Third party relations after the break
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| Sun, 07-06-2008 - 2:06pm |
Maybe this is too mundane for this board, which seems to be more focused on how to get along personally after a divorce. But I have two questions that others who have gone through this already might be able to help me with.
Is it possible to keep friends who were both your friends while you were still a couple, after the divorce? Or is it inevitable that they will choose either you or STBX once they hear of the divorce? What is the best way to handle this, if you want to stay friends? I have no intention of robbing STBXH of his friendships with these people, since the majority were his friends to start with and remain his customers (he will see them frequently), but is there a way I can let them know I still want to be friends with them too? Is it even possible?
And on a related note, what do I tell people? The facts are that the marriage was falling apart and going downhill for about 6-7 years (we were married 27 years), despite my efforts to keep it going and to fix it. When he finally asked me for the divorce and I said yes, it was a relief. I had already checked out at that point. In the meantime, I told no one I was having marriage problems (except 1 close friend), so everyone's been kind of shocked (I guess, because so far only 1 person has actually come out and asked me about it, I love that man, what a true friend he has shown himself to be). I know people are uncomfortable about it. So what do I do? I've been thinking of coming up with a story that I can memorize and just tell people when I first see them (it's been about 6 months now after the split and 3 months since I moved out) and just tell everyone that I hope they're not uncomfortable mentioning my divorce so I'm taking the initiative to tell them about it: Things had been going down hill for a while and we mutually agreed to divorce, while I'm sorry that my life didn't go as planned, I'm happy with the decision and moving forward and enjoying life, trying to adjust to being single and getting out more, etc. I don't want to go into too much detail, although those closest to me know the truth (he was addicted to internet porn, our sex life was in the toilet, he was doing drugs, etc.) but my feeling is that in order for my relationships with others who know me as a married person to go forward, I have to take them figuratively by the hand and "leap" them over the how-did-I-get-divorced threshold. Any thoughts?

D,
Glad you found us here. I hope you find it helpful.
You can let people know you still value your their friendship and that you hope
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Hi There,
Wisdomtooth is right on the money as usual.
Camult and Wisdomtooth, thanks for the advice. You're so right. I had a couple of experiences this weekend, the first with friends who'd invited me to a show (her husband plays in a band) and then acted like they were in junior high when my STBX showed up, and it just didn't seem like the way they were acting was very friendly. Most of "our" friends are really "his" friends because of the business he's in (fixing musical gear) and I didn't really expect to keep ANY of them as friends after the split, so I was surprised when I got the invite and really wanted to show them that yes, I was interested in still being friends. But it turns out, I feel, that they were trying to feel good about themselves, because their actions in whispering, pointing, and some of the things they said just didn't coincide with their invitation. I think they were just curious to see what would happen.
The second experience was with my brother-in-law's family (his in-laws, and sister-in-law and her husband). I was invited over to see their children set off fireworks for 4th of July, and even though I've known my brother-in-law's wife for over 20 years, she wouldn't even converse with me! I knew then that I had to come up with a spiel to make people comfortable, that I couldn't just let this go without saying something, but what? Now I have some ideas. Plus, you clued me into realizing that maybe she sees me as a threat (new single woman on the loose, maybe I'm after her husband?) or maybe that her marriage is shaky too. I don't know, but like you said, I don't care. Kind of weird cause the youngest girl in that family got divorced a few years ago and they reacted negatively to her divorce too. She's since remarried and has a kid with new hubby, but that won't be happening with me to smooth things over.
I got the feeling that a lot of people who are married and who've known you as married, expect you to stay married. So surprising with over 50% of marriages ending in divorce, for people to feel this way.
I realized that just 'cause I'm over it and don't feel the need to talk about it, doesn't mean that something still doesn't have to be said socially. Wish me luck. Thanks for the advice again, both of you.