Is there life beyond survival ?
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 11-14-2006 - 3:00pm |
So much has happened over the past few years I can't even think straight. I don't even think I know who I am anymore. I keep asking myself if I can survive all this and each day I wake up and wonder how can I get through it ? Not depressed severely or suicidal or anything. Just emotionally stretched again and again and now trying to figure out what to do with myself, my life and my future. And if I can survive - which I am not entirely conviced of yet - is there life more than survival out there for me ?
Most of the nightmare began in Aug 2004 when I lost my right ovary with a tumor the size of a brick. In Feb 2005 my Grandma died. Meantime - the owners (Who I was very close to) at the company I worked for 12 years got into a lawsuit and my boss walked out - leaving me holding the bag. My job changed drastically, I suddenly had to report to a new boss who didn't like what my old boss had me doing. Everything I did was wrong. The job was like a home and they were like my family and it was slowly slipping away. The Husband lost his dad in June 2005 suddenly to heart attack while I was on vacation. His mom was disabled so we had to learn take care of her. Change her diapers, cloth her, bath her, feed her, etc. That was stressful enough, but then we were in a major Car accident in July of last year - only 1 month after losing his dad and trying to get things in order for his disabled mom. Soon after the accident my husband advised me he was not happy and wasn't sure he wanted the marriage. We'd been through hell and time together was few and far between. I pushed everyone away when had the surgery and with everything else going on we were just surviving each day and getting by. We agreed to try to make it work.
But the bad news kept coming. The husband's mom deteriorated rapidly after the accident last year and was hospitalized right before Christmas. At almost the exact same time I quit my job because I couldn't take the stress at work with management. 12 Years down the drain. My work family turned on me and accused me of all kinds of nasty things because I chose to leave. The accident and all was just too much with the long hours at work and responsibility.
In late Jan my husbands mom was well enough to come home - but not well enough to live in her own house again with assistance. My husband moved out of our house in Feb to help her. He only came home 1 day a week when his brother came down to help with his mom. This made the marriage even more difficult. He said he felt bad that he didn't miss me when he was gone at his mom's house and that must mean he didn't love me anymore. All I could think was - how could we get back on track. We had it all and were in love and happy and I couldn't figure out how we got to this point. Isn't tragedy supposed to make you thankful for those you love and value them more ? My heart kept crying for it to get better.
Two months passed like this and his mom died at the end of March and then the husband told me he wasn't moving home. I was devastated. We talked and talked and he did eventually move back home. We agreed to try to work on the marriage and see if we could get things back on track. We gave ourselves 6 months and committed to talking and monitoring progress. April and May were full of legal obligations, financial arrangements and other family things regarding his deceased parents. All the while we still had no time for our marriage. No progress was being made. I could feel it all slipping away.
Keep in mind we are still dealing with physical issues and legal issues from the accident too. I got a new job. That is stressfull too - starting over. Ugh ! Long and short - we didn't make it 6 months before he wanted out. He said he didn't love me the same way. But he wanted me to be taken care of. There was no taking time off and trying to see if it would work. No desire for counseling. He wanted out - entirely. He wanted freedom. He promised there was no one else. We put a financial plan together and he moved out 1 month later. While he was still at home we shopped for things he needed for his new place. It was pure heartbreak every day. We lived as we always had. Kisses in the morning and at night. Nothing romantic. Then - one day he packed up and moved. I felt bad that he couldn't cope with the losses of his parents. I tried to understand he needed his space. We'd been through so much. And now I was losing again.....only this time it was my husband.
A little over two months have passed. He's made sure I am ok financially and I get to keep the house and my truck, etc. We rarely talk since he moved out. Conversations are short. He taught me to mow the lawn and take care of things. He's bought me a new grill, mower, tools, etc. He's been a real stand up guy. Can hardly believe he is gone and trying to accept that my life after 14 years with him is going to be changed forever.
So - last week I dropped the dogs off for a weekend visit and when I was there I saw a to do list at his apartment that says "Move my sweetheart into our house" and I am devastated again! We havn't filed for divorce yet or separation. I asked if he is seeing someone and he denies it. I can't eat, barely sleeping.....unable to focus at work. Can't figure out what to do next. I am scared to push the issue as I know he must have someone else - because I don't want the divorce to get ugly or to lose my house or have him choose to be less generous. At the same time - I am hurt and angry and confused. Was our life a lie ? Why can't he be honest with me? How long has he been with her ? What house are they going to have ? It boggles my mind.
I also met a new guy - just as a friend. He wants more - I don't think I can give more. But I am lonely and hurt and needy and confused. Do I let him in ? Only more hurt will come. I am a passionate person - but don't feel right about getting involved physically unless I see a future. I don't even know what I want. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know how to say know since I am hurting so bad and need some comforting. But I feel it is wrong.
I wake up and feel sick to my stomach when I think of the husband with someone else - making plans. I thought it would be easier if he left for a reason. Now that I know there is a reason - I think it is harder. Another woman - how could that be ? He denies it completely and says he'd tell me if there was.
Everything is a mess and I can't see my life ahead. I have damage in my back and neck from the accident. My job is less than I dreamed or want. I've lost my in-laws, my work-family, and my husband. My whole world is gone. I don't know how to make decisions or how to live. I try to stay busy - but the down time is killing me. Even 5 minutes of quiet makes my heart ache. I don't know who to talk to. I am not a person who asks for help or sympathy. I keep telling everyone I am ok. And I am convincing eveyone. But secretly DYING inside. Most my relatives don't even know the husband moved out yet. Nobody knows that he has another woman. Even if I make it - what kind of life can I have ?
What can I do ?

you sound like you have been through some really tough times & i extend you a probably much needed hug...seems like sometimes life can take a turn for the worst & seemingly never get better. but there is hope & one good thing that i got from your entry is that you never mentioned children. you can thank God for that b/c the issues you have & are dealing w/could be ten fold...oh yeh & ex of yours is being very stand upish(?) for one word alone - guilt. guilt tends to work wonders on men - especially the ones that think the grass is greener & end up leaving or wanting out...call me a pessimist, but i don't know one man that is serious about getting out of a relationship unless there is another woman somewhere in the background. but all of it is probably for the best for you, even if you can't see it right now. let his guilt help you out b/c sounds like you got a pretty good deal & the grill will come in quite handy when you do meet someone worth using it :) i'm glad to hear that you have enough sense to not get involved physically w/another man until you've sorted out your feelings & emotions from the divorce...otherwise you may find yourself right back in the same situation, not being able to understand how you got into the first. once we women have sex w/a man our views are clouded and we let them run our decisions - often not making the best ones. even tho i know it may seem nothing is going your way - look for the good & positive things about your life, even if small. such as he did help you out, the divorce wasn't nasty, there were no kids, you do have an income etc. things could be much worse. w/the health issue i also sympathize & unfortunately that seems to be a problem that possibly will never go away & one that will take some major coping skills...just another nasty thing we must deal w/in this lifetime...but with the right attitude you'll get thru. and never feel you are alone - there are always people out there dealing w/the same issues or worse & if you stay open & positive, you'll find the life that will better fit you in the future.
take care & good luck
Laurel :)
Elf,
Stop trying to do this by yourself.
Time to reach out for help. Today.
It's all fine and dandy to put up our "pride shield" and go on as if nothing has happened. That's fine if all you're dealing with is a bad day at work, but
CL-Wisdomtooth2020