Is there a wrong way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Is there a wrong way?
8
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 11:14am
Is there a wrong way to ask for a divorce? Can I do it in a way that I don't have to face him? If I have to face him, then I think I will be guilted to stay.
Thanks
Chrissy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 11:20am

Hello,


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 11:39am
I agree with butterfly she gives great advice. If you want a divorce then just file and go for it don't let him keep you there it will only get worse not better. How long have you wanted this divorce? Have you tried to work your differences out before? I know my and dh and I have had differences for about 3yrs and now it's down to he wants to talk about it and i'm not giving in so if what he says don't suit me i'm gone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 11:58am
My husband told me he wanted a divorce by leaving me a note on the counter, which I found when I came home from work, and he was gone. I do not recommend doing something like this! (Unless you really don't care how much pain you cause him) I went into immediate shock, was numb for a while and then actually physically sick and shaking. I kept trying to reach him on his cell phone and he wouldn't answer. It was the most HORRIBLE thing I have ever experienced. Even his very best friends were upset with him for treating me like that. When he finally did talk to me I felt better because at least then it felt "real" instead of a nightmare that I couldn't escape from.
If you are afraid of facing him because he will talk you out of it, are you sure this is really what you want? When I did meet face to face with him, he was very determined and strong about his decision. I knew it was hard for him to be that way, and he seemed like a totally different person. That is what you have to do. Be strong enough to face him, tell him exactly how you feel, and don't get into a discussion about it. It hurt me when he finally did this, but it was much better than finding that note!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:19pm

Thank you :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:50pm

Chrissy,


I would think that at some point that you'd have to face him.... so perhaps just telling him that "I'm not happy with the way things are... and if I'm not happy, then I'm not giving you 100% of what you deserve to have from your wife... and I think that maybe we should move on."


Better to be up front about it that have to worry about when you eventually do see him face to face the next time after you've broken the news to him.


Good luck!.... We're here with ya.




Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:54pm
Well, I'm glad that I posted that question, because I was tempted to just leave a note and disappear. I have been unhappy for the last 2 yrs (since we got married). When I did talk to him about it (awhile ago) he was very shocked and hysterical and he threatened to kill himself, claiming that he couldn't live without me. I don't hate the man, hes a good person, but I just dont have those love feelings for him anymore. I feel like hes my roommate. Thats not how marriage is supposed to be right? We don't have sex (maybe 1-2x/mo) and we hardly ever talk. I have an appt tomorrow am with a counselor, so hopefully I'll start getting these feelings straigtened out.
Thanks to everyone, and I'll keep checking in to see if anyone has any other advice.
Chrissy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 2:38pm
That's great that you all are going to therapy that may really help. So many couples just split and never try to work things out. Marriage isn't a game it's real, and if you have only been married 2yrs, well there will be alot of hard times and you just have to work together to make it if that's what you want. No one can tell you what you want but you I assume since you did marry him you do love him. So just try to work everything out first. Their will be alot worse things come along to a long happy marriage. Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 8:41pm

It has to be so scary for someone to threaten suicide. I've never experienced that kind of threat, but I have lost someone who committed suicide. It might help you to have a plan in case he does that again, like a local suicide hotline number (you can find one at this site: http://suicidehotlines.com/) The best way IMHO is to be honest but not detailed. Tell him you want a divorce and you can't stay, but you are sorry. Don't tell him why or give lots of reasons, that will only make him think he might be able to do x, y and z and keep you from leaving. Is there a friend you can stay with in case staying in the same house becomes unbearable? Is there a good friend of his you can talk to so they are standing by, ready to support him (I only recommend this because he's threatened suicide before, and making sure he has a support system is looking out for his safety).

I think the counseling is a good idea. The counselor might give you some better suggestions about how to approach this. The counselor might also allow you to invite him to a counseling session so you can tell him how you feel that way.

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