Thinking of Divorce...In Late Twenties

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Thinking of Divorce...In Late Twenties
13
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 5:00pm

I am so confussed and unhappy! I am 28 and thinking of divorcing a wonderful husband and man because, quite frankly, I'm just not in love with him. Our relationship is more of a brother/sister relationship...no passion at all. It's been ions since we were physically involved. I have tried to ignore my needs but it's just so hard and as I get older I'm realizing that it's both unfair to him and me. He deserves a loving wife!

But, all of that being said, I am petrified! Not only am I scared that this relationship is as good as it gets and I have unrealistic expectations, but I'm also nervous about being such a young divorcee. Most of my friends are in long term relationships so I will not have a "wingman" for the occassional Saturday night bar crawl. Any advice? Anyone go through this at a young age? Anyone out there my age and thinking the same thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 5:37pm

Hi Jessica,

I feel like I am listening to my wife. She says " I don't have feelings for you anymore". Wow!
I read your story and I too am in a relationship with no passion. I'm the romantic husnband and she well, just isn't interested in romance. I have had to sacrifice alot...stop being who I am. I have tried being less romantic, less passionate for her sake thinking it would make it better but....it hasn't. We've been married 9 yrs and we have 2 children. Yes my situation is more complicated than yours but....I gotta ask. Why did you marry him? Was something there once but has faded and now gone.

I know it's hard...really hard to make a marrriage work and sometimes divorce is the answer BUT...I truly believe you have to TRY AND TRY....I posted earlier that "I'm fighting for my marriage. Isn't marriage worth fighting for". Atleast if you give 110% to trying to make it work then if after all that and it still is working then maybe the 2 of u can walk away knowing you tried....with no regrets.

Again I don't know exactly what you're going thru but.... just try...whether the 2 of u try counseling or just talk and ...well you see my point. Just make sure you ask yourself and him all the right questions before divorce.

I guess I am a hopeless romantic...Love lasts for all time or atleast it's supposed too.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. Please keep us updated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 7:45am

Jessica and ppgdada--

Almost a year ago my husband told me he wasn't in love with me after 10+ years of marriage (together 16+). I tried and tried to get him to listen, to want to try... and for about a month he did... but at the end of that month he told me he just didn't have anything left in his heart that made him want to try. I was of course devastated... he's all i've ever known since i was 17 and i too thought we had a great relationship... but i apparently was not giving him what he wanted/needed... about a month after the divorce was final, in July, he moved 4 hours away and is now living with his girlfriend. All i wanted to do was try and save our marriage because i felt that we had so much invested... and could fix what was wrong... but when only one person wants to try, there can be no saving it... at least that's the way it was for me... so i stopped talking to him because that was the only way i could deal with the pain...

and now? it has been nearly a year after our first serious talk about our problems...and 6 months after the divorce was finalized... we are FINALLY talking to each other again, at least via IM and email... it's been difficult but i realize that i need to let go, get closure, and move on... to get the answers i need... (in fact, we are meeting face to face for the first time in nearly a year on Dec. 18 or 19... oh boy, i am nervous, scared, excited, and dreading it all at once!!)

i cannot sit and hope for him to miss what we had together, to come back to me, to ever love me again... oh sure, he tells me he loves me... but i know there are different definitions of love... he recently asked me "why are you talking now, why not 10 months ago? who knows what would have happened if we talked instead of having no contact"... i explained my reasons to him and he FINALLY listened to me...in the past every time i tried to talk to him he didn't listen to what i was saying...so i gave up and gave him the space he wanted/needed to do what he needed to do... it was SO HARD (it's been a challenging year!!)

sometimes you just have to do what is best FOR YOU... never compromise, never change who you are and above all... be true to yourself...

don't worry... i'm sure you'll find other "wingmen" out there...

good luck... hugs to you.

Ali

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 11:13am

If you don't mind me asking for more information...have you talked to your husband about the lack of passion? How long have you been married and how much time do you spend together in a week? Are you still emotionally intimate? Is the lack of passion merely a symptom of other problems?

I know that my STBX and I would not be divorcing if we loved each other like brother/sister or like best friends. Steady decline of emotional intimacy and respect were driving factors in our separation. I'm only 31, but my situation is a little different than yours because we have 2 children ages 7 and 19 months. We were turning into people that neither one of us wanted to be (him a cheater and me a cranky b>>>>). We decided we needed to separate before the wounds got any deeper (they were pretty deep) and while we were still able to effectively co-parent with one another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 12:59pm

What wonderful responses. I am so happy to hear from all of you. A little background...

I met my husband in college when I was 21 and we instantly fell into a very comfortable relationship, one without all of the usual boy/girl drama. He was the first man with whom I was intimate and I think that initially intensified our bond as well. Right after college we moved to NYC and lived together for 3 years until we married...so in total we've been living together for 7.5 years. I've questioned our relationship for almost 6 of those 7.5 years, even going so far as to try and break things off on New Years Eve 2000. But, each time I wanted to walk away I was reminded of what a caring, kind man he is and I stayed (there were also financial reasons for staying, ie I couldn't afford an apartment on my own and he completely broke down each time so I always felt horrible about leaving him). There were two instances before our marriage when I strayed, one was right up until the day of our wedding. The first was just a distraction, the second was someone that I truly cared about.

The last few years I have battled low levels of depression, both as a result of living in a place where I knew very few people and because I've had limited career success. My husband and I have always argued and we rarely have FUN. Oh, we do "fun" things (dinner out, trips to Florida), but I never feel completely happy with him. I much prefer lust and passion over cheesy romance and the first two have been severly lacking for years. I look at him and feel the same as I would if I looked at my brother or grandfather. I LOVE him and would do anything for him but the thought of kissing him is just...yucky.

This past summer my life began to change. I began to meet fabulous women in the area, I was offered my dream job, I lost weight (I was never overweight but I was unappy with the way that I looked) and I met someone else. While this other man and I are no longer in contact I was able to hang out with him for a month or two and it reminded me that it is possible to have FUN with someone. He showed me that at 28 I was acting like I was 58 (nothing against being 58...but I'm not!).

I'm nearing 30. I'm finally happy with myself and my life. Someday I want to have a child with a man that I feel passionate about and I'm concerned that my desire to leave will never go away...

We've talked about our problems ad nasuem but in my limited experience I've found that many issues can be resolved through therapy but a sheer lack of "fire" is not something that can be forced. Now we are no longer even emotionally intimate because I just want out. I feel like he deserves better...

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 2:37pm

Lust and passion don't stay long in any relationship without a lot of work, but it sounds like your fire went out before the two of you were married.

Now that I read your background I'm not surprised that you "never feel completely happy with him". It sounds like you either have three big "secrets" that you can't share with him or you did tell him and he forgave you without the two of you doing much to rebuild. Either way that's a huge wedge that won't go away by itself.

Your fears are justified in that you will have to go through a lot without a "wingman", and I don't just mean nights out on the town. You can only lean on friends and family to an extent. My STBX really left me years ago, but didn't physically leave until I asked him to. He was staying for our kids. When I made the decision to stop fighting for our marriage I didn't base that decision on whether or not there was a better man or relationship "out there" for me to find. I based my decision on whether I would be a better woman and a better mother even if it meant that I might be alone.

There are no guarantees. I think you should be prepared for the possibility that the man who really "lights your fire" might be impossible to live with or might be not ever want to be a Daddy.

On the bright side, it sounds like you are finally getting comfortable with yourself. That is important for whatever you decide to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 2:52pm

Dear mom2maggie,

I completely agree! I think that it took until now for me to accept the idea of leaving him because for the first time I am excited about the possibility of being alone...having my own place, living alone, spending Saturday nights at Starbucks with a book, etc. My friends and family are fabulous but I do know that I will need to stand on my own two feet for awhile and that thought is THRILLING. And, while I know that in most relationships the fire does diminish, should it go out completely?

I know that my "secrets" have affected our relationship and my ability to connect with him on a physical level but our intimate life ended long before any of those trysts began. Years!! I'm not sure if telling him (he would probably forgive me) would be enough to ease my guilt and make me want to stay and it would just hurt him even more. Double negative.

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 4:11pm
I didn't mean to imply that you should tell him. Especially since you don't plan to stay. I have no experience in that area, but imagine that it would probably just prolong the pain for both of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 4:20pm
I've spoken with my therapist and she feels as though it shouldn't be mentioned regardless, even if I did decide to stay. Btw, I'm seeing one, he's seeing one and we plan to see one together...we're singlehandedly supporting the mental healthcare community! :o) Her thought is that as long as the extra marital relationship is over (which of course it is) my sharing the "secret" would only serve to ease my guilt but wouldn't help him to feel any better. An interesting thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 5:43pm
Hi there. I am almost 27 and just starting to go through a divorce. I can relate to much of what you say. I too had a wonderful husband who would do anything for me, but he was like my buddy, not my lover. I had no romatic feelings for him anymore and our sex life was nill. I tried talking to him about it, but he said "that's how marriage is supposed to be". My case is a lot worse because it got to the point where I cheated on him. But I too feel like I am too young to be going through this. The thing I have to remember is that you only live once and you have to do what makes you happy.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 5:48pm

Dear aeb1979,

I cheated as well, so we are very much in the same boat. My husband does not know about the affair (it was very short) and I don't plan on telling him...my therapist agrees that telling him would only serve to calm my guilt, not improve the relationship.

How long have you been with your husband? Our situations sound so similar! It might be helpful for us to share more.

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