Thanks! & When do you stop being scared
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| Mon, 07-18-2005 - 1:47am |
Wow... it is so helpful and encouraging to drop by and read these boards. Brenda - your list was courageous and a step to finding things that are part of the 'new' true life as opposed to only dwelling on what we have lost. I cannot imagine the pain so many of you are going through. The post by momtojoeybear (sp?) was so sweet also and helpful. I wrote down that book title and author and hope to find a copy of it.
My stbx emailed today and called three times. He says I MUST sign something with him before the 29th court hearing. He said today that if I will not sign over full legal/sole legal to him and go along with this long document with 62 items in it - to retype it and change all the names opposite and that he will sign it. In other words, he will give me full legal/sole custody, visit the children twice a year, only at other times when I say so, and only if staying in a guest room of my and the childrens residence, will never have to pay child support, will never ask for spousal support, will agree to never utilizing a court system, judge, lawyer or other mediator to make decisions in the future about our children plus much much more.
First I do not believe he would sign that; and second I do not want my children to not have their father in their life. I think having both parents in their life in a meaningful way to whatever extent that can be made happen is the best for the kids; joint legal and reasonable visitation ... something more near what the typical non-custodial out of state parent gets ie, 4 weeks or so in the summer, a division of some of the major holidays alternating each year, some sort of reasonable child support from the non-custodial spouse, health insurance provision for the children etc is what would be best for the children.
He wants to sever all ties with me, but we have to make some sort of decisions that are good for the children. He says there is no 'good' decisions for the children except to be brought up in the exact same manner we were bringing them up before I 'changed'. I told him we could pick up and drop off at neutral places so we do not really even have to see each other if that is a point of contention. He is the one who is moving his business out-of-state. I have offered/wanted for the children nearest to 50-50 parenting plan as possible from the day of filing for the divorce. He changed our divorce case to a full custody suit two months after my original filing. He says his family has pressured him into the time frame of moving the company by August. I am truly sorry and actually believe they have to some extent - they think it will help his custody case to present it like this I guess. I still wish I could somehow have made it all work and just stayed. We could not continue together though. Deep in his heart he knows that. He is just an avoider I guess. He would rather, much rather have something 'bad' than face change.
I don't want to make this any harder than it is. I don't want to hurt the children with continued insecurity every time another 'court date' comes up. But exactly what is it he thinks realistically that you do when a divorce occurs? He wants to make his own rules for his own family/children. On the surface it sounds like it is out of love for the kids - no bouncing back and forth between two homes etc. But really it just comes down to he wants/needs to punish me by keeping the kids away from me as much as possible, and controlling any influence ie real relationship they might have with me.
What do people divorcing who have grown apart on many issues do about all the differences? You cannot MAKE the other person live your values, preferences, political ideology, religion, etc etc etc --- or else they can never see the children. And you have to find some mid point, some tolerance/acceptance that a little of the differences are going to be visible to the children. I pray our kids'hearts are being protected right now while they are young, and that with lots of love and the best parenting we can do, they will have a strong chance at a good life. What the heck else can I do? I feel guilty or scared most of the time.
I am 45 years old and overreact at every step of the way --- I have a job now; but am afraid I will lose it if he just disappears and I have no safe childcare. How will I take care of the children IF he disappears as he threatens? With no family to help like he has, is he right - how will I not let them be taken away by the social agencies like he says if I cannot get daycare or make enough to keep this apartment? For that matter, how the heck will I move us by myself...What will I do if this old truck I have breaks down? I can take a bus of course for work to and from, but how will we shop for groceries? What about medical insurance for them? All questions I know so many of you deal with; but are you scared a lot? I do not know where to get the answers. I barely sleep, my hair is actually falling out - no kidding, what I thought was a sort of shedding is much more and I have no idea why - never happened before...guess it is the stress, but that is to be expected I guess. All my 'old' friends that were 'our' friends are trying to be neutral, and anyhow none of them know anything about food stamps or county housing assistance etc. I find it difficult to make new friends right now as I have so little to offer as a friend; just problems. I have not been able to find any divorce support groups except through churches; doesn't seem to be any secular ones in this area.
Did I think through any of these questions before leaving? Yes. I did. That is why I was like a rabbit scared in the headlights and stayed the last three years. Fifteen years total. Three past giving up; just being erased. Then I got to that 'point of no return' - had tried everything, felt no peace, could not see any further answers, and felt numb. Was that just a point of selfishness I came to? How can I believe in myself and take care of the children if I don't even know how to access information to get help. I am immature I guess. Despite all this; there is a little place inside of me; the me I used to be, who smiles a few times a day, who doesn't have a queen or king-sized bed to enjoy being in because he kept nearly everything, so I spread out as much as I want on my futon on the floor. I burn incense when I want. When the kids are with me, I can choose to read stories to them at midnight on Friday if I want, and not have to say no just because he wants them to obey some bedtime rule. I get to make decisions on things they want based on my own reasoning, again not just based on one of the myriad 'rules', I listen to MSNBC news now --- and usually get a decent balance of both sides of issues, I can have the fan on at night if I want some 'white noise'or I am just plain hot, I can listen to funky music not just what he wanted, I can read about or talk about new things just cause I want to explore or learn not because I am 'becoming' anything or feel like I don't have a mind of my own, I bought plants and take care of them, and I don't have to rush, rush, rush getting everything done, done right, done with a 'righteous' attitude, done by a certain time, done knowing full well it still won't be good enough.
Yet, I am scared, and I feel guilty about hurting the children, putting them in possible physical danger if we have to move to a less safe neighborhood, hurting their little hearts if daddy does disappear and is not part of their life anymore, embarrassed because I don't have even some of the answers. And last of all for this Sunday, I am thankful in the middle of being scared. Because IF he doesn't let me speak to or see the children, IF he keeps intimidating me, IF he disappears, or IF he tries to cause trouble for me at my new job....I will make a decision at each point - I can make my own decisions, and I am learning that everything in the world is not a do or die situation even though it might feel like it at the time, and that some of these things I can get right, even with my sweet, wonderful little ones not having all they should have. If I sign that set of papers he and his lawyer came up with, it will be much,much worse. I love my little ones so much. Love is supposed to be unselfish he told me today, so if I love them I will let him have them and give them a good, and moral life. But my love matters to them too. So I will keep on trying, and that is the best I can do. Thank all of you who are active on this board. You probably don't know how much a phrase here, or a little info there really helps some of us with specific issues we are dealing with. Hugs, Anna

Anna, you are dealing with so many emotions. Yes, its normal to be scared - but i dont think you can keep going on thinking about "what if's". try to deal with the here & now.