Thinking of divorce
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| Thu, 07-12-2007 - 7:26pm |
I am thinking of asking my husband of 13 years for a divorce.....we went to therapy for a year about a year ago, it was either we go to therapy or I'm out of here situation so he went. I understand that everything takes two, but he is not changing, was laid off doesn't find it necessary to get a job or improve himself. We have two children who are the greatest kids and this will be so hard on them, this is why i've stayed for as long as i have. He is a good dad but he is verbally abusive to me and in front of the children and I do not want my daughter to grow up thinking that it is okay to be treated that way. Anytime I try and difuse the situation, per our Therapists instructions, by walking into another room he follows me so I try to leave and he says to the kids "Look kids there goes your mom leaving you" they then get upset and start running after my car so I stop and come back generally in tears myself exhausted from it all.
I work FT, go to school PT, am trying to get into a nursing program so I also volunteer as an intern at a hospital 4 hours a week. He never graduated HS and seems to be happy not doing anything, I've grown apart from him, we never do anything together, ever and have no conversations except about the kids. He is not working but continues to spend and tries to put me on a budget/allowance.
I'm very very very sad....my friends do not know how i've lasted this long but I always feel like it will get better and it is as long as I act and speak as he wants me to and never talk to friends or see them. He is very controlling, I know he will use those kids against me and I hate to think that.
Any advice on where to start? Do i talk to an attorney first or what? Help!
Thank you so much!
LuLu

So so sorry.
Yes ... to it all.
Yes, find an attorney.
Collect all financial data.
Protect the assets (especially those in joint name).
Start reading about children and divorce (Ahrons, Wallerstein, Hetherington)
I am so exhausted by my separation/divorce experience at this point it is hard to say more ... it is a tough road, but if you think the marriage is done and your partner is not willing to work at it and is abusive to boot ... then the tough road may lead to a better life.
GL.
M
Hi LuLu,
I'm sorry for your unhappiness. Having been the one that was left, I was very against divorce, but the more posts I read on this board and another, the more I realize just how miserable a selfish spouse can make their partner, and it makes me see also just how much crap I was putting up with, and how unhealthy it was for me. I also realize that I probably should have been the one to leave my x because of how controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive he was. He wasn't even as controlling as what yours seems to be, yet it was still very dehumanizing.
It is astounding to me at how much counseling some people can go to and still not get it. My x and I went to three different counselors through the span of 10 years, and for many months each time. He tried hard for awhile and did make some changes at that time and it got better, but then he went back to his cold, distant, insensitive, controlling ways.
My x also did all kinds of spending and then started fights about how much I spent on groceries and household and personal neccessities, and harped on me claiming there SHOULD be more money saved up. It was all about trying to take the focus off of the stuff he was doing wrong. At times he knew he was failing, but I think he couldn't face that so kept trying to point out things that he wanted to claim I was doing wrong instead. I don't know how I didn't go insane.
I always gave my x credit for being a good dad, but now I realize that a good dad does not constantly criticize and disrespect their mother, or in my case - their stepmother that is doing her best to help him raise his kids - as I was. Both of my stepsons, thankfully, have shown me much more respect than he has and I have so far been able to maintain good relationships with them.
A good dad also stands up to the plate and does whatever it takes to improve himself, and take care of his family. He needs to be a good role model to all of them, which includes respectful of their mother and by being a good provider. You do also show your kids how a woman is to be treated in a relationship, just by being in the situation you're in. It's not your fault he is verbally abusive to you, but if your kids have that kind of a marriage as a model, that's how they may learn is how marriages or love relationships are supposed to be.
For awhile there I thought my younger stepson was going to have the same relationship problems as his dad, but both of my stepsons seem to be smarter than him in that department somehow. I hope that is permanent for their own sakes.
I was mostly afraid to leave my x because I was afraid of losing the boys, and I still think I may have lost them if I left because of the circumstances, but your kids are YOUR kids as much as his, so your situation is different. Your husband will probably have a more negative affect on the kids the more he is around them, especially with him mistreating their mother. And he can't be treating you the way he does and be treating them OK in every way.
He may temporarily brainwash them at times, but kids want and need their moms so he can only do so much as long as you don't stoop to his level if he puts them in the middle. They eventually learn to resent the parents that do that. My stepsons' biological mother learned that the hard way. You will need to keep reassurring them of your love for them and not try to make them take sides no matter how much he does it. And there are laws as far as him trying to keep them from you when it's your time with them.
If you are going through with leaving him, do get an attorney right away. Word of mouth is a good way to find a good one. Good luck and take care. T
Yes, see an attorney.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Thank you so much for that! This is the hardest thing I have ever done and I'm still just not sure and I don't want to hurt him. I have an appointment with an attorney today so that will clear things up for me.
Our situations seem very similiar, especially the part where your x was on you about spending and it was for household items. Mine is the same way and it is absolutely exhausting, he has put us into bankruptcy and I will tell you there was debt I had no idea about. I've had my own savings account, that he is unaware of, for the last year where I've put 30.00 a week into so i've got a little bit saved.
I'm glad you are back on your feet and seem to have a clearer picture of what you really endured in that marriage! Thank goodness we are stronger than we know in situations like this.
Take care, have a terrific weekend and I will be in touch!
LuLu
LuLu,
I hope things are going OK for you. Good for you - that you put some money aside for yourself. I did that too, but ended up spending it in the last year we were together because we had a lot of expenses last year. My x spent way more than I knew he was spending and hid it from me too.
Our divorce is final, but he is still responsible for making the house payments until the house sells, while I'm living in it (and I'm paying other household expenses). I just hope he can keep making the house payments until the house sells and that the house sells very soon - before he's in so deep that he has to file bankruptcy, and ruin my credit along with his.
It was bad enough having him take away so many other things, let alone do I need him ruining my credit too, after all of these years with me being the more responsible one and him going out and having all the fun. That's too bad you already were affected that way.
Part of me feels very sad about seeing my x put himself deeper and deeper into debt, but I couldn't change anything. I tried. He's the one that has to save him from himself - or let God save him from himself. I doubt he will though. He's too stubborn.
I'm starting to see more and more all of the reasons for why I should have left him instead of waiting for him to be the one to leave, but I didn't know when to stop trying.
He knew he was hurting me and sometimes he even felt bad about it, but in the end he cared more about doing all of the stuff he wanted to do, at any cost.
What does your husband care about the most? (remember that actions speak louder than words)
I hope your appointment with the attorney went well and that you are closer to making a decision. It's really hard to live in limbo.
Thinking about and praying for you,
Tgirl
LuLu,
Are you out there? Just wondering how you are doing?
Tgirl
Hi I am here!
I'm doing okay; we're trying counseling again so we will see how it goes. I feel like it helped last time but maybe we stopped too soon??? I know that in order for me to say I tried and really know deep in my heart that I did I need to give it this one last try, if not for myself then for the kids. We will see what happens and how it goes.......should be interesting to say the very least.
How are you doing?
LuLu
Luann,
I'm hanging in here - waiting for this house to get sold kind of thing, hoping nothing else breaks down and has to be fixed, and no one breaks into it again. I wasn't home, nothing was ruined or taken, so it could have been worse, but still.
So anyway I feel I'm living in limbo for now and anxious to be able to sell the house and take the next step in moving on. It's too lonely and empty feeling here with no one else here. Having the nest empty of the last child to grow up and move out, and the husband then too (without the growing up part - ha ha) was a lot to handle within a year's time.
I understand the feeling of wanting to give it your all. I was there (too many times I guess). It's a huge decision and divorce is not fun for anyone. Sometimes, unfortunetely, I guess in the long run it can be for the better - like if there is continuing abuse and no will for the abuser to change, as was the case with my ex for the last couple years.
Since you and your husband are going to counseling together, and as long as your husband is willing to make some changes, there can still be hope.
Wishing you the best,
Tgirl