Things are under way........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Things are under way........
13
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 4:14am
Hi, all. I first wanted to thank cl-wildlucky4me for her advice. I never got a chance to thank her properly. Well, the sh** hit the fan tonight. We went so far as to fight in front of the children, something I have always managed to avoid doing. My two girls started to cry, my older daughter saying she wasn't hungry, and my younger one asking "Why are you and daddy mean to eachother?" I have contacted a counselour from a women's domestic abuse hotline, and made sure to tell her that the abuse I was going thru was emotional and psychological. She said that she considered that abuse as well. She gave me a list of phone numbers to contact and I have contacted a women's shelter as well. I sat down with my husband and gave him two options. I asked him if he was willing to pay for two smaller apartments where we live which would approximately be about the same amount as the apartment we are paying for now, if I keep my younger one home from her daycare. I told him that was the option until I applied for welfare, and got myself on my feet in terms of a job. I told him the other option was for me to go to a Women's Shelter. He said "Well, we need to wait three weeks until the end of the month and then we can talk about it." I said no. I will find out about apartments tomorrow and if there are apartments in the relatively near future, I will put us down for them (shouldn't be a problem, people come and go here, and it is usually not a problem to get an apartment fairly quickly.) Can you believe he started arguing with me about that, and that he doesn't realize the severity of the problem? He said, why are you disrupting things? I told him that we were now living a life in hell, and that any place I go now with the kids where there was peace was better than how we were living now. He finally saw that I was not backing down, and tomorrow I will find out if there are apartments and when. I cannot believe that he does not understand that he is abusive and that at this point he is getting in the way of me and my kids. He is seriously interfering in the education of my kids in the sense that he is arguing with me on every point with the kids when I am clearly the educator (have worked with kids for years) and I have a lot more common sense than him and it's just ridiculous. I feel like I need to stop every moment,divert my attention away from my kids and focus on him and his comments, and his need for attention. It got to the point where everywhere we go, we let the kids play,like at a park or something and sit down and argue. All my extra time goes on him but the comments were what broke the camel's back. How dare he interfere in my upbringing with the kids? Yes, he could add his two cents in, but to argue with me on every point, no that's way too much for me. Anyway, tomorrow I will find out about things with the apartments, with welfare and other places I will need. I would have gone to a Women' Shelter right away, but I will do anything not to disrupt my older daughters school. She loves it and I don't want to take that away from her. That is why I am asking him to pay for another apartment for us in the area until I am on my feet and get a job. He just gets under my skin and and picks and picks and picks. Know what I mean? I will update you guys tomorrow on what I have found. Bye for now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 9:14am
I think you should seriously consider seeking out a therapist to help you through this. The women's shelter will have counselors or have names of counselors. This isn't all about him. You have issues in this too that have led you to accept this situation up to this point. It is never easy to leave an abusive situation, and the baggage you will carry away from the relationship is going to be very heavy unless you find a professional to help you sort through what has happened in the past, what is happening now and what needs to happen in the future. You also need to accept that he is a parent too, and even if you have more experience with children and education, his opinion should matter and you should be raising these children together (not you make all the decisions and he throws his 2 cents in). His comments should not be considered interferance in your parenting - clearly you don't agree on a lot of issues but there is a better way to go about this. Co-parenting is not always possible, but from what I have read neither of you have the skills to listen to each other and communicate effectively, which is going to make raising these children very hard - and you owe it to your children to get some help so you can at least try. Communicating after you separate and divorce is just as important as when you are married.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 12:11pm
I cannot believe I read what I just read. Yes, I may have baggage from this relationship, but I can assure you that I have great listening and communication skills. Where did you get that from? I guess I just have to understand that not everyone has an open mind. I am in an ABUSIVE relationship and am taking steps to get out of it. I think I am doing a very good job and I post here to vent things out and I don't think a lot of people would have handled the situation as successfully as I have handled it. Throughout all of this, I have remained and continue to be a very devoted mother, who is always there for her kids. And I guess you didn't read my post clearly since I said that I agree that he is also our daughters' father but he is interfering in things to the detriment of his children. I will not let myself get bothered by your post, since I feel that this is a safe forum to discuss things with other divorced women, and to "let it all hang out" so to speak so I will continue to do so. I just hope you know that if you are trying to be critical you are falling on deaf ears. I know who I am, and maybe you have never been in the type of relationship that I am going thru now (as have I never been in one like this in the past) so I have to conclude that you are speaking out of ignorance. I don't think you realize that there is a person on the other side of this message and you should take care at least not to sound too judgemental. I think I try not to when I reply to someone else's post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 12:44pm

I was not judging you, not at all. I think this is something bigger than you, or anyone in a similar situation should try to get through all on your own. I personally believe therapy is in order for anyone who is about to go through a divorce. I think therapy for someone trying to get out of an abusive relationship is critical. No, I have not been in an abusive relationship nor do I claim to know everything about your situation. What I do know is that you will have to deal with this man for quite a long time since you have children with him, and it is not going to be an easy road. I also believe (no matter who you are) that we pick someone to marry for a reason, and whether that reason was wrong, or we missed some signs we should have paid attention to, or we failed to walk away when we should of, or we enabled the other persons behavior, or we were 100% completely a victim of circumstance, that we each need to explore what our part in it was. I guess I feel from your post that you feel you have it all figured out, and I don't think you do. I don't think any of us do when we are about to separate or divorce. Therapy helps us do that very well.

Some read flags that drew the listening and communcation comment were fighting in front of the children, arguing all the time, saying you can't believe he started arguing with you about the apartment and moving or that he doesn't realize the severity of the problem or that he is abusive (of course he doesn't realize it, otherwise he would be taking all this seriously). The fact that you said all your extra time is focused on him is also a problem (not a problem you created, but one you have to deal with and one not easily solved, even if you do move out). The statement that you made that he was interefering in 'your' upbringing of the children is also a problem, because he does have a right to interfere and the courts are going to protect that right unless you prove his is a danger to the children (which is very hard to do). He is a parent too, even if you completely disagree with how he does it, he is going to have the children some of the time on his own and you are going to lose control over how he parents the children when he has them.

Of course this is a safe forum to vent, of course you can let it all hang out. I would never discourage that. And if you disagree with me, of course you can disregard my advice. My advice may have come from a position of ignorance as you put it, but it also comes from my heart.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 12:59pm
Thank you for your post, I really appreciated it. I guess I am just very defensive only because only I know what I went thru with him (as do other women who go thru similar situations) and I know that I feel I have personally exhausted every avenue to try to make things work, and now to leave in a peaceful way. We actually did not argue in front of the kids (even when we argued at the park it was quietly between me and him) and only that one time did it actually spill over near the kids. The kids have been feeling the tension for years, and I know that's wrong, but there was no fighting near them. But you're right, I'm a big believer in therapy for myself as well as for my kids now, but I really do feel that my head is in the right place, and I feel strong and ready to soar and take a deep breath of new, healthy single life right now. I am a strong woman with I think a very healthy mindset but I will definitely try to figure out what lead me to him in the first place. Thank you so much for your reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 12:59pm
smileylove-
I understand that you're upset right now, you're in an extremely unhealthy relationship, and you're venting here about your relationship to try to get some of the toxins out. I think that's totally healthy. But I think you misinterpreted the intent of firstamendment's post, and I think firstamendment makes a few good points you should consider. I have been in a primarily emotionally abusive relationship. After things were over, whenever we had to communicate my ex continually tried to push my buttons to get me upset and keep me off topic. He'll never change, and after months of turmoil, I realized I had to learn how to change myself in order to break the pattern. I started to not let every little thing he said get under my skin, and soon even the bigger, meant to make me blow my top comments weren't getting under my skin either. Once he realized his mindgames were a waste of his time, he started treating me more like a business associate than his personal emotional punching bag and our communications became much more brief, on-topic, and productive. So my point is that although you may have no problem communicating with others in your life, if your STBX is an abuser, he's not like other people. You can't control his actions, but you can control how you react to him. When you get to the point where a conversation with him doesn't throw your day into turmoil, it feels great. And since you have children, you will have a lot of days in your future where you will need to communicate with your STBX. Also, abusers have certain personality traits and mo's that you might not necessarily associate with an abuser. It's important to recognize these and why you were drawn to them, so you don't end up with another abuser down the road.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 1:07pm
You are so absolutely right! When he says something to me, I try so hard not to let it get to me, and he says, of course what I said bothered you, everything I say bothers you. OMG, his comments get to me so much! He is so condescending. I try sometimes to just let his comments slide, but then I work so hard to try to get him to see that what he said was not true. I try to please him in that sense at all costs. I guess I just want him to see me for who I am and be pleased with me. But that is all part of the control. How, please tell me how did you manage to not let your x's comments get to you? I know that it is all a matter of time, distance and surrounding yourself with a positive environment. I am trying to be well on my way with that now. Your comments will be helpful. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 1:23pm

What sang_froid said about button pushing is very important. I think the key to not letting someone push your buttons anymore is to *move* your buttons. It's a very hard thing to do and I feel impossible without the help of a qualified, professional therapist. But one day your ex will go to push a button and the button will *not* work and you will feel so free.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 11:18am

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Well, I wish I had gotten some counselling during that time because I believe I would be a lot further along now emotionally if I had. What I did do was do a lot of internet research to understand emotional abuse, and the emotional abuser (if he has access to your computer you might not want to do it at home, or make sure you completely clear your computer of the sites you've visited). I came to realize that if I brought up how I felt about something he'd done to him and he "misunderstood", it's not that I was unclear - one of the tactics of emotional abuse is to twist your words, put you on the defensive, so you're trying to explain yourself to him and before you know it the topic has changed from how you feel about something he's done to justifying yourself. Also, every time he got me explaining how I was feeling, and justifying myself to him, he was building up ammunition for the next time - figuring out anything I blame myself for so next time he can use the guilt of that to undermine my confidence. And I realized that in the 10+ years I had known him, he had never been satisfied. He never enjoyed anything - if he got a TV, he started immediately whining about needing a stereo, and once he got that it was something else. With me, the same - example: if I had a conversation with his friends he got jealous, if I kept my distance from them I was being anti-social. He always had to have something to complain about. I realized there was no pleasing him, so I was wasting my time seeking his approval. It wasn't easy to start letting the little comments slide, but I started small. I'd not react to his little digs while we were on the phone, and then when the conversation ended I'd call up a good friend and vent or write in my journal. Gradually I built up a thicker skin where he was concerned.

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 7:42pm

I'm adding you to my ignore list. Shame on you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 9:08pm
This is supposed to be a support and healing board and you come here bashing us as though we are lying about what we have been through. If you have nothing nice to say or no good advice to share, perhaps you should not say anything at all...you are now added to my ignore list.
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