he only makes $7 per hour (even though he made $57,000. - 71,000.00 annually the past five years; but then they also made his 401-K 'disappear', the lease to own house we paid on for 14 years suddenly became a 'rental' all that time, etc). Yes, I knew when I finally got up enough courage to say I was divorcing him, that it would be divorcing the family kingdom, not just him.

So now instead of the kids and I getting any arrearages, its being held up - the Child Support Agency has been contacted by his attorney and they are counter-charging me (I make $15.50 per hour, which is great for having been at home for over 13 years and having only a high school education, but it isn't much in the area I live). His lawyer says I make twice as much as ex and now I have to or they are going to try to convince the Child Support Agency and the court to make me pay him arrearages; I can't imagine how I will do that and deal with any of this, but I am just concentrating on today and tomorrow and will fight each battle the best I can. I don't seem able to fight any of them very effectively, but I will be the little blue engine, and keep keeping on. Simple is best right now, and the simplest level I can handle is one challenge at a time.

I really, really hate that I have to quit a really good job but I have no other options. He seems not to want a daycare provider, but rather prefers one of the large, 'official daycare' centers. He won't pay his half, says he can't and that he will reimburse at months end so I would have to pay it upfront, and I can't either.

So today I have to make the choice to try to get help from the 'system', whatever that means. I find it difficult to face. If I do not have a home for them to visit me, if I find a shelter for the older son and myself, or an inexpensive motel type room, then ex will find a way to not 'let' me have visitation because he will state it isn't safe etc., - and when the court trial comes up the judge will have to say 'well Mom, you couldn't even take care of them for your weeks on.' So then how will he set custody to me permanently seeing I don't have a job anymore, am on food stamps and whatever else and have no apartment anymore? I have to stop worrying about what if's, there are too many. I will go talk to the school principal, explain to her the father has the birth cert's and I request to enroll them contingent on when I get my next paycheck Wednesday that I will go to the courthouse to buy duplicate copies. I will have to hope they let me sign a waiver for their vaccinations, as he must agree for me to get those up to date, and he will not of course, or will delay it. Not having a lawyer I cannot just have him march in to the court and file a motion to show the judge these things ex is doing to frustrate the process of daycare/school etc. I can go and file a motion on my own if I can find the money, but I have tried not to take anymore off work than necessary. I guess if I don't have a job and don't have an apartment, I will have plenty of time to go to that courthouse and file motions.

For right now, I get to have my sweet ones for a whole week at a time!!!!! My rent is paid for this month. I haven't had them more than two nights or two days consecutively at a time since June; I am so tickled even for this brief respite. I pray the little ones will make the transition to a structured school environment without too many fears and insecurities. One daughter very much wants to go, the other older one is worried and he has played on that and convinced her that they are 'behind' academically and that school is just a 'glorified lower class baby sitting factory' etc. I hope she gets an outstanding teacher and can begin to enjoy learning again. She is really good in reading, and I think that will help her, despite the crud ex has been feeding her in a negative way.

I must find a place to live that is affordable and that will allow five children. There are some less expensive apartments in other cities, but I won't be able to come up with a deposit. The H.U.D./Section 8 Housing List opened up this month for Cali., I signed up on it; as some of you may know the waiting list is literally from 1 year to 5 years. I am a veteran, so I think that might give us a few extra 'points' and maybe bump us up a little on the list; but with so many unfortunate families in an urban area, its a very crowded list.

I can't communicate with him at all; he won't, not that I want to anyhow. But he just tells me what he wants, but won't answer the phone or emails etc. So I guess I will just make decisions and then wait for him to foil them; nothing I can do to pre plan anything not knowing what he is going to pull next. The judge included an order for us to sign up at some sort of internet site that is for parents to leave messages/communicate things about the children on. I do not have an active credit card though so don't think I can sign up for it. He said we must register within ten days. Its called Ourfamilywizard.com - do any of you use it?

I was called at work by a cc collections person. I explained my situation, who I had contacted at the company starting back in September, how I had never missed any payments or been even late with one prior to that month etc. He said the ex contacted them/forwarded them a police report. The ex has reported to the cc companies that I applied for the cards fraudulently - just using the cards to finance the divorce and fully planned to never pay them. I totally spazzed out. I told the guy as calmly as I could, I applied so I could get credit in my name, yes we are going through a divorce, but I had no foreknowledge of what was to happen during the months of that process, that I made my payments fine until the crises started, mainly because the ex would not pay cs on any regular or full basis etc.

Anyhow...I can only do what I can do. I asked him not to call me at work anymore. He said well you don't seem real concerned, and I can see that you still have a cell phone active - that is a luxury, so you must not be very bad off. I find it harsh the way he treated me, but other than what I have done, there is nothing more I can do. I fully want to pay those bills, I have never been in this kind of situation before; but I am trying. My offer of $25 a month til the custody was finished - he said don't bother, that won't even cover the interest. Anyhow, I am sure that is not the last vile thing the ex is going to be doing in order to make himself look better and try to find ways for me not to be able to have/keep our children. I hope I cannot be put in jail by the cc companies before the custody trial in January.

My ex has made this a war for no reason; but then everything that is wrong in his life was my fault or I affected it in some way. He is a warrior Christian knight who rides a white horse, had no idea that there was anything amuck in his kingdom, out of the blue had a wife who wanted a divorce for no reason, who had everything in the universe any woman could want and all she had to do in return was to follow a few simple rules, just be the happy-to-be-submissive woman that he deserves and life was just peachy.

All I wanted was to divorce him and get healthy; for the children to have an ongoing and meaningful relationship with both of us, separately. He chose to make this a Move Away case and he will not come live in the universe most of us reside in. He is trying to keep his kingdom intact, that magical place where he is thought all-wonderful by everyone when his front door is open, and where he can transform into his dark self when the front door closes. I wish he would just let me go.

I want to end this on a positive note - Try hard Momma's. Do your best. Be kind, learn how to be strong. Try to replace hate and pain with joy and tenderness. If we are strong, but caring, good will come to us. I am trying to hold on to that, I must. This incredible community of 'strangers' is more caring than some in my day to day life - the ones who ask "Why didn't you leave sooner?" Thanks to you all so, so much...Peace, Annah.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 10:51am

Hey.... I got you e mail, but when I replied it bounced back to me.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2005
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 11:03am

Annah...


They get to go to school!!!!!!! woohoo!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 11:39am

Annah, I just wanted to piont out one thing - if your son has supposedly been in homeschool this academic year, the school district will in all likelihood treat

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 4:22pm

"the wording also says I must have the joint approval for the daycare with other parent."

I think that in most legal proceedings, there is a certain amount of cooperation expected from BOTH sides. If you have offerred up a good, reasonable number of daycare options, but he has refused every one... AND you are in immediate need of daycare (or you will lose your job) then it will probably be acceptable to put the kids into one of the daycares you named temporarily until a joint decision can be made. Seriously, if you offer four locations and he refuses every one, and he offers only locations that neither of you can afford (since he says he is more poor than you) then nothing and no one can stop you from saving yourself and your job by putting the kids into a temporary situation awaiting further discussion. Perhaps your GAL could tell you if I am way off base here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 10:39pm

iV *is* in INCEDIBLE community, you are so right.


I dont know your story, but i am so happy you have a victory for your children. Hang in there!

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