Terrified, heartbroken, basketcase
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| Sat, 10-22-2005 - 11:56pm |
I am new here. My husband and I have been married 9 years and have three little boys, and my husband has a son from marriage #1. Step son lived with us for about 15 months and it was hell on wheels. (long story). He has moved back to his Bio Moms. DH says he is "not happy" "not in love with me anymore" "doesn't know what he wants" bla bla bla.....one day he wants to divorce the next he doesn't know. He is not mean to me just indifferent most of the time. No affection toward me.... refuses counseling.... thinks divorce is the best thing. I love him, I am devestated at the thought of divorce, of losing my marriage, hurting my babies, losing my home.....
I don't know what to do but I am either always taking his temperature..."are you happy yet? Do yo love me now?" or I withdrawl. I can't stand living this way anymore but I don't want a divorce so I just let him string me along. I am becoming severely depressed. Where will I go? How can I tell my kids we are losing our home? I just redecorated their rooms and we put a pool in that they live for! This will crush them. When I crunch numbers we will be working poor apart. He thinks I will just hand him the kids 50-50. I have no intention of doing that. He thinks I am saying that to use the kids as pawns...I just don't think it is good for them so little to be shuffled back and forth and that they need ONE home base. I would never try to keep him from visitation.
This is earthshattering. I never in a million years thought this would be us.....
Please help me...I am going crazy.

hi and hugs....
deep breathe honey.
first of all - let me tell you that things will work out in the end. i promise you. it may not be exactly the life you envisioned for yourself 20 years ago - but it will work out, your kids will be ok, and you will be fine. promise.
it will take patience, faith, support, and some, well, shall we say growing some "cojones" on your part. i don't know if you will lose the house or not, i don't know if moving from this house will be the worst thing that can happen to you (probably not!), but i do know that you need to start putting your foot down, and DEMANDING some answers, in fact you need to start STATING what YOU want. its fine and dandy that your husband is dithering back and forth - but *this* is driving you mad, and in turn its bad for your children ("when momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy") so - *this* situation (this limbo)
I know just what you are going through. Four years ago my stbx came home one day with the same kind of news, didn't love me, wasn't attracted to me blah blah.. He was "in love" with someone from work who didn't want anything to do with him and wasn't I a big B for not feeling sorry for him. I was given a laundry list of things he needed me to change in order for him to fall in love with me. They were all physical things, I did them I worked so hard on our marriage only to seperate two more times after that. He and I became officially seperated the first week of January. I've never been happier.
Hi... I just wanted to say "Welcome to the board", although I'm always sad when someone new finds their way here.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I know the panic you are feeling..but knowledge is power. Talk to your dad or if your not comfortable with that another lawyer. Once you are better educated you will feel better.
My stbx and I were married for 10 years we have 3 small children I too felt the panic when he decided he "didn't love me anymore because I didn't make him feel good"
When he left he threatened many things financially. When I saw a lawyer I found out that he was lying. He has been gone for 8 mos..has a serious relationship..it still hurts but it is getting better.
Another thing to think about is counselling..it has been a godsend for me..he refused to go..but I went anyway and made him pay for it (guilt is a wonderful thing)
Even though everyone will tell you it will get better, it wont feel like it for a while but we are all stronger than we think.
For a while I thought the whole marriage was a mistake..but I look at my wonderful kids and see what I have reaped from this relationship.
Take a deep breath and you will get through.
I talked with a real estate attorney who confirmed that DH (does not stand for darling husband in this scenario) would not get half our equity in this house since it was my former home, owned only by me that paid for the big dumb house we have now. Jerk.
I am sure I will go through a multitude of emotion but today the best I can do is with a wave of my hand in the air and a "whatever"...
I think PMS is enhancing my less than friendly attitude today. I have this look about me that says "Don't even look at me, in fact, don't even THINK about me!"
I know that many of you have joint custody with your exes so I do not wish to offend when I say "over my dead or badly beaten body" will I agree to that. It will have to be forced upon me and I will fight him to the end. Today, I cannot believe I actually "groveled" when he said he wanted a divorce. If my dad knew he would flip!
As I was growing up he constantly told me "Don't you ever take and crap off of anyone! ESPECIALLY A MAN!!!" I can't even remember the number of times he said this to me...
But today, he is old and soft, and worries incessantly about me and I just cannot bring myself to tell him what is going on.
Just know that you are not alone and things will get easier as time goes by. You will be okay and you will survive even when you think you can't. You have to know that you will. Also, keep writing in to the message boards, it has really helped me to read others stories and get advice for others who have been where we are. Always know that you are not alone. Feel free to email me if you ever need to talk.
Hugs,
Lisa
my stbx was telling me he loved me a week before he left..was buying me presents..guilt probably..child situation is the same although I have 3 children under 8...my ex has already found "the one"..a 25 yr old ..with no responsibilities..
I too still cry..but it is getting easier..slowly