Thank you! More advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Thank you! More advice please
10
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 3:19pm

WOW!!! Thank you so much to everyone who responed to my post (new here). I had a really crappy weekend with a pouting husband. Coming to work this morning he called and wanted to talk tonight because he has alot on his mind. I really don't want to hear what he has to say. I know thats bad but really I know that its going to be a one sided conversation and it will be all about him. He told me on the phone that one of the things that is bothering him is that when he is at work I don't call to check on him because thats what he does for me. I Work just as much as he does and I really don't have time to call him everyday. I just felt like he is being really needy and selfish.

His big thing is that he trys his best to be a better person then he resents me for not acting the way he wants me to act. Then any little thing goes wrong he blows up.

He wants to talk tonight but "I shouldnt get upset"! Who is he to tell me how I should feel? I don't want to bring up the fact that I'm planning on a divorce and I know that if I respond with the way I've been feeling I will probably tell him. I know that I need to be very careful about my plans (he is a cop) and I know that things can go very wrong and he knows that he has the upper hand.

I'm not sure how to handle this talk tonight. I am very emotional right now and just writing this post I feel very phyiscally sick.

Any advice on how to handle tonight would be greatly appreciated. I am so glad I found this posting. Reading all the responses is very empowering.

Thank you!

Taylor

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 3:41pm
Hi, Taylor. I have been told to just agree with whatever my stbx has to say for the time being. No need to get into an emotional battle with now when your emotions are already raw. No harm in him thinking whatever he wants until it's time for him to know the truth. I know that sounds horribly deceptive but my stbx is no saint and I'm sure your's isn't either or neither one of us would be here. :) There does come a point though where it's just not worth fighting with them and you do whatyou have to get through the conversation. And stay calm...I have yet to master that one. :) I'm sure I didn't help you one bit but I wish you luck for your talk tonight! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 9:42pm

Thank you, I will absolutley take your advice! I'm prepared to do what I have to do at this point. Our talks never end in agreement on anything but that we can't agree. Most of the times they get ugly and I can't handle a blow out again. It will be hard to stay calm and not comment but I will do it. I'm interested in how he will react. My guess he'll know something is up. Thats okay I can deal with that if that is the case.

Thank you again for you post. It is always good to hear someone elses ideas and advice.

Taylor

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 10:08pm

Is he my EX..... pouting.... the "victim", etc.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 11:43pm
I though my stbx would think I was up to something too. He's not as bright as I gave him credit for. Our talks always turned out the way you said your do. I finally just stopped agruing with him. Like you, I'm just not up to any more conflict. I just started telling him that I refuse to argue with him anymore and I walk off. :) He sure does act put out at the fact that he can't get a reaction out of me as much as he use to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 8:40am

Hello again, Taylor_33!

Pianoguy was away from ivillage most of Monday so he didn't have a chance to respond to your question.

Hopefully...the talk the 2 of you had Monday night produced some solutions on both sides?

I'm not going to defend your husband (or his attitude), but it's always good for women to remember that a man ISN'T always going to agree with them about EVERYTHING? Our opinions and thoughts (which can be good or bad depending upon your point of view) are based on beliefs, upbringing, and 'women behavior' in our past.

PG isn't suggesting that our reactions and responses are 'better' or 'count more' than yours....because marriage is supposed to be AN EQUAL PARTNERSHIP! But as I indicated to you (in your earlier post), there are some 'partners' who function and handle their life situations A LOT BETTER ALONE!

Your husband might never understand the reasons you think the way you do (and vice versa), but if harmony and compromise are missing in your marriage....YOU REALLY HAVEN'T GOT ONE! The 2 of you are "roomies" with children!

I'm sending you a few hugs this morning. Here's hoping you and your husband can arrive at an amicable resolution to your problems?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 2:18pm

Hey Pianoguy!

Well the talk did not go well. His intensions were as usual about Controlling me. I have had a planned Girls Night Out and on the calendar for a month. He wanted to talk about the fact that I was not ALLOWED to go out anymore. He says that its not that he is worried that I will do anything wrong but that it is the Other people out there. The funny thing is that my other married friend that we go out with, we always tell guys that approach us that we are lesbians! Ha Ha. It is the biggest joke among my friends and it works.

I did tell him that I had already told my friends that I was not going because I just did not want to deal with all the drama at home before and after going out. I also told him that now I was going anyway. He rambled on about this and that and I literally had to just cover my mouth to keep from saying anymore. I will not be going out this weekend only because the fight really is not worth it at this point.

I do feel that it is time to end this relationship. I cannot be the person he wants me to be. You are absolutely right when you wrote that everyone’s point of view is based on upbringing and beliefs. His are set in stone and so are mine. I just am tired of living his life and not compromising our life together.

I honestly never expected to see a male on this website but I am glad you are here!

Taylor

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 3:06pm

Taylor...


There is no compromise in him telling you that you aren't "allowed" to do something ;-)


Like I said..... go.... have fun.... or at least try to.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 3:45pm

Hi Karen,

I know I should go..... But by my experinces in the last year with him have been bad.... At one fight he would not let me leave the house or be in a different room away from him. I had to call 911. It is not a place I ever want to be in again. I asked him to leave the house and not come back. He left for 2 days and in those 2 days called me constantly and even came to the house to talk AT me for 3 hours. He refused to respect my wishes for space. I was so ready to get a divorce but I just couldnt do it. Now, there is no question about it I'm am ready.

So for now I'll play along. I have an appointment with a lawyer. I have already found an appartment. I just need to get all the information to prepare myself for the day I tell him. It will be ugly.

Yes, clarity is like nothing else!

Taylor

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 4:21pm

I'm sure that a big part of the reason he's being so controlling is because he knows "that day" is inevitable.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 11:27pm

Taylor,

I'm glad you made an appointment with an attorney. I felt a great relief after my consultation with the attorney I will be using. It's great that you found an apartment too. I hope things don't go as badly as you expect when you talk to your H. My stbx is the kind guy who like to think he controls me too. He has even had the nerve to tell me on occasion recently that "he still owns me" because we are still married. Excuze me? I think not! Anytime we're apart he calls constantly and very rarely does he call to talk to the kids. And remember he's the one who decided he wanted to divorce. What in the world makes these man believe that they should have total control over another human being? They are both in for a rude awakening! Good luck!!

Amber