Things got real messy....please read

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Things got real messy....please read
16
Sat, 04-01-2006 - 8:38pm

Things got really messy this week/weekend for us. My stbx violated the military protective order again that said he's not allowed to see the OW. Now he's restricted to the barracks here on base and has to visit our daughter in the duty office. Myself and my friend took my daughter (2) to see him tonight and he requested that I leave, I agreed to leave, on the condition the visit was supervised by my friend.

My stbx's sister-in-law called me today to threaten that she is willing to morgage her house if need be to get my stbx an attorney and prove me to be an unfit mother and take my daughter away.

When I spoke with my stbx briefly at the supervised visitation he said he wouldn't try to take our daughter away from me unless I gave him a reason to. He also said he still agreed to the terms we've already stated in our separation agreement that we are waiting to get a draft of. All very good news, however, he has no grounds to even think of taking our daughter away from me...I am not only an awesome stay at home mom I am a certified daycare provider with an outstanding performance record.

I want to trust that my stbx wouldn't try anything stupid with regards to our daughter, however, the threat from his family makes me want to require all visit be supervised for a while! My stbx told me to draft something up about visits and he would have someone look at it before he signed it. If he's willing to violate a military order to stay away from the OW, why should I trust his signature saying he will return our daughter to me?

My daughter and I are getting ready to leave VA for NC in a little over a month. I feel that once we are down there and see less of stbx things will cool down and he may be willing to speak to me again. At this point he won't hardly even speak to me in regards to our daughter. At this point he says that if I need to contact him I am to call the SDO (staff duty officer) and have him contact my stbx.

I understand that my stbx is seriously upset with me for passing along information proving his misconduct and violation of the order to stay away from the OW, however, what does he expect me to do? Just look the other way? He was suppose to be with our daughter until 10pm yesterday (Friday) and left at 8pm after we got in a discussion...he admitted to sleeping with the OW and I got VERY upset. He was admitting that to me so that maybe if he was honest with me I would plead for leniency on his behalf in his charges from the USMC. Then after he took off at 8pm he went to the OW's house yet AGAIN!! This does not sound like a guy that is taking the charges from the USMC very seriously and I definately won't be pleading anything on his behalf. He's so ticked off with me right now because he made me promise not to use his confession against him and I did...as well as I caught him at the OW's house last night and made his command aware of it.

What a mess. Right now I'm only concerned about my 2 year old daughter and what is best for her. Visiting her father in a office is not the best for her! There are no toys, food or anything other than a tv, chairs and desk. Tonight while he was with her he gave her diet soda and they watched Spongebob...which is fine, however, I can only imagine taking her ther to do that with him for 20 minutes very rarely.

As her mother what am I to do? Today he blew off his 10am visitation with her...then at 6pm when he got in trouble by his boss and told to remain on base he requested to see her! Like I'm suppose to jump at his every whim. It honestly was like taking her to see her father in jail. I asked him when he wanted to see her again and he wouldn't answer! He said he wasn't going to talk to me. After we left I found out he had told my friend who supervised the visit that he wanted to see her at 10am the next day at the same location.

On top of all this...I have surgery on Monday and my stbx was suppose to take me and then stay home with our daughter through my recovery...now he can't even leave the base so he can't do that...not that I'd trust him to do what he should be doing while I was incompasitated. I have called my Grandmother to drive down to help out.

Some part of me still wants to believe my stbx is a good guy, yet all the facts point against that. He's not honest, loyal, responsible or even respectable at this point.

She's two years old, loves her daddy and is used to seeing him daily...what am I to do? What is in her best interest?

Thank you for your help and guidance.

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Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 9:46pm

You need to remember that not only do we all bring our own experiences and emotions to the table, we all go through grief stages at different rates. One of those stages is anger. While you have a point that during that stage, we shouldn't 'cut our noses off to spite our faces', we also need support, care, and sympathy in order to move from one stage to another.

Yes, your initial message to her came off as unsympathetic and I felt your reply to me had a tone of superiority to it. . .If I'm projecting, I apologize. It's just that through all of this my ex has had his poor behavior condoned, excused, and covered up. . .and I've been expected to behave impeccably. I'm just tired of the double standard and it seemed like your messages perpetuated the double standard (they get to behave horribly, but we have to make all the right decisions all the time).




Edited 4/2/2006 9:55 pm ET by virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 12:02pm

You are right...it stinks. I totally think it stinks that my stbx get to start a new life while I finish our old one. It just seems as if it is that way for most women, military or not. The double standard has worn me out from time to time...even within my so called marriage.

For the record...I do NOT think I am superior. I just hate to see women that already have enough trouble cause more for themselves. I totally get the anger part. I was in long term relationship before this marriage that ended badly. I let the anger take control and did not do myself any favors. I am just trying to learn from that and others' mistakes. This time, I've focused on what is best for ME and my kids and not on him at all. It's been much better for ME.

Your situation is awful and I wish I could say it shocks me. It happened to someone that I know though. She and her son waited for him for two days while he was MIA with the OW. She had no idea where he was and even worried that something had happened to him and she just hadn't been notified yet. Still, his squadron mates covered for him and wouldn't tell her what was going on. I actually worry that I will need therapy so that I don't teach my girls to mistrust all men! That's how disgusted I am! I do hope that you can find peace soon for YOU. Take care and I hope it gets better soon!

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 12:19pm

We're in a 'one step forward; two steps back' stage right now.

I was doing much, much better until he took the kids for Spring Break. He forced our 15 year old (who hasn't eaten beef or pork since last summer) to eat roast beef. Then on his return drive, he met his girlfriend on the road outside St. Louis about 1 am. They stopped at a rest area to sleep and he slept in the gf's car with her while he let the kids (15 yo dd, nearly 8 yo dd, and 5 yo ds) sleep in his car alone! Of course, I'm irrational (according to him) for feeling that this was an inappropriate decision and my anger is just because I'm jealous because he got back with his girlfriend. His latest stunt is the house fight.

All of it sucks. . .it goes beyond stinking to just plain sucking.

I very much get the impression from him, his parents, and the OW that I was just supposed to lie down and let him walk over me while he walked out of the marriage. I'm unjustified in all their eyes for asking for my share of his military retirement and unreasonable to ask for 18 months to refinance the house because I'm a full time grad student in a grant funded dissertation program that I entered with his support.

Like I said. . .it all sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 12:42pm

Well although we disagreed about the reporting thing...we ARE on the same page about you fighting for the military retirement and everything else. I am sorry but as a military spouse, you carry a heavy load. You own half of his career. The crap we put up with, sub standard medical care, you name it. I still feel as if the government still owes me LOL!!

Anyway, good luck to you. You don't deserve this and your kids don't deserve this behavior from him. As my therapist said to me, it's unfair but too often one parent has to be the good example and you just hope the kids understand that the other is the bad example. If you run into problem with retirement, please post. My mom and other friends have navigated the system and I would be glad to try to pass on any info.

Take care...
kimberly

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 10:47pm

Well the latest I've heard is that my stbx and the OW (female marine) will both be receiving non-judicial punishment...another words the Commanding Officer of the squadron hands down the punishment. The charges are several counts of disobeying a direct order. The violation will be entered in to their service records as a "page 11". They could lose rank, pay, receive office hours, or any combination. I know that for my stbx he is getting orders out of here in 30 days. The OW is getting out of the Marine Corps in October so I don't think she'll be leaving here.

I feel like if it were any other squadron here, they would not be treated this leniently. This squadron needs to maintain its reputation. Currently there are 4-5 marines (male and female) who are being brought up on various charges for infidelity...ranging from my stbx's violation of a military order to stay away from the OW to adultry.

I feel that I've done all I could to hold on to any integrity that our name holds. The SgtMaj and I both agree that without punishment my stbx views himself as "bullet proof". I truly hope that one day he'll open his eyes and see what he has done.

When I showed up at the duty office on Sunday at 10am he told me to leave bc he didn't want to visit our daughter with me there....unfortunately he's behind razor wire confined to the air station and there is no one else to bring him to her for visits. His loss.

If he's out of here in 30 days I need to focus on getting the separation agreement signed and his stuff packed up.

Things will get a lot better once I don't have to see him daily and deal with his negative attitude.

I don't know if "ratting him out" was the best thing to do but at the time that's what I did and so far I don't regret it. I hope it sent the message not to pick a woman over his child! If this doesn't do it nothing will.

Thanks for all the responses everyone. All points of view have been helpful.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 10:51pm

I hope it all works out for the best for you and your DD. nd I hope your STBX got the message that he can't just walk all over you!




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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