Thanks For Poem!!
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| Mon, 03-20-2006 - 9:52am |
Omg abbynwb, I laughed so hard I was crying...and then I laughed some more...thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!! Actually to be honest, I swear I think reading this poem and realizing my reaction to it is actually a step in my life processing the path to find myself again...
Once you live with and accomodate/enable a verbal abuser/any abuser, amongst the things you have to eventually sort out is why? Why did I allow it? Why did I play peacemaker? Why was most things I struggled with doing for myself 'selfish'? I was not a timid personality when we met, dated or in the first years of marriage. The insiduous, slow methods of a controller combined with being told it was my imagination, that he wasn't doing anything wrong or treating me badly, and that I was too 'sensitive' or needed to 'try harder' submerged just about all of the 'me' I used to be.
I tried so hard to shield the children. Even in the divorce I have continued for their sake to tell them to love their dad, that he and I just can't get along but he is a good dad, and for them to remember the divorce is not 'their' fault in any way. This has backfired somewhat, because despite my taking this high road, he and his family have painted me as 'bad' in any of the 'righteous' ways they can come up with. They refuse to realize by making the children's mommy 'bad' --- that hurts the childrens self esteem...they are so high above mortals, and especially me, that they know 'all.' Pitiful, and eventually a lonely place for him I think.
Unfortunately, in the short run, two of the children have felt the pressure from him and his family and haven't been allowed to just continue loving both of us; he made them, manipulated them and kept at them until the oldest son and daughter (ages 10 and 15), until he had them verbalize 'who they wanted to live with'.
Of course that produces anger, guilt and sadness in children even more going through a divorce and its the worst thing or one of the worst that could happen; I wanted so much to keep them from hurting anymore than necessary in the midst of this. I can only pray and hope they will be able to reestablish relationships in a healthy way with both of us not too far into the future. I love all of them so much. He does too. But he is warped, absolutely, even though he 'functions' in the greater public community, his love and approval is totally conditional in every personal relationship he has, parents, significant others, children.
I know that sounds strange to some, but it is absolutely true. After 14 months of living separately, going to counseling, remembering with friends who I used to be, and finding out that a controller may just never admit to his problems, that he actually will very probably never admit to himself that he treats certain people in life differently than others --- I now know that it didn't matter very much what I did or didn't do within certain perameters. It was the process of the control he needs in his life, not the specific topics which we needed to address.
What does all that have to do with this poem? I laughed at it and for the whole day ... until I was jounaling later did I 'feel guilty' for being amused at a barely perceptible version of cannibalism and ultra-feminism in literary form....going out to find a seafood restaurant later this week...Annah.
