therapy worth it

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
therapy worth it
5
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 1:08am
my husband and i are drifting apart. all the little thing around the house are irritating me and we have gotten goals on seprate ends of the spectrum. He said something about marriage counseling or divorce. I don't think going to counseling will change anything. We do have two little boys together so that's why i am thinking about it. At the same time i don't want to give false hope to him that it will all be better when i don't think therapy will do any good. Should I go ahead and agree to conseling or start with divorce proceedings?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 8:09am
Understand this is just my opinion but if you have two children I believe you have to exhaust everything before going the divorce route. Divorce is not good for kids. Sometimes it is the better option when dealing with spouses that have addictions, are abusive, cheating etc but marriages should be saved if possible in other cases. Yes, therapy can work if you research and get someone good. You might have to visit more than one before you find the right "fit". You can also read some books. "Love must be tough", "Relationship rescue" and others have been suggested here. Gary Smalley writes some good ones. I am going through a divorce (not of my choosing...my stbx wants the freedom to sleep around) and although it is fairly amicable, these beautiful children are still affected. Do you really want another woman putting your children to sleep and being a part of their family unit without even trying to repair yours? If you move on and meet someone else, there's a good chance this will happen again because this is just what happens in long term relationships. The key is to learn the skills to redefine your relationship and rediscover each other. Love is a choice. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:23am
I'm completely with the second poster here! You made a commitment, you have children. It is your job to give this marriage your all. "Drifting apart" happens in all relationships, even the best of them. Make sure you do your homework and find a good marriage counselor; if the first one doesn't feel right, try another. Don't go from this place in your life right into divorce. You own it to yourself, your children, and your husband to put in the effort.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:41am

hi and hugs.

you don't give specific problems here, other than 'drifting apart'. it is my opinion that therapy should be tried - whether there are kids or not (and especially if there ARE kids). you are having problems in your marriage - don't just throw it away without trying to fix things. and remember - no matter what happens, you and your husband are going to be parents forever, even if you do get divorced, you will have to learn to cooperate with each other and couple's therapy is a good place to start.

lets say that you feel that therapy can't help - so what can it hurt? you think you might be sedning him the wrong message - ok, i can buy that, so when you go to the first session you should be honest.

the good thing about therapy - IF you are willing to do the work - is that you will end up being a stronger person, more in touch with yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 9:52pm

Why do you not think therapy will work? Isn't it worth it to try? I would do anything if I could have stopped my divorce. It is killing my children. My advice to you is do not divorce until you have turned over every stone. Your children will thank you someday.
Good Luck! Hugs, Brenda

PS Editing to add: Two books that might help. One was suggested by another poster.
Love must be Tough by Dr. James Dobson and The 5 languages of love by Gary Chapman
They are both wonderful books. I wish I had found them years ago. I might not be here now.




Edited 7/17/2006 9:55 pm ET by mebrenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 10:22pm
Even if the marriage counseling doesn't work, you can then convert it into divorce counseling. Since you have to coparent with your H for many, many more years, counseling would be a good idea anyway, even if it doesn't save your marriage.