is there any hope?
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| Sun, 09-30-2007 - 9:53am |
My husband and I have been married for 6 years and together 12. We were "High School Sweethearts." For the most part we have had a good relationship. We now have 3 kids, 5 yr old, 2 yr old and 3 mo old. Last night he said he is fed up with me, and as much as he loves me, he can't live like this anymore. Oh gosh, where to begin.. His reason for leaving is for 2 reasons. 1 - I have always been more jealous and insecure than i need to, and he said that he just realized that it isn't going to stop and he can't handle it any longer - 2 - lately I have been yelling a lot, and he doesn't want to be around it. He said we are like "water and oil" we just don't mix. It is true that I get very insecure and accuse him of doing stuff that I know for a fact that he doesn't do, but yet something comes over me and I accuse him anyway. In my mind, that is a play on my insecurity. It is weird because when I accuse him of stuff, I hope for his response to be sympathetic and reassuring for his feelings towards me, but the outcome is anything but that. It causes a huge fight, and he always threatens to leave, and I apologize and say I won't do it again, but I always do, again hoping again for a positive outcome although again nothing but a huge fight. Now with the stress now of 3 children one of which is a newborn, and our both very hectic schedules, there is a lot of tension in the house to begin with. We both have very good jobs, but they are executive level therefore our lives together are just a passing by lately. The few times we are together, it is only as a family never one on one with each other. As he is an enormous help with the kids and around the house, he is more old fashioned and he feels that it is my job to maintain the house and care for the children. With that said that unfortunately puts a huge weight on my back therefore I begin to complain and yell at things that I wouldn't normally complain about, and of course everyone needs a "punching bag" so therefore I take most of my anger out on him verbally. Now he does the same thing too, but it is as not extreme as myself. Since I am insecure to begin with, and now I am only 3 MOS postpartum, I am not feeling or looking as attractive as I could be and would like to. He isn't sympathetic to that at all, and of course I am accusing him of not being attracted to me anymore. With that said, the icing on the cake was yesterday, I called him at work to discuss our daughter who was out of control so I needed to vent to him, and without listening to what was going on, he immediately said, "I am at work, and you need to deal with it". That pissed me off. The fact that he didn't even care to ask what was going on, I felt he was blowing me off, and yes this is going to sound crazy - some how that turned into me accusing him of not being attracted to me at the moment, which turned into him saying that he is still attracted to me, but when I yell he finds me very unattractive and yes turns him off, so of course as you can imagine, one thing led to another, and here we are. I also work part time at a family restaurant to help out but also make extra spending $$ for the kids. While I was at the restaurant last night, he packed his suitcase and left early this AM, and now he is gone. He said he can't live like this anymore and he is so miserable and I am not going to change. I said give me a straight answer, "Do you want a divorce?" and all he keeps saying is "I can't live like this anymore" I asked for a yes or no answer, but he just beats around the bush. He is implying that he wants a divorce, but won't just say "yes". He has spoken about arrangements. He said he will pay whatever he needs to, but we need to find out what the next step is, but still won't just say "yes, I want a divorce". He said he loves me a lot, but if that was the case you follow your vows, but he said we are beyond that. I am finding it hard to believe that he is going to throw away 12 years of our lives which we have built up so much over jealousy. I do agree that I bust his, as he says "balls" a lot and it is uncalled for, but really, grounds for a divorce?? I can't help but wonder if this is just an excuse, but that is my problem, thinking like that got us to this point, apparently.
I hope this has made sense, as it is hard to sum 12 years up into one paragraph. If anyone has any advice on how to handle this. I of course do not want a divorce, or even a separation for that matter. Oh also I neglected to mention, that communication has NEVER been a strong part of our relationship. That is most likely the problem, we'll fight go to bed mad, and get up, yet still a little nervous to say something wrong, but for the most part we act like nothing is wrong. Now communication is so needed, and according to him, it is way too late. Also, our marriage has gotten so out of hand that the other day after I cleaned the floor, I left the bucket of water while I went upstairs to answer the phone while he was on the couch and my 2 year old got into it and got water all over the place. When I came down I asked him why he was letting her do it, he answered because I should've emptied it and not left it there, so I needed to learn a lesson. So with all that said you can imagine how things are between us currently, but is it to the point of no return?? If anyone has any suggestion, please reply. Thank you

I honestly don't know if you're past the point of no return or not, as that is something that each one of us must decide for ourselves.
Thank u for your reply. Yes, I agree that i am wrong for the accusing. He hasn't really done anything for me to accuse him of any wrong doing, although last January while I was pregnant with our last baby, I did catch him sending flowers to a girl at his company. Then I also found a bunch of calls from each of them to one another, but he had a believable excuse, so I just let it go, although, i do use that as leverage sometimes, which is getting very old, I agree. You say I should stop, and I do know that is a must, but something overcomes me and any small argument, I find myself doing it, whether I am accusing him of not spending enough time with me, or not being attracted to me, or although I haven't used it in a while, accusing him of fooling around, which I really don't have any reason to believe this.
I have looked into counseling, but he said he will not go until I go by myself 1st and fix my personal issues with myself. I disagree with that. We have been together for 12 years total and as i said before married 6. I know we have problems which right now are hanging on my shoulders but I am not willing to accept 100% responsibility. As I do know that he loves(ed) me he doesn't do much to make me feel better about my insecurities. He is very much into sports, which I knew form the day I meant him, and I have justlearned to accept that especially during football season, there is no family time unless it is me and the kids sitting on the couch with him watching football. He gets mad at the fact if I even ask him to come out with us on a Sunday during football season. He says I should know better, then he'll accuse me of trying to take that away from him, his joy of football that is. Although again, I accept it, and it would never be a reason for me to divorce him. Just like I think his grounds right now are a bit silly, but I know how it effects him, but like I said in my previous post, I can't help but imagine if he is using this as an excuse, but I am trying to suppress that idea all together.
I have decided thus far that I am going to let him go and see what happens. I always told myself, I would never make someone stay with me and be unhappy. We both deserve to be with people that would make us happy. I hope in time we will find that it is still each other that makes us happy. I have never gone through anything like this before,a nd I am very scared as to what the next months are going to bring, but I am counting on a lot of heartache, long sleepless nights, and not to mention the Holidays... I don't know if I am prepared but I don't think I have a choice at this point. If I get through this, I feel I will be invincible and will be able to get through anything, I hope... What else could be worse. I am thankful that my children are healthy and that is the most important thing.
again, thank you for your reply. It's nice to know that there is something like this out there that we can speak to an impartial party. With the last 12 years spent together, most everyone we know are friends with both of us.
Hi...
Your first posting didn't mention anything about there being trust issues on your side, but it sounds like he gave you some reason to be less than 100% sure about him.
TY! I have ordered the book. Reviews look good. Thanks for the advise. I will keep you posted.
That book is my "all time" favorite book--the one that I felt helped me in a most pivotal time during my divorce.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~