Terrified, heartbroken, basketcase

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2005
Terrified, heartbroken, basketcase
9
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 11:56pm

I am new here. My husband and I have been married 9 years and have three little boys, and my husband has a son from marriage #1. Step son lived with us for about 15 months and it was hell on wheels. (long story). He has moved back to his Bio Moms. DH says he is "not happy" "not in love with me anymore" "doesn't know what he wants" bla bla bla.....one day he wants to divorce the next he doesn't know. He is not mean to me just indifferent most of the time. No affection toward me.... refuses counseling.... thinks divorce is the best thing. I love him, I am devestated at the thought of divorce, of losing my marriage, hurting my babies, losing my home.....
I don't know what to do but I am either always taking his temperature..."are you happy yet? Do yo love me now?" or I withdrawl. I can't stand living this way anymore but I don't want a divorce so I just let him string me along. I am becoming severely depressed. Where will I go? How can I tell my kids we are losing our home? I just redecorated their rooms and we put a pool in that they live for! This will crush them. When I crunch numbers we will be working poor apart. He thinks I will just hand him the kids 50-50. I have no intention of doing that. He thinks I am saying that to use the kids as pawns...I just don't think it is good for them so little to be shuffled back and forth and that they need ONE home base. I would never try to keep him from visitation.
This is earthshattering. I never in a million years thought this would be us.....
Please help me...I am going crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 4:00am

hi and hugs....


deep breathe honey.


first of all - let me tell you that things will work out in the end. i promise you. it may not be exactly the life you envisioned for yourself 20 years ago - but it will work out, your kids will be ok, and you will be fine. promise.


it will take patience, faith, support, and some, well, shall we say growing some "cojones" on your part. i don't know if you will lose the house or not, i don't know if moving from this house will be the worst thing that can happen to you (probably not!), but i do know that you need to start putting your foot down, and DEMANDING some answers, in fact you need to start STATING what YOU want. its fine and dandy that your husband is dithering back and forth - but *this* is driving you mad, and in turn its bad for your children ("when momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy") so - *this* situation (this limbo)

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 11:34am

I know just what you are going through. Four years ago my stbx came home one day with the same kind of news, didn't love me, wasn't attracted to me blah blah.. He was "in love" with someone from work who didn't want anything to do with him and wasn't I a big B for not feeling sorry for him. I was given a laundry list of things he needed me to change in order for him to fall in love with me. They were all physical things, I did them I worked so hard on our marriage only to seperate two more times after that. He and I became officially seperated the first week of January. I've never been happier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2005
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 2:01pm
Thank You. I really mean it. I am slowly dying inside. I am going to consult an attorney. Actually, my Dad is a retired family law lawyer. I just cannot bring myself to even let him know things are bad. I will be here as often as I can. I can't get on from work but will try to be here as I can.......again, thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 9:19am

Hi... I just wanted to say "Welcome to the board", although I'm always sad when someone new finds their way here.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 12:36am

I know the panic you are feeling..but knowledge is power. Talk to your dad or if your not comfortable with that another lawyer. Once you are better educated you will feel better.
My stbx and I were married for 10 years we have 3 small children I too felt the panic when he decided he "didn't love me anymore because I didn't make him feel good"
When he left he threatened many things financially. When I saw a lawyer I found out that he was lying. He has been gone for 8 mos..has a serious relationship..it still hurts but it is getting better.
Another thing to think about is counselling..it has been a godsend for me..he refused to go..but I went anyway and made him pay for it (guilt is a wonderful thing)
Even though everyone will tell you it will get better, it wont feel like it for a while but we are all stronger than we think.
For a while I thought the whole marriage was a mistake..but I look at my wonderful kids and see what I have reaped from this relationship.

Take a deep breath and you will get through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 11:24am
Odd, but today I feel like "You want a divorce, let me help you pack"....
I talked with a real estate attorney who confirmed that DH (does not stand for darling husband in this scenario) would not get half our equity in this house since it was my former home, owned only by me that paid for the big dumb house we have now. Jerk.
I am sure I will go through a multitude of emotion but today the best I can do is with a wave of my hand in the air and a "whatever"...
I think PMS is enhancing my less than friendly attitude today. I have this look about me that says "Don't even look at me, in fact, don't even THINK about me!"
I know that many of you have joint custody with your exes so I do not wish to offend when I say "over my dead or badly beaten body" will I agree to that. It will have to be forced upon me and I will fight him to the end. Today, I cannot believe I actually "groveled" when he said he wanted a divorce. If my dad knew he would flip!
As I was growing up he constantly told me "Don't you ever take and crap off of anyone! ESPECIALLY A MAN!!!" I can't even remember the number of times he said this to me...
But today, he is old and soft, and worries incessantly about me and I just cannot bring myself to tell him what is going on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 2:55pm
It is completely against my nature, and people who know me would be amazed, but it's true: I grovelled. And for my DD's sake, I would do it again. I would do anything for her, and I know she wanted her Dad and I together. It also helps my sense of myself to know that I did everything, tried everything, and was always faithful to the vows. It removes some of the... guilt?... or uncertainty?... when you have to say to people, "I am divorced." I know I gave it my all, so although it failed, I don't feel like a failure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 10:52pm
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I do know how you are feeling. On Sept. 11th, my husband told me the passion was gone, we had nothing in common and he loved me but not in love anymore. I have been married to him for 13 yrs and together 18. I too am devestated and sick because he and my daughter are everything to me. We were together since the age of 21 and 23. He is now changing his tune since I filed for D. Now he wants to work things out but I know it is only b/c he fears losing a lot of $$$ in the D b/c he has mentioned losing $$ to friends and family. He has an alcohol problem and claims to have had flings since he has known me. I cried and cried so much that I think I am now numb. Everyone tells me I need to get angry and I am sure that after our first hearing on Nov. 2nd I will see a side to him that I have never seen when the attorneys talk about child support and financials. I thought I'd never stop sobbing and still on occasion I cry but only for a few minutes. I know I'll cry on and off but I am much stronger than I ever thought because I have been staying busy. I know financially I will be okay too so that does help, but my heart is torn apart and that will take years to heal. Even with all he has done to me, I find myself craving him and wanting to be with him but I know that I can't and that is when I get teary-eyed because my love for him is still strong. Eventually,you will get stronger with time. I promise, you will , but it will be difficult. I sobbed for days and didn't think I could go on without him. I am very scared of what my future holds and afraid to be without him and afraid to start over in my forties. I never in a million years would have thought we'd be where we are today. In January, we moved into a new home in a new town. We added a pool and huge barn just a few months ago and we were talking about our daughter graduating from the highschool. We even spoke about our future where we would retire and such. This was a few weeks before our seperation. Now, my daughter and I are living alone in this big empty house. It just makes me sick that he is doing this to us. One of my friends said it is like he is throwing his family away. As far as the 50/50 child support, my husband wants that too and I know why. He doesn't want to pay full child support. He has never been a care giver for our daughter. He spends money to make up for lost time and for his guilt of not spending enough time with her. I just had a sister go through a similar situation 50/50 custody and depending on the state you live in, I live in Texas, and was told that no judge will give 50/50 custody until the child is at least 11 yrs old and that would probably be if the child wanted it too, but younger children should be in one place. It seems too confusing for the younger children and I really don't think he has a chance. My husband wouldn't know what to do if he had to keep her for one night, much less half the year. He has only watched her a number of times that I can count and it was only an hour here or a few hours there, but not a whole day or overnight. That would be too daunting for him.
Just know that you are not alone and things will get easier as time goes by. You will be okay and you will survive even when you think you can't. You have to know that you will. Also, keep writing in to the message boards, it has really helped me to read others stories and get advice for others who have been where we are. Always know that you are not alone. Feel free to email me if you ever need to talk.
Hugs,
Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 11:18pm
its amazing to me how many stories are soo similar...ours are so close it hurts..
my stbx was telling me he loved me a week before he left..was buying me presents..guilt probably..child situation is the same although I have 3 children under 8...my ex has already found "the one"..a 25 yr old ..with no responsibilities..
I too still cry..but it is getting easier..slowly