think i'm gonna be "ok" ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
think i'm gonna be "ok" ...
3
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 6:38pm

ok support network,

this just in: it's been 2 weeks since twin DSs transitioned to their dad's, and i'm still surviving (thought i'd thrown myself over a cliff or something by now).

another post inspired me to write this: about someone struggling with their child "threatening" to go "stay with their father." -- i-yi-yi that used to get to me on a daily basis!

quick background: been separated since late 2004, have had DSs MOST of the time, up until now, with hopefully divorce finalizing very soon. STBX "abandoned" children last summer, which BROKE one of my DS's heart (DS1), to the point that he turned crazy-behavior on me!

well, after endless months of trying to negotiate his "acting-out" behavior (constantly in trouble at school, disrespectful toward me, lying, stealing, and saying daily "i want to go live with my daddy", etc.), i said "you know, STBX has NOT been the dad to these boys that he needs to be, and NOW it's time. as a mommie, i KNOW i've put in the time 24-7, with education, medical, physical needs, emotional needs, entertainment/sports, grocery bills out-of-this-world, homework, illness, quality time, just ME holding it down, (and will continue to do so), but i said, it's time for STBX to do this, too. his single-life-livin', it's-all-about-me free ride is Oh'Va!

so, when he threatened me with a $20K custody battle to raise his sons, i said, "no fight necessary, YOU take it on," and you know what, although i still struggle with the "mommie guilt," i had to truly allow my sons to make the decision of where they felt most comfortable, and i know at 11, going into their pre-teens, it's time that "dad" took over and dealt consistently with alllll the issues our boys go through as they endeavor to transition into men.

and as crazy as it seems, it's been sorta "ok." our relationship is much, much better (DS1 and i), as mother-son, we talk allll the time (thank goodness i got my DSs their own cell phone, can TOTALLY by-pass get-on-my-nerves STBX), and i see my boys every other fri - tues, and now that STBX is moving practically around the corner (eek or hooray?!), i'll get to see my bunchkins everyday to help with homework. and the best part, i negotiated alll by myself, deferred child support for 13 months, which is what STBX owes ME since our initial separation in 2004. now he says, "i don't need any of your child support!" whatever, i still spoil the heck outta my sons when they're with me, which amounts to, uh, more than what i'd pay in child support--i may want to slow down a bit (hee hee)

so, yes, in divorce cases, you MUST be prepared for anything regarding custody of your beloved children, but make NO mistake, no matter where they reside, how long, how old they are, etc., YOU are alwaz, alwaz MOM, and that is an incredible feeling!! a bond that NO evil Ex (in my case) can EVER sever.

although, it is tough to deal with nagging thoughts of when Ex marries skank GF and they're over there as a "happy family," and i'm left looking at my 14-year-old schnauzer :) but then, again, i have to remind myself: is it best to keep the boys with me to feed my ego and selfishness, or best to let them go where they'll be most happier growing up as young men. besides, i'm counting on them returning due to STBX's ongoing narcissism and selfishness (eesh!), but for now, he's eerily doing a fantastic job with them, discipline-wise & they seemingly are adjusting a-ok, which is the most important thing.

in the end, when i removed "me" and thought of my DS's best interest, it's alll "a-ok" :)

love this site -- great topics & greater support!!

hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 6:54pm

You are awesome, just awesome.

It is so great that although its hard to have them live with their dad, you were able to let go and let them go live with him without a fight.

My son is 11 and I fear him going to live with his dad and the skank. You've posted about this in one other thread and I've thought about it since. My son has made no mention of wanting to go live with his father, but because of your posts I've been able to think about it and believe that if/when the time comes I'll be able to allow him to do what he truly wants without me being a mess over it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 7:00pm
Wow, you are amazingly strong. I am well aware that my boys, being boys, will likely go to live with their dad at some point in time as well. I just don't take to the concept as well as you have. Good for you, you are very inspiring. And yes, the dads often look like heros when they see the kids on weekends, so it will be an eye opener for the kids when they realise that moving to dad's doesn't mean getting away with whatever they want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 7:14pm
You've got a great attitude! I was faced with the same thing....a year and a half later, my son (almost 18) chose to live with me because he doesn't get along with his father. My daughter (13) chose to live with her dad a couple months ago (I think she felt sorry for him -- and he's always babied her). In the beginning I fought it, but then I thought well if she wants to be with him all the time then so be it. She seems to be doing well. I see her on a regular basis though. She is in a very emotional and moody stage, so her dad has to deal with it most of the time now. When she's with me, we go shopping and have great "girl time."
:)
Belinda