for those who left

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2008
for those who left
17
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 7:10pm

This is a question for those of you who left your spouses....for me, I left after 10 years of marriage, long story short, we basically grew apart. We knew things werent going in a good direction for years, but he was always blinded to the problems,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 8:27pm

I can tell you!


I talked until I was BLUE in the face about how we were growing apart.... how we needed to work TOGETHER to try to get back on track... or on a new track... something... anything.


He didn't want to even begin to try to acknowledge that anything needed changing until it was a reality for him that I was leaving.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2008
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 10:53am
Thanks for your reply. Your story sounds too much like mine does. I tried for YEARS to talk and talk..somethings wrong, blah blah, it took me years to leave only because I knew that if i left, I would not go back. Now that I have left, I'm not going back. Dont want to, he should have said those words a long time ago. So how long did this go on with you? When he realized that you left, how long did the begging and phone calls go on? I hate to be just down right rude, but if it comes to that, I'll have no choice. How did you stop it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 11:07am

Oh, he was a pathetic little thing until around Christmas (we divorced over the summer, and after that he begged, cried, pleaded for us to date and try to get back together... SWORE I was the only woman he'd ever love, that he'd never remarry, blah, blah, blah).


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2008
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 11:25am
hahaha. Kids say the darndest things!! I wish he would find someone else. It would make this SO much easier. Funny thing is, when I did move out, he kept asking..."so you dont care if I have sex with someone else"..lol no I dont care, but now I wonder what happened to her. If there was a "her" to begin with. I can only hope that someone else for him comes along soon. Im mentally tired of all this. Just trying to take it one day at a time for now, ya know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 11:34am
Yes... I do know...

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 12:02pm
I left my husband but actually I made HIM leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 1:11pm

The guilt passes..... Like you and Karen, I worked at the marriage... counseling... individual therapy..... finally, I saw that it was going nowhere because his attitude was, "You go work on yourself and when you love me again, I'll work with you."

But within days of me pulling the plug on the marriage, he professed undying love and devotion... things would be different.... he loved me.... blah blah blah.....

I felt bad.... we have 2 daughters and I knew they'd hurt from this, but I knew that my kids living with unhappy Mom would be worse.

My guilt decreased once he started dating anything in a skirt(within weeks of me moving out) and was gone when he married less then 7 months after our divorce was final.

He's on wife #3 now...... I'm glad I'm not married to him anymore.

~calla~

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2005
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 3:06pm

Hi Dreaming


I can relate.


My ex H used to call, plead, beg, ask for dates - insist that we could make it work.


I too got very tired of it all but at the same time, it wasn't fun seeing someone in so much pain.


Eventually, I sent him a heartfelt e-mail, clearly outlining all the reasons why the marriage had to end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 2:23pm
I find myself feeling guilty all the time! It's not my fault, but ex's life has seriously fallen apart since I left him. I've done my best to keep a stable life for myself and my children, and he has let EVERYTHING GO!! Our house was foreclosed, he got fired from his job (worked for the people for like 15 years) lost his dog, has the few things he did "want" in storage, and now lives in a 2 bedroom house with a friend where he's got 1 of the bedrooms and shares the king size bed with the children. The situation is only going to get worse...he's lived in this environment for almost a year now, and it is not healthy for my children. My ds is 8, dd 6 and absolutely need their own beds. It breaks my heart. I've never wanted to take his kids from him, but it's come to this. My wonderful dh is helping me realize that ex walks over me, that he's got no drive, and needs to get a fire up his a$$ to get his life in order . We'll see how it all goes, but my point is this. Ex wasn't abusive, drug user, alcoholic or anything like that. Our marriage was dead. We had been together 10 years (married 7 when I filed) and absolutley nothing I had hoped for him or us was happening. I'd cry to him to get healthy (very overweight) to help with the finances, and NOTHING ever changed. I'm not the type to threaten divorce casually, but he absolutely knew how unhappy I was, and knew he held the ball for most of the problems. I often wonder where we'd be if I hadn't left. A couple weeks ago would've mared 10 years of marriage for us, and that made me sad. I can not be responsible for his throwing in the towel. He put me through HELL durring our divorce, and I have remained the bigger person and not sunk to his level at all. Anyway I'm sorry this got so long, I guess I needed to vent a little..
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 4:55pm
For those that left are you actually happier today then you were when you left them? My wife left me because after 13 years of marriage she says that I don't love her that I just love the idea of her. However, now I know that she has been texting an old flame for the last 3 months. We have 2 kids and I just think that she is going for the grass is greener on the other side thing, and I wonder if she is going to find out that it really is not greener on the other side. I think she is making a mistake but time will tell I guess. Each divorce is different.

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