They can move on why can't we?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
They can move on why can't we?
23
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 5:50pm

My ex has moved on, but he does everything in his power to sabatage any chances I have of moving on. He doesn't take the kids when he's supposed to and is late picking them up so if I have plans I can't go or am late. I almost never have a night to myself because he makes zero effort to have the kids go down to his place.

He not only tries to sabatage my personal life, but he tries to make it impossible for me to work. His job has always been to take our youngest to the sitters in the morning before she goes to school. I have to leave at 6 am to be to work and he goes in later. He leaves me guessing as to whether or not he'll take her. He also doesn't approve of my work schedule because it varies and he only wants to have the kids on certain days so as not to interfere with whatever woman he's seeing. He's told me on many occasions that I need to find a 9 to 5-type job because he wants the kids certains days during the week. The trouble with that is that a 9 to 5 job pays less and I'm the main breadwinner and I take care of their health insurance. His job is largly seasonal and it's a crapshoot as to whether or not he'll have work in the winter.

If he gets wind of me going out with a guy friend with the kids I get cutting emails. I don't really like having my boyfriend around them much just because I'm testing the waters, but my ex doesn't take the kids much and I need to be around friends too. I find myself constantly compromising because of my ex's refusal to play fair and take responsiblity for the kids' day to day care.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 6:00pm

You are leaving yourself open to that by depending on him so much. If you had an unreliable babysitter would you keep asking her to babysit? No, you'd find someone else. Same with your ex. You can't count on him so don't.

I am sure it is not easy to find someone to take your dd to the sitter so early, but there have to be other women in your position who don't have an ex or a husband and manage to find a way so get creative and see what you can come up with. If you need time to yourself, hire a babysitter for the evening. Show your ex that if he wants parenting responsibilities then he'll have to prove he can handle them, otherwise you just won't waste your time even asking.

I can see how the cutting emails re: your guy friend would be irritating, but he can't stop you from moving on. Block his emails if you have to, and when he complains that he might want to email you regarding the children then tell him you will only unblock him if he promises to keep his discussions fair and reasonable and show you respect. If he emails you from different email addresses (thus making blocking him message very hard) then change your email address and don't tell him the new one. You won't ever get respect from him if you tolerate disrespect. When you feel yourself saying "I can't" try and turn it around and ask yourself "How can I" and pretty soon you'll find you are moving on regardless of what your ex does.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 6:05pm

Yes I guess I could hire a sitter, but I don't get child support because the agreement was that he didn't have to pay it if he'd drop the kids off on his way to work and pick them up on his way home the three days a week I work.

My mother has jumped in and helped out when he's changed last minute regarding their care. He says we have to work together to finish raising them, but he'd rather chase women then make sure they are taken care of. Oh well. I guess I should have pushed for child support. It's not too late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 6:14pm

If that is in your agreement, then point out to him it can be changed if he doesn't want to do what he promised he would do. If he doesn't show up, then you document it and personally I'd let him know you are keeping track of the number of times he doesn't do what he agreed to do and if he keeps it up you will go back to court for child support. That should be motiviation enough for him, I'd think. It sends the message loud and clear you aren't going to tolerate him showing up when he feels like it, and reminds him there is a consequence he won't like (having to pay child support).

Right now it looks like he has all the power but that is because you let him have the power. He takes advantage of you because he can. You can take back some of that power if you want. Sometimes it feels good to put your foot down and say I'm not going to take it anymore. You don't even have to be mean about it, just calmly explain you had a deal and if he doesn't want to hold up his end, that's fine, you won't hold up yours either (meaning giving up child support) - that is totally reasonable and fair and gives you back some control in this situation.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 6:31pm

Absolutely! I made it known the other night when he was late picking them up that I am indeed keeping track of the days that he is late or only takes the youngest with him. The other night he was supposed to be at the house at 8:00 and at 8:30 he was still 20 minutes away. I was so furious! He had the nerve to tell me that if I had plans I should have let him know. Let me tell you, the little Mama is done with his crap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 6:39pm
Good! That is exactly how you do it. He'll either 'get it' and stop interfering with your ability to have a life, or you can get your agreement modified so you don't have to worry about him.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 8:15pm
Did your H know about the A before your divorce? He could be very angry and thus trying to take it out on you. Is your state a no-fault divorce state? Men tend to lash out when their ego's have been bruised.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 8:39pm
She's already divorced. Is she not supposed to date post-divorce? Her ex is.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 8:44pm
Yes he's seeing people and was looking at houses with one of his girlfriends during the divorce proceedings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 11:35pm

First,

During divorce and post divorce is fine in my view, people can copulate and fornicate as much as they want. My point to outofmymind is don't make the ex-H the big bad wolf. All I can say is I'm not going to post from another board because it may violate IVILLAGE TOS - if you're married and you're boinking somebody - it's not right and the person who expected someone to be faithful to their vows, deserves to be angry, not take it out on their kids, but don't expect the person to be overjoyed.

JMHO

Their are people who have integrity and decide to leave before they decide to be with someone else and there are those who hedge their bets.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 11:43pm

I can only speak for myself, and I had an affair. It wasn't what ended my marriage (well, it was part of what helped me to realize it was over, but the fact the marriage needed to end didn't have anything to do with the affair). I have done my best to make amends for my horrible choice. I try to be open and honest about it, and any time I have the chance to talk to someone having an affair or thinking of having one, I tell them my story and urge them to not make the same mistake I did. It doesn't mean I am a person without integrity. Given the chance to do it differently I would. Nobody is perfect though, and all we can do is realize our mistakes and make the changes we need to in order to learn from them.

Edit: and the fact your ex betrayed you or upset you is not an excuse to not co-parent or not show up when you are supposed to have the children (not your ex, but an ex, you know what I mean). My ex was most upset that I left him, he seemed to care less about the affair. But after a period of time he got his anger at me out (I encouraged this and let him) and he has always put dd first. That shouldn't be an astounding feat or way out of the norm IMHO.




Edited 7/23/2005 11:53 pm ET ET by firstamendment

Photobucket

Pages