Things are under way........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Things are under way........
13
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 4:14am
Hi, all. I first wanted to thank cl-wildlucky4me for her advice. I never got a chance to thank her properly. Well, the sh** hit the fan tonight. We went so far as to fight in front of the children, something I have always managed to avoid doing. My two girls started to cry, my older daughter saying she wasn't hungry, and my younger one asking "Why are you and daddy mean to eachother?" I have contacted a counselour from a women's domestic abuse hotline, and made sure to tell her that the abuse I was going thru was emotional and psychological. She said that she considered that abuse as well. She gave me a list of phone numbers to contact and I have contacted a women's shelter as well. I sat down with my husband and gave him two options. I asked him if he was willing to pay for two smaller apartments where we live which would approximately be about the same amount as the apartment we are paying for now, if I keep my younger one home from her daycare. I told him that was the option until I applied for welfare, and got myself on my feet in terms of a job. I told him the other option was for me to go to a Women's Shelter. He said "Well, we need to wait three weeks until the end of the month and then we can talk about it." I said no. I will find out about apartments tomorrow and if there are apartments in the relatively near future, I will put us down for them (shouldn't be a problem, people come and go here, and it is usually not a problem to get an apartment fairly quickly.) Can you believe he started arguing with me about that, and that he doesn't realize the severity of the problem? He said, why are you disrupting things? I told him that we were now living a life in hell, and that any place I go now with the kids where there was peace was better than how we were living now. He finally saw that I was not backing down, and tomorrow I will find out if there are apartments and when. I cannot believe that he does not understand that he is abusive and that at this point he is getting in the way of me and my kids. He is seriously interfering in the education of my kids in the sense that he is arguing with me on every point with the kids when I am clearly the educator (have worked with kids for years) and I have a lot more common sense than him and it's just ridiculous. I feel like I need to stop every moment,divert my attention away from my kids and focus on him and his comments, and his need for attention. It got to the point where everywhere we go, we let the kids play,like at a park or something and sit down and argue. All my extra time goes on him but the comments were what broke the camel's back. How dare he interfere in my upbringing with the kids? Yes, he could add his two cents in, but to argue with me on every point, no that's way too much for me. Anyway, tomorrow I will find out about things with the apartments, with welfare and other places I will need. I would have gone to a Women' Shelter right away, but I will do anything not to disrupt my older daughters school. She loves it and I don't want to take that away from her. That is why I am asking him to pay for another apartment for us in the area until I am on my feet and get a job. He just gets under my skin and and picks and picks and picks. Know what I mean? I will update you guys tomorrow on what I have found. Bye for now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 2:52am
I do agree with you one one point. A person should not portray him/herself as a victim if they are not one. But only fairly recently have I begun to realize myself what I have gone thru. I do not print many things here, as I am not ready to face them myself yet. If you would have read my post carefully, you would have read that I wrote that I have taken care NEVER to fight in front of my kids, except for that one time, a feat which I know not many people have been able to accomplish. I know many people, even in supposedly good marriages, who have it out in front of their kids, but I never wanted to put my children thru that. All the pain that was caused to me was done in private. But my husband did put us thru always walking around on edge, condescension, manipulations, etc. What do you call that? Whenever someone tries to disturb your inner peace and cause you pain, it IS abuse. I don't think a person should subject themselves to even one minute of that. What for? I can only guess that you responded the way you did, because you have gone thru some emotional abuse of your own that has never been validated. What is it that makes some women (at least I'm guessing that you are a woman, I can't tell from the post) lash out at other women for being honest and expressing themselves? Even if you don't agree, did I hurt or offend someone by writing my experience? You can tell me that you don't necessarily agree but to make a statement like you can sit there and decide for me, that's ridiculous. As long as I am seeking help to get out of this warfare and manipulation, that is what counts. Do you believe that only physical abuse is abuse? I cannot believe you think that anyone should ever subject themselves to only the highest respect and consideration. I kept thinking that I could change this and try to conform myself to the situation till I saw what was really going on. Don't condemn people who are trying to be victorious, you should be on their side, especially if you've ever been on the receiving end of a bad marriage or abuse. That is all I have to say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 8:25am

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While arguing alone doesn't make the relationship abusive, arguments are part of an abusive relationship. One tactic of an abuser is to try to pick fights with the victim. Then when he gets a reaction out of her he can hold it against her, blame her, maybe even call her the abusive one if she gets upset enough to lash back at him. Just because a victim argues with the abuser doesn't mean the victim is also abusive or that the relationship isn't abusive. Perhaps you might do a little research on abusive relationships before you jump to conclusions.

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If you've been in an abusive relationship, it's very important to be able to recognize that fact. A victim needs to learn what attracted her to the abuser, what she can do to be less vulnerable, and how to seek out healthier relationships in the future. If we don't learn from the past, we might repeat it in the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 1:25pm
More power to you, sang froid!

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