Thank you..more advice??
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| Thu, 04-28-2005 - 4:31pm |
I want to thank you for your support and advice. I feel silly begging for more help but I am having such a hard time with all this. I had my counselling appt last night. I felt strong for a moment, but the moment has past. She told me I had to take control. I just dont know how to go about all this.
Terrible anxiety plagues me every second of every day. We've agreed to stay in the same house until we talk to the kids. But the unknown of him showing back up everyday is driving me crazy. He gets angry that I ask for reassurance constantly but I cant seem to help it. He has shown up at a decent hour everyday but how long will that last? He doesnt answer the phone when I call. We communicate by "text messaging" I hate that. I start panicing around 3 everyday. Both vehicles we have are in my name if he doesnt show one day again, do I report it stolen? Is that wrong of me? I dont want this to be ugly. I feel so stupid for being so desperate.
Its hard to sort out in my head. He's told me the kids are his now #1 priority but is not part of that responsibility to say hey you called and just wanted to let you know ill be back around whatever time?? Or am I using the kids as a crutch? I did tell him last night that if he does step out on the kids again that I would not take responsibility for that. but how and what do I say to my kids if their dad doesnt show up again one night? I've stressed to him that (he's agreed) that because our kids are still fairly young that their will be functions that we will need to attend with family and we dont want to have hard feeling when those occasions arise. How do I take control, without jepardizing the peace that this separation could have? how do I control the anxiety? Im rambling once again. Just need some guidance

first of all - never ever feel bad about asking for help. its far
i know exactly what you mean -- the new person will have the benefit of your experiences. i know that because i feel the same way.
it gets better. i split up with my xh last summer and i'm actually feeling better. hang in there. you sound smart -- you come here for a little support and that's good. try to keep busy.
one day you'll wake up in the middle of the night and realize there's not the usual overwhelming sadness. it happened to me. it has happened to all of us after a certain point. you will get there too. i promise you this.
take things one day at a time. you will get there. writing things down and/or talking it over with a trusted friend or therapist is a great place to start. it forces you to focus and be honest with yourself.
and not that it matters - but trust me: he is not going to treat her like gold. if he were capable of treating a woman like gold, he would've just done that with you - don't you think?
Ty, Yes I do think he's capable and would treat her like gold. He used to treat me like gold but over the years I think we started to take advantage of eachother. He had done a total tranformation when he came home and I ruined that with my terrible secret....Cant help but to blame myself. Dont have a trusted friend, just so confused.
He wants to separate get a place and focus on us healing. Does NOT want according to him to be with another or seek another relationship (wants his family). I cant help but feel as my mind races (is a nonestop thing) that he just wants to be free. Is it necessary to "separate" does that really work? Granted we separated before but it wasnt a mutual thing. I cant help but feel that now that he has a good vehicle, it would be easier to lead me on, keep me on the side. I dunno. Says that is NOT his intention, that maybe we can still work through this. Is it games? Do I give him space?
If I could just stop the thoughts, thats what is the worst- bad thoughts lead to bad imagination. Hope for the best? Prepare for the worst? Let him work thru his feelings? and hope I dont get hurt in the process? This is too much.
Are you working with a counselor on your strong co-dependence? You need to find a way to break those habits. When he comes home is not something YOU can control. You can control only YOU. Not him. And guess what? You have no need to control him. Set up your life, and your days, so that what time he comes home will not matter. Arrange your schedule, and the childcare arrangements as if your Stbx was not part of the equation. Choose your activities, your funtime, your vacations as if he was not part of the equation.
Stop waiting for your life with him. Just start living your OWN life. It's a little mental shift that can mean a whole lot of relief and happiness to you, if you can just manage it.
"if I would of held on for just a short time longer and not done what I did we would be fine. He says I dont get it, but in reality I dont think he gets it-probably never will."
Of course he says that. People who are or have been addicted to something often have this victim mentality. Nothing in their lives is their fault. Ever. He thinks that if his marriage is ending, it is your fault. Don't listen to this crazy talk. You both have made mistakes. You will concentrate on correcting yours. Let go of the rest.
"I know he will end up with someone in his life and since hes made his mistakes with me she will probably be treated like gold"
Don't dwell on this. I know you said he had a wonderful recovery period, where he came back and treated you well and held a job. But it was temporary, wasn't it? An addictive personality will have periods of recovery, and quite often return again to their drug of choice. You cannot build a relationship with this kind of on-again-off-again person who tells you everything is your fault!
So much wisdom. Co-dependent I never thought I was but the more I "see" myself the more I know I am. Another piece. Sometimes seems easier to just give up. I read and re-read what people have written to me, draw strength.
Thank you so very much...Helps to have support even if I dont like the answers/suggestions, helps to have other points of view.